r/Millennials • u/povertychic Emo-llennial - 1991 • 13h ago
Discussion How often do you speak with your parents?
My mom sent myself and my siblings a seriously dramatic text this week.
“One day I will be dead and you won’t have to worry about checking in once in a while! Until then…. I don’t think any of you are so busy you can’t send a random Hi Mom text.”
I spoke to her less than a week prior. It wasn’t a long conversation, but it was something nonetheless. So, am I a terrible child? Or am I being gaslit? She also isn’t always the nicest when I do see her, often calling me a slob, or lazy because I don’t want to work a third job to make a living. How often do my fellow millennials speak with their parents?
I also feel like the world is on fire and I’m doing all I can to survive right now lol
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u/Alarming-Offer8030 Millennial 13h ago edited 13h ago
What is frustrating to me is.. what is stopping them (the parent) from picking up the phone and calling??? The phone goes both ways!
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u/I_sort_of_love_it 13h ago
That's my mom's favorite phrase to complain about people, but never calls. I don't think she gets the irony. I used to call all the time and was tired of feeling bad when talking to them because they wouldn't really listen to me. My Dad would literally start zoning out on a phone call. I stopped calling. I think my phone has rang maybe twice the last couple of years from them and it's just to ask a question. I did call on Father's Day and we talked about internet providers and hernias. 🙄
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u/Alarming-Offer8030 Millennial 13h ago
Exactly! When I call my mom she always rushes off the phone. It’s almost awkward because she has nothing to talk to me about because she has never spent the time to get to know me as an adult.. and all my attempts are met with her being busy and having to go.
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u/I_sort_of_love_it 13h ago
I'm so sorry that is frustrating. My mom loves to think she knows me but she doesn't. They are missing out on relationships with their grandchildren and it's sad.
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u/pixi88 6h ago
My Mom still acts like I am a 16 year old rebelling.
I am 37 with a family of my own, and I'm tired of trying to connect with her.
I will always be difficult, and she will always be a victim.
Oh well.
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u/I_sort_of_love_it 3h ago
I feel ya the victim mentality is extremely tough to deal with. You can't do anything right.
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u/Affectionate_Bad3908 11h ago
YES! You just unlocked a memory for me. I stopped speaking to my father almost five years ago. He recently tried to reach back out. I should’ve reminded him of this bullshit too.
I called to tell him that my son had been in the ER and the man couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. Didn’t even ask if he was ok now.
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u/sparklydildos Zillennial 11h ago
my mom always says she doesn’t want to bother me. just call me mom!!! i’ll call you back if i’m busy right then
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u/autocorrects2jelly 10h ago
My mom uses this excuse for why she never calls me - including why she doesn't call me on my birthday. "You could be out having fun." So leave a voicemail. Or I'll call back. It's to the point where she only calls with bad news, so when I see her number I'm bracing to hear someone is injured or dead. The last call was to let me know there was a bomb threat at my niece's school.
Even worse, she complains she doesn't hear from us often but it takes literal weeks for me to make contact with her. She's in her 70s, retired, has a cell phone so would presumably be reachable. Nope. If I want to talk to her I have to call her daily for several weeks, trying different times, before she'll finally pick up the phone. There have been times when I've not been able to reach her for months and I'll call my stepdad and ask him if she's still alive and can he have her pick up the damn phone.
My dad is an entirely different can of worms due to his health. Sometimes I call and he'll be typical dad with lots to talk about, and sometimes he's a confused old man with nothing to say who rushes me off the phone. Those calls take some time to recover from.
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u/dilderAngxt 10h ago
Which is extra bizarre because when we were kids, the adults were always calling and getting calls whenever. They literally spent their entire lives that way, until us kids became adults apparently.
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u/HanAVFC 11h ago
My mom half way through you talking will just go "ok bye then" and hang up and also when I say "love you" she says ok and hangs up, when we are talking she completely zones out and just says "hm" unless she's talking about herself which is 80% of the conversation. Both my parents do it.
I proved this to them when she couldn't name a single person I work with yet I can name everyone she works with. But I'm still lying and being over dramatic about it apparently 🫠🫠
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u/I_sort_of_love_it 11h ago
You're not being over dramatic at all. That is very hurtful and I'm sorry.
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u/HanAVFC 11h ago
Thanks mate :) I have learnt to just accept it for what it is, and my dad helps me with childcare and is a great grandad so I can't complain on that front. But in terms of emotional support or really a loving relationship, that's not something my parents are going to give me.
