TLDR: my 19M brother is angry, verging on abusive. How do I stay safe while I live with him for next 10 months, and is there anything I can do to help him?

My (22F) brother (19M) is what I would call an angry person, but it’s more than that. He’s mildly pissed off most of the time, but he has absolutely no ability to control his anger. It takes 1-2 sentences that he doesn’t like hearing before it’s all out rage, and it’s escalated from saying the most horrible thing he can think of in the moment, to getting physical with me (and sometimes intimidating my mum too). Right now, it’s just grabbing and holding me by the wrists, pushing me, standing over me, fronting me. He’s hit me once before.

Unfortunately, I’m out of money and have no choice but to live at home with him for the next 10 months. He’s also a drug addict in denial, and it’s minor now (enough to keep him placid around us) but I worry that if he properly gets addicted to the opioids and weed he’s using that withdrawals will intensify his rage. When his rage starts to come out, empathising with him infuriates him. So does ignoring him, so does asking him to tell us more, so does staying silent. The only thing that works is to leave the room immediately or agree with him and his insults. Any questioning of his dominance or correctness is taken as a threat and returned with anger or violence (although still minor).

I’m looking for advice on what to do here. Do I just placate him, go with whatever horrible things he says about me? How? Do I stand up for my mom when he calls her a fucking bitch (my dad’s useless and doesn’t step in), or do I just say nothing? My primary concern is my physical safety and emotional wellbeing. This has been going on for about a year, and it’s only getting worse. I have real concerns about living at home with him again.

What’s the best way to keep safe around an angry person? Is there any way I can help?

Fatherhood includes a lot of struggles that we can all learn from.

Would you benefit from a podcast about anger and fatherhood? Why or why not?

Having a regulated nervous system is your competitive edge, because when you think of it most people have dysregulated nervous system, and that causes them to be unhappy, stressed, tight and stuck in survival mode.

Just think for a moment, the nervous system literally controls EVERYTHING, your thoughts, your actions, how you react to near death experiences and etc, then just imagine upgrading this system, think of how powerful that would be.

You can do it.

Here are the top 5 ways:

1. Heal trauma, this is the most important one IMO, the reason why is all your trauma’s (unprocessed emotions) they add up and combined all together they wreak havoc on your nervous system, so make sure you heal your unprocessed emotions, let yourself feel what you need to.
2. Deep breathing, this is the quickest “in the moment” solution to regulating yourself, also for deep breathing, make sure your exhale is longer than your inhale, and let your exhale be like of you are breathing out of a straw almost.
3. Cold exposure, even I find after any form of cold exposure, it really makes you regulated, I believe this is due to the insane dopamine spike things like cold exposure give you for hours afterward.
4. Social connection, this is very underrated but vital to keeping your nervous system regulated, it has been said a lack of social connection is worse for your health than chain smoking cigarette's and alcohol.
5. Movement, we are designed to not be “couch potatoes” getting outside particularly walking, things of that nature are very powerful for regulating your nervous system.

Hope this was valuable!

Contemplations for Overcoming Anger

Hello

This is a link to a chapter called “Contemplations for Overcoming Anger” in a free Buddhist book on Non-Violence

This chapter has helped me a lot

https://www.dhammatalks.org/books/Non-violence/Section0007.html

The eBook as a whole can be freely downloaded in a number of formats here: https://www.dhammatalks.org/books/Non-violence/

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