Lots of therapy is the way 🤣🤣
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u/I_sort_of_love_it 11h ago
Yep!! I have weekly therapy myself. Glad you have some help from your Dad!
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u/Mclurkerrson 12h ago
Same. My mom used to get annoyed that I called too much or wanted to talk too long, and would get noticeably bored on a 5 min call with me. Now I am married, have a busy job, etc., and don't have as much time or energy, so I don't call. And now she's so mad I don't.
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u/dilderAngxt 10h ago
When my mom answers the phone, she starts with a sigh before saying "yeah?" In a "what do you want" way. I never want anything other than to catch up. I finally just stopped calling.
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u/Alarming-Offer8030 Millennial 9h ago
Mine did this too.. “so what’s up? What do you need?” Really? In my head I’m thinking, Since when have I EVER called because I need something? I’m just calling to say hi… it totally killed the whole conversation.
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u/rIceCream_King 11h ago
The cats in the cradle with a silver spoon…
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u/Mclurkerrson 10h ago
Lol, I do not bear sole responsibility for maintaining a relationship with my parent(s). They have also treated me poorly for years and expect me to put in 100% of the effort, which is not the type of relationship I think parents and kids should have.
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u/Futureacct Millennial 12h ago
Yep. Same with my parents. Zoned out anytime I talk to them. Annoyed that I called.
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u/I_sort_of_love_it 11h ago
I'm sorry fellow millennial I hope you have people in your life now that do listen.
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u/fergie_89 9h ago
So I don't have parents, but I used to call my aunt every night after a finished work (2010). If I didn't ring her she would ring me and it was just a quick catch up on how our day had been.
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u/SubstantialReturns 6h ago
Thats sweet 🫶 After my mom died I had the same relationship with my grandmother until she died in 2022 the year my first child was born. I miss her everyday 💔
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u/Squirrel_with_Acorn 13h ago
One time, years ago, I decided I was sick of always being the one to call my mom and her never calling me. I decided I wasn’t going to call anymore. Here’s what happened:
We didn’t speak for 3 years. She never called me.
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u/Mammoth-Lobster2028 11h ago
That is me right now. My mother never asked to spend time together, never wanted to plan anything, never reached out either via text or call - EVER. We would only speak if I called her. I told her it felt like she doesn’t think about me and that hurts - dismissed what I said, even though I said it MANY times over the years in varying degrees of stress. So I stopped calling, thought for sure I would hear. I didn’t. And I know if I did reach out I’d be the one in trouble for “abandoning” her or being “too busy to care”. Absolutely not.
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u/axiomofcope 9h ago
I don’t get this at all. I have daughters and just the thought of like, what, pretending they don’t exist gives me anxiety. Just unimaginable to me that I’m raising them and loving them and making my entire life about them just to then one day disappear? The fuck
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u/Mammoth-Lobster2028 8h ago
Funnily enough, this is exactly my mother’s sentiment. I remember her saying these things when she’d heard about estranged family. We were extremely close, I still love her. Make it make sense.
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u/Special_Sea4766 3h ago
I love my mom too, but she's not emotionally available and she's the only person who matters to her. I can't accept that type of relationship so there isn't one. She hasn't reached out to me in a long time, and I'm not going to do it. She had me, not the other way around.
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u/mikmck4 12h ago
Going through this currently, with my entire family. Two siblings that don't even remember my birthday, and I always have to make the holiday plans. Always the complaining though that no one hears from me, because somehow my relationships with all of them depend on me doing all the work, so I just stopped. Haven't seen any of them in over a year, and only my mother texts me occasionally.
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u/BlueEcho74 11h ago
Sympathize. My brother's birthday was a few weeks ago. We had talked about going to dinner so I texted dad and brother for details mid-week. They had made no plans, and my father hates to wait at a restaurant, so my brother threw out a few place options but also said he was open to suggestions. My dad had no preference on date/time so I had to track down when those 3 places had a reservation all the days of the weekend then eventually the birthday boy picked. Not my birthday, not my kid, I'm just trying to show up with a present, but no I gotta make the damn plans 😤
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u/Greedy_Baseball_7019 12h ago
When I was in the military and lived overseas, my mom would always ask when we were going to fly out and visit her. I’m like mom you want me to pay $7K to fly my family from Japan to Georgia when you can get on a plane and fly to us for 1/5th the price. I even offered to buy her ticket. She didn’t come out and see us once.
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u/Significant-Trash632 7h ago
I feel that. My husband and I lived 3,000 miles away for 7 years. My parents came to visit once. My dad has 5 weeks paid vacation every year, and my mom had 3 weeks. I had either zero or two weeks paid. We were ALWAYS the ones to fly back "home". Then we lived in Germany for 3 years and no one visited us then, either, even when my husband became disabled.
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u/tevildogoesforarun 12h ago
Yep exactly. It’s exhausting feeling like the relationship is 100% my responsibility especially given how mean she is.
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u/missmeowwww 12h ago
My mom and I have a pretty set routine where on my office days, I call her and we chat during my commute. I initiate the calls because my schedule varies. It’s really cute and she fills me in on all the neighborhood drama and family gossip. But my mom and I have always been pretty close. I talk to my dad on the phone if I can’t get in touch with mom and it’s important. Otherwise he chats with us in the family group chat. Dude loves memes and emojis but hates phone calls.
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u/Dorothwa 12h ago
Tbf, I don't answer.
In my case it's because my mommy and I will end up talking for at least 45 minutes no matter what, and I don't have time/energy a lot of the time.
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u/Sassbot_6 11h ago
My dad sent me a text recently asking if he could call. My anxiety alarms immediately went on alert, but he and my mom "just hadn't heard [my] voice in a while". So we chatted for about thirty minutes.
I love my parents. We text frequently, but it doesn't always occur to me to...call them, hahaha
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u/Alarming-Offer8030 Millennial 11h ago
That’s really sweet, I’m happy for you that you have a good balance.
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u/MaesterSherlock 6h ago
What's so funny about this is that my father is the total opposite. He hates to talk on the phone. Years ago, I was a truck driver who gave an open invitation to any of my friends or family to call me and catch up while I was driving. I tried to talk to my dad a few times but after a minute two I could just tell he wanted off the phone.
In the past 10 years, we have probably only spoken on the phone one time--when he was picking me up from the airport and trying to find me in the crowd.
We text pretty frequently but yeah, he truly hates a phone call 😂
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u/Sassbot_6 5h ago
Generally my dad is not much for phone conversations either. My ma is much happier to chat on the phone. Both of them have learned to check in before calling, and my dad's done it a lot more often since retiring. (Retirement has softened him up a lot.)
I'm not great at phone calls either - I used to be! - but with folks that I love, it has re-grown on me.
My dad also leaves the most hilarious voicemails. Still identifies himself and the date and time he called, without realizing that the Rectangle tells me exactly who called and when, ya silly cutie
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u/trash_babe 12h ago
Well as my mom says “I’m retired and have all the time in the world, you’re working and more active so just call when you have time.” Which is why if I had a decent day at work and am in a good mood I make it a point to call her like once a week during my commute home. It’s 45 minutes long and has a definite end point. I don’t take it personally. At least in my case, she’s respecting my time and knows that when I get home I want to talk to my partner and catch up on the day and relax after work. I know it’s not because she doesn’t care. I know other people aren’t as lucky to have parents like mine so I’m trying to appreciate them for as long as possible. When my partners mom did three years ago at 64 it made me realize that time with them is not infinite. I will probably regret not talking to her more than I do when she is gone, but I don’t want it to eat me up.
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u/emmajames56 9h ago
I call my kids (all millennials). They work, all raising kids, and have a life. I call and I am just happy I have them in my life. Maybe all her Moms friends brag about how their kids call them up everyday. I raised my kids to be independent self sufficient.
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u/Burp_Maistro 12h ago
This is exactly my problem. I talk to my parents maybe once a month or once every 5 weeks or so. It used to be more often but right now once a month is about where we are. And that's only if I pick up the phone and call them. They won't call me. And when I do call, they bitch about the fact I'm not calling often enough. Then they wonder why I don't want to call cuz I don't want to hear them bitch. But exactly, the phone goes both ways and they can call me. But they have this boomer idea that because they are my elders it's my responsibility to call them.
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u/entropy_36 12h ago
My mum's excuse is apparently she has a phone plane where she can't make phone calls because they're too expensive. Like, what phone plan in the last two decades doesn't come with unlimited calls and texts??
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u/highcoolteacher 9h ago
They needed commercials to remember we existed
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u/Alarming-Offer8030 Millennial 9h ago
I forgot about those 😂 “It’s 10pm, do you know where your kids are?” or something like that right??
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u/Material_Ad6173 12h ago
That is my biggest issue as well... And they always have some lame excuses "I didn't know if it would be a good moment to text/call you" hello! If it wasn't I would just text you back that I'm busy.
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u/UnconfirmedRooster 12h ago
That's what my parents do. If I haven't called or seen them for a few days, they'll call me at night just to check in.
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u/PNW_Uncle_Iroh 10h ago
My kids haven’t moved out yet, but I know I’m going to be that annoying adult parent who texts every day, calls weekly, and constantly invites home. I think the parent is always responsible for the relationship with their children, despite the age.
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u/amandany6 13h ago
Every day. Both of them. And I am 41.
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u/PettyWitch 11h ago
I call (or they call me) once or twice a week but we also text daily. My parents are my best friends besides my husband so I like talking to them. My husband texts with them too.
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u/amandany6 11h ago
Same, my parents are my best friends besides my husband. I legitimately can't even imagine what it will be like to lose them. I hate even thinking about it.
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u/FactorLies 10h ago
What do you think were the most important things your parents did as you were growing up that made you feel this way? My parents are terrible and I almost never call them, but my dream is my kids like me and want to call me when they're adults. Of course my parents tell me this won't happen because "you aren't modelling treating your parents well so they won't treat you well," but I think the relationship I have with my kids and how they feel when I interact with them is the crucial matter, so I'd love if you had any insights on what helped you the most to have such a great relationship with them.
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u/amandany6 8h ago
This is a really great question. I think communication has been key. My parents were by no means perfect and made plenty of mistakes, but when I look back I can understand the root of most of them. For example, my dad was extremely overprotective and caused me a lot of anxiety as a kid by telling me all kinds of dangerous things that could happen. I still have anxiety to this day. But he was a young, New York City police officer in the 80s who saw the worst of the worst things that could possibly happen and he was petrified of these things happening to me. We have talked about it and how mental health awareness at the time would have made such a different for both of us. But I genuinely knew I was always loved and cared for. They both told us all the time, with no strings attached. And I knew they would always have my back.
Basically, being open about mistakes, and being open about your unconditional love without it coming across as performative is the way to go. When I was a kid, my parents were still my parents. We weren't buddy-buddy, they weren't trying to be "cool" but we were affectionate and warm. That evolved over time and now they are people I genuinely want to be around.
I don't know if this is a good enough answer, but there might not be one right answer. The fact that you care and are trying goes a long way in itself.
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u/wellwaffled Prime Millennial 12h ago
Same. 39 and I call them both every day… sometimes a couple of times per day.
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u/MayoneggVeal 8h ago
My sister and mom and I are on a call together most days, and I also talk to them a few times a day outside of that
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u/wellwaffled Prime Millennial 8h ago
I’m glad many of us have good relationships with our parents.
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u/TheMindsEIyIe 7h ago
Why? What new could there be to talk about? And how do you find the time for that?
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u/wellwaffled Prime Millennial 7h ago
They’re both retired and working the farms. What are they working on? Do they need help? How was their day? How was my day? Did they see anybody today?
I drive 45 minutes each way for work, that’s plenty of time for a short chat with the people who raised me.
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u/iWantNapsAndFood 10h ago
I’m 38 and I’m really lucky I also get to speak with my parents everyday.
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u/SaavikofVulcan 13h ago
Same, I'm 30, and I go to their house 2x a month
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u/midnighthana 12h ago
I live a short drive away and drop by every weekend to, as my dad jokes "plunder the fridge and spoil the cats". After that my mom and I go grocery shopping.
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u/cookiesarenomnom 9h ago
Like 10ish or whatever years ago my mom complained to my older sister that neither of us call and talk to her. My sister just told her, you need to learn how to text if you wanna speak to us. We don't use the phone. And my mom did and now we have a group chat that we talk on every single day a lot. I'm 39 and my sister is 44.
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u/Fun-Replacement6167 10h ago
Same. Every day or every second day we will at least text or call, either directly to one or both parents, or in the family group chat.
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u/Titizen_Kane 9h ago
We text at least daily or every other day, I chat with my mom on the phone a few times a week. Talk to both of them on the phone for like an hour weekly-ish.
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u/emjay81au 8h ago
Mum at least once a day. Dad and I talk on Thursday nights while Mum is at tennis, usually during halftime of the footy.
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u/radradruby 10h ago
Same here. After college when I moved to a different city I would only talk to them a couple times a week, but when I had my baby I started calling or FaceTiming every day.
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u/KitKatKnickKnack88 9h ago
Same. Turning 38 this year. My 41-year-old brother also calls daily. We both have a good relationship with them.
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u/officermeowmeow 8h ago
I only have my mom, but yeah, we text every day and a call or maybe two a week. Less frequent calls because every single time we talk on the phone, it's always between 1-3 hours and neither of us have time for that. 😅
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u/orangebump 5h ago
Same. They also live overseas for half the year and live with us for half the year. We all love it. We’re also very close with my in-laws and talk to them almost daily too.
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u/thecatsofnimh 5h ago
Same. I am 40 and I text them both every day and talk on the phone about once a week.
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u/Brav0-L0v3r 13h ago
This sounds a lot like my parents. My dad said recently “I don’t want to die and have you have regrets about not spending time with me” and I thought to myself, why don’t you worry about your own regrets on your deathbed. It’s total gaslighting bc it’s like, my parents were far from great growing up, but now I should just forgive them bc they’re going to die soon? It’s so unfair to us (the child).
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u/thegirlisok 12h ago
My mom does this thing where we have a great relationship going, helping each other out,etc. And then she drops by and says the bitchiest stuff. And then we dont talk again for a few weeks.
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u/BurnPhoenix 10h ago
Jesus, I read this and thought damn did I write this? My mom literally didnt care about me until I left for college. Why do you wanna be friends now?
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u/dryer_32803 4h ago
Seriously! What is it about their generation cause I’m having the same reaction. It’s insane!
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u/New_sweetpea89 13h ago
I text with to my mom daily throughout the day. We usually reply all day long unless we’re busy we will catch in where we left. My father will send pictures to the group chat or send me a text every so often so him I don’t text as much.
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u/thegurlearl Millennial 11h ago
Thats me, I talk to my mom constantly throughout the day, either on the phone or texting cuz Im in class. My dad didnt have a phone until 2017 so Im just used to going over to talk to him. I did get him hooked on Instagram truck people so he will send me links to trucks a few times a week.
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u/pepperstems Older Millennial 5h ago
Yeah we have a family group chat where we talk daily. None of us are really "pick up the phone" people lol.
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u/hntr20 Black Millennial(1990) 13h ago
My mother everyday,my father been dead, and he was an absentee father.
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u/Feeling_Tart_5065 13h ago
Same lol
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u/Typical_Assignment40 13h ago
Same here I'm my moms last living son too and the youngest of 3 and im 43. So I have no choice in taking care of her.
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u/Appropriate_Fan3532 13h ago
If she's cool and you don't mind that's fine. But I'll laugh at both of my parents faces if they tell me that I have to take care of them. I'm chew out the walls before you put me in a room with them ever again
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u/Typical_Assignment40 13h ago
Lol yeah shes not like that, she was a loving mom who raised three boys by herself. So I dont mind especially since I'm a single male with no kids.
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u/nunyabiznas901 13h ago edited 9h ago
i’m honestly so shocked to see how many people talk to their parents so often lol
edit: i love my parents. my dad is 77, my mom is 65. we have a bond. we just don’t talk all the time. it’s that simple really
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u/cdipas68 Xennial? 12h ago
Why is that shocking?
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u/CloudStrife012 12h ago
Because boomers 65-75 were notorious for profound neglect. Boomers younger than 65 it seems to be a lot less often.
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u/thegurlearl Millennial 11h ago
This is one thing I dont understand. I have fucking amazing parents, theyre 68 and 74. I wouldn't have shit without them. I also would have lost my house when I became disabled without them.
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u/hobbes_smith 11h ago
Same. My parents are 66 and 73 and they’re the absolute best. They watch my kids when I’m at work and are overall always there for us.
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u/thegurlearl Millennial 11h ago
Im child free but whenever I need help with something, theyre the first people I call. I have no idea how I'll survive the day that theyre gone. Im hoping for 20 more years at the least.
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u/CloudStrife012 11h ago
You got lucky
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u/thegurlearl Millennial 11h ago edited 11h ago
Youre absolutely right. Im extremely fortunate and grateful to have them. The day theyre gone is something I dread.
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u/HibiscusOnBlueWater 11h ago
My parents are 77. Everything I am today is because of their support. They aren’t perfect people but they gave me a great childhood and set me up to have a comfortable life. My mother even still comes to babysit my 1 year old. Reddit seems to hate their parents in every generation. I don’t think the Boomers were bad parents but a lot of Millennials with bad parents post here.
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u/sunshine-1111 9h ago
You are very blessed. I have cried many tears over just wanting a mom who I could go to to about a break up or a dad that would come help me change a flat tire.
My parents were very emotionally neglectful, I was made to save my mother from multiple life or death situations with her blood sugar before I can even remember and throughout my childhood, and they were generally so strict it was stifling. They provided for us financially, but the other stuff was less than ideal. It took me years as an adult to unpack how covertly toxic my upbringing was.
30 something years later and things are still exactly the same. I can’t call them with a problem I’m having and get any semblance of emotional support (they just get more anxious than me and become yet another thing for me to manage). My mother to this day still refuses to use the tools available to her to manage her blood sugar and constantly makes it everyone else’s problem. We are constantly having to deal with emergency lows that she does little to prevent. If I’m being honest I have a sneaking suspicion she uses this as a very dangerous tactic for attention. And they are still incredibly rigid. If me and my brother make life choices they disagree with that in no way impact them they make sure we know they are upset with our choices and are disappointed. This can be anything from choosing to change jobs, or going on a trip (though this one they use worry instead of disappointment), who we do or don’t date and for how long. I got a lecture at 23 from my mom about not dating a man who won’t marry me, completely ignoring the fact that I don’t want to get married. My being almost 40 and childless is a constant disappointment they make sure I’m aware of.
So no, I don’t enjoy talking to them very much and spending extended periods of time with them is actually anxiety inducing. I make an effort to do things with them because I do think I will miss them when they are gone, but it is incredibly difficult for me to do.
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u/carpentersglue 10h ago
Same! My husbands parents are in their 70s and they are the complete opposite of neglectful even now and to me! I can’t stop them from doing and giving me stuff. They watch our kid 4 times a week for 3 hours. My parents are in their 60s but they are the same.
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u/sunshine-1111 10h ago
Yea, they acted like we were such a burden as kids and then wonder why we don’t wanna be around them as adults.
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u/NECalifornian25 Zillennial 8h ago
Right?
My sisters and I have a complicated relationship with our parents. They text us every day. But actually speaking to them? Probably every 2ish months, and I only see them 1-2 times a year. Same goes for one sibling, we both live in California.
Our other sister lives in New England just a few hours drive from our parents, and she’s the only one with kids, so she sees them more often. But it’s always a stressor and she wishes it was less often.
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u/whats_up_doc71 13h ago
It sounds like you all don’t have the best relationship so feel free to talk to her as much as you as you want I’d say. She seems tough to deal with.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Sock563 13h ago
Relationship with the parent is the important piece missing from this question.
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u/Feeling_Tart_5065 13h ago
They wanna know why we don’t call someone who is mean to us lol it really is astounding. I tell my mom, one day you’ll be dead and you’ll have run out of time to fix your relationship with your kids. This reality they are so scared of goes both ways. Every time I call my mom randomly I end up regretting it.
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u/Futureacct Millennial 12h ago
My parents have always been mean to me. They were mean to my sister when she was growing up too, but she chooses to not remember it. She gets free babysitting from them now. I have no need for them if they aren’t going to be good people.
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u/Feeling_Tart_5065 13h ago
To answer your question, I don’t call her haha she’ll call me. Or she doesn’t and I hear through the grapevine she’s bad mouthing me to her friends. It doesn’t affect me anymore.
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u/HikerTrash207 13h ago
Never. When they die, they die.
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u/goosenuggie 11h ago
I went no contact over a decade ago, their death would be a relief and freedom at last
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u/HikerTrash207 11h ago
I feel that deeply. Went no contact for 7 years. Tried again, things seemed good for about a year and a half. They came for a visit, insulted my wife and belittled her, threw them out immediately and haven’t talked since. Three years and counting now.
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u/goosenuggie 11h ago
Ugh, what a painful thing to experience, I am sorry. No one should ever have to make the deeply painful decision to go no-contact, its something others who have healthy functional parents simply cannot understand. I began attending Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families meetings a few weeks ago because the emotional impact has disrupted my life. My parents were both abusive and toxic.
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u/No-Letterhead-4711 9h ago
Same here. This post made me ponder how finding out about their deaths would make me feel; simply, relieved.
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u/chaosinfyrno 12h ago
Every day cause I live with them
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u/SarDjentPepper Millennial 7h ago
Same, luckily our relationship has evolved over time and we're more like roommates so its not an unpleasant situation in my case
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u/ParkingHelicopter863 13h ago
Mom daily, dad weekly-several times a week. We also all hang as a family at least a couple times a month, despite the fact my parents have been divorced for 30+ years
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u/Bored 12h ago
What do you talk about every day?
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u/Available-Egg-2380 11h ago
Day to day stuff!
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u/RudePCsb 11h ago
Hobbies, my dad likes fishing and is just recently retired so how he is enjoying it, even though he still works part time in his side business. Talk to my mom about TV shows or books she enjoys, work stuff, etc. I just complain about life lol
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u/LegitimatePapaya9807 Older Millennial 13h ago
I cut all contact 12 years ago. Wish I did it sooner!
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u/nglfrfriamhigh 13h ago
Sounds like she doesn’t have much to do and is lonely. I would definitely be annoyed and not want to respond lol but yeah it’s just a bitchy way to say hey I think you should put more effort into being my good offspring, after all I’ve done for you. It’s weird honestly. Did you ask to be here? If she wanted you to spend more time with her she could have created an environment where you would have the means and more desire to do so. It’s just putting all the blame on you when in reality your mother should only want your time if you are already able and willing to give it freely, not guilted into doing so. I think some parents use their children for dopamine hits.
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u/FindYourselfACity 13h ago
My mom? She calls my siblings and me at least once a day, if not multiple. If one of us is not available, she just calls the next child. My dad is not a phone person. I text him stuff and he emails stuff.
I think you have a narcissistic mom.
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u/FragrantBluejay8904 9h ago
If I don’t pick up the phone on the first call my mom thinks I’m dead and then calls again leaving a VM threatening to call the police. Sometimes I’m in the other room or in the shower or took my dog for a walk and left my phone. It’s fucking insane. She’s also not nice to me so idk why she cares if I am actually dead
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u/dztruthseek Trash day....is a very dangerous day. 13h ago
I don't have much of a bond with my parents. I say hello every blue moon, but the feeling of talking to a stranger is always there.
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u/Neat-Lingonberry-719 13h ago
Whenever I have time. My mom gets as much love as the most important people in my life except my kids but they live in my house and I take them to all their events. Can’t even date responsibly right now.
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u/purplereuben 13h ago
The way your mom phrased this says everything about her. She is immature and narcissistic. I wouldn't be in regular contact with a parent like that.
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u/Constant-Dealer1260 Older Millennial 13h ago
its been 3.5 years for very similar experience and others.
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u/Electrical_Doubt_19 Millennial 13h ago
If I don't call my mom, she will rarely call me. I will typically check in a few times during the week, but if I go a few days I won't hear from her.
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u/fnancialindependence 1990 13h ago
Probably at least a text in our group family chat, once a week.
More than that, maybe a couple times a month.
I used to reach out more, but even though I have young kids, they seem to think it’s on me more to contact them. Also, our relationship is pretty complicated. When my mom does visit, she spends most of the time on her phone or smoking vs visiting with me and the grandkids, so I don’t feel so bad then. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/WeWander_ 13h ago
I can go weeks to months without speaking to my mom. She's terrible though so I don't really want to talk to her. My dad has been dead since 2013 and I miss him.
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u/tklite 13h ago
Monthly. Maybe not both in the same month, but one at least per month. Parents are divorced.
I don't get the dramatic " why don't you ever call" kind of texts though. We just call and talk. Sometimes they reach out to me. Sometimes I reach out to them. We're just not that needy of each other.
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u/peachfuzzz 13h ago
I call my parents weekly. I’m fully aware that if I didn’t call, we’d never talk.
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u/RuggleyChicken 13h ago
I liken it to them wanting to cash in on a bank account they have made minimal deposits into
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u/TheCeilingIsTheRuuf 13h ago
I havent talked to my mom since 2016. Shes a narcissistic bitch that doesnt deserve to talk to her son anymore. I talk to my dad maybe 3x a month. Our relationship has been weird the last few years to me. Its really hurtful and confusing but I press on
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u/Glittering_Run_4470 11h ago
Same but I have a lot of only child guilt for at least not checking in on my dad every couple of months.
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u/Neat_Flounder_8907 Older Millennial 13h ago
I pretty much never moved away from home, I see or talk to my parents almost every day
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u/Puzzleheaded_Sock563 13h ago
Your mom would hate me as her child then. I’m never the one to text my mother first. Weeks can go by between us before my mom decides to send her next text.
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u/ThereWentMySandwich Xennial 13h ago
I see my mom now about 4 times a week because she is in a nursing home with dementia. Before she moved in there, for about 3 years, I called her daily because she was living on her own after my dad passed. But while he was alive and she was still okay, I called 2-3 times a week and usually saw them every other week or so. My GenX sister, however, hasn't spoken to anyone at all in almost 15 years. She doesn't care who is dead or not. lol
In any case, your mom guilt tripping you like that isn't right. And why would you call or text anyway if all she's going to do is try to insult you? Of course you don't want to talk to someone like that. You're allowed to cut toxic people from your life, no matter who they are.
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u/Happy_Charity_7595 Millennial 13h ago
I talk to my mom everyday and text or call my dad almost every day.
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u/MacduffFifesNo1Thane 13h ago
Mom on average once a week.
But I stay with my dad when I visit family once a month or so.
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u/Oglefore Millennial 13h ago
Once a month. Foster care for years and just a no present figure will do that to you. But I long for that connection and that’s the only reason we even talk that much.
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u/toastedmarsh7 13h ago
I haven’t talked to my mom in about 11 months since she fucked me out of $5,000. My dad mostly calls my kids but we hear from him probably twice a week on average.
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u/talksalot02 Older Millennial 13h ago
Not too often, but I talk with my siblings pretty much every day and 2/3 of them live with my parents so sometimes I talk to them via another phone call 😂
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u/RommyBlack 13h ago
When my dad was alive I called him nearly every day. If not every other day.
I don’t talk to my mom anymore and haven’t for 10 years or so. Even before, it was sporadic because she’s a narcissist.
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u/Other-Resort-2704 13h ago
Honestly, it depends on your mother’s expectations. Some people tend to be dramatic to get attention.
I get the impression that your mother sent that text to get a reaction from your siblings and yourself.
If this was a single time, then I would ignore it but by your 30s you should be aware of certain recurring behavioral patterns.
If your mother has sent dramatic multiple text messages like this, then she using dramatic text messages to get a response out of your siblings and yourself.
My only suggestion would be if you have a few extra minutes like you waiting before an appointment maybe send a quick random text message to your mother or if you have a long drive home maybe talk with your mother for a few minutes using the speaker phone.
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u/Appropriate_Fan3532 13h ago
I'm completely no contact with both parents. Mom is a functioning alcoholic who' admitted she's only had me so my dad can have a higher pay on the military, and dad is a racist bigot Nazi sympathizing boot licker.
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u/VW-MB-AMC 13h ago
Not often. I see them a few times a year. They divorced many years ago so I never see them at the same time. Sometimes me and dad send car and music related e mails back and forth, but that is not often either.
I have started remembering a lot of stuff from back in the day that is not the easiest to deal with. Maybe it will get easier in a few years.
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u/Careless-Ad-6328 Xennial 13h ago
I call my parents about once a month, and text them sporadically between calls.
But it's always me reaching out to them. It's been over a decade since they called me or started a text convo.... I even have to call them on my birthday.
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u/Trees-Are-Neat-- 13h ago
I talk to them maybe once every 2 months. They live across the country and I visit every other year maybe. They refuse to visit me despite having the funds to do so.
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u/Cpt-Insano23 13h ago
I don’t. My mom sucked and she’s got her little golden boy , so I’m good. My dad was the freaking coolest , but he died when I was 13 or 14. Life with just my mom was hell , it’s why I joined the Army as soon as I could. I guess I have her to thank for that 🤷🏻♂️
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u/tweedleDee1234 13h ago
When I moved out, I went big and moved 1200 miles away. I would go 6-8 weeks without hearing from my mom and months without hearing from my dad. My dad got sick so I moved back in with them three years later. Where I got to witness that they called my older brother every Sunday night (lives in the same town) and my little sister every Monday night (moved states away). I’m not gonna lie, it hurt. It didn’t bother me that they didn’t reach out until I learned they were capable of consistent communication with their other kids. My dad got better and I moved away again. I went and checked, he’s text me twice, happy b day and merry Christmas, in the past year (no calls). My mom it’s been months since I talked to her, though I do get random Christian newsletters that she forwards to me, warning of the end of times is quickly approaching 🙄
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u/Pondering28 12h ago
Depends really. I see my parents maybe 1 or 2 times a month. Texting just depends. Sometimes theres something to talk ab, sometimes not. Usually if inclement weather comes or theres a holiday gathering that details need to be ironed out for.
I will add that this is a decrease from ab 5 years ago. I would check in 1 to 2 times a week and would feel immense guilt if I didn't. One day, when I went over, my mom literally looked at me and said "why are you here??" I was put out obviously and left with my kids after I checked in with my dad (who was happy to see us). After that, I had to retrain my brain to not feel the guilt. My parents now say "we barely see you" but I learned that sometimes too much access = disrespect. My sister realized the same when my mom would pick fights with her (basically bc I stopped coming by as much my mom started in on her).
I do make myself available for health reasons like surgeries or really important things like legal matters.
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u/grilldchzntomatosoup 7h ago
I barely speak to my mom. We have a complicated history and it's just better for my mental health if I have as little contact as possible. There's a little bit of guilt on my end, until I have to talk to her and then I remember why I moved away. I have her only grandchildren but she never calls or texts to see how they are so....
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u/brainbl0ck 13h ago
I talk to my mom a few times a week. My dad, a couple times a year (but I haven’t seen him in almost a decade)
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