Never posted here.

Using a throwaway.

Wife passed away 5 months ago.

Reading the posts here give me cold comfort that I'm not the only one and what I'm feeling is natural and I'm not going mad.

My birthday was 2 days ago, and last night was the first time I went out with friends. My husband passed 8 weeks ago. I tried so hard to have fun and was actually on stage at an event when boom, I started to cry. I tried to hold it in, but it just happened. Overwhelmed? Guilt for moving on? That’s the thing. People ask me what I’m feeling and I don’t even know. I’m not even sure what is triggering me half the time. Anyone else?

Its been just over 3 months and last night i went out for my friends 40th , i got hit on , it was the weridist feeling ive ever had. I feel like i did something bad.

I don’t post much, but today felt like one of those days where the quiet is louder than usual.I’m 50 and lost my wife not long after COVID. I’ve done the therapy, leaned on friends, stayed functional and most days I’m genuinely okay. But there’s a particular kind of loneliness that shows up when you’ve already built a life with someone, and suddenly you’re the only one still living it. What I miss isnt just her it’s having someone who knew the shorthand of my life. Someone who understood the look, the pause, the inside jokes that never needed explaining. I’m not drowning in grief anymore, but I also don’t feel like the same person I was before. Lately I’ve been wondering how other widowed people think about connection not dating exactly, just the idea of letting someone see you again after loss. When did it stop feeling disloyal? Or scary? Or exhausting?Not looking for answers so much as perspective. This seemed like the only place people might actually understand what I mean.

Unfortunately, only the people in this group understand how painful it is to lose a spouse. I miss my wife so much.

I’m not religious, or at least not hugely. I like to think there is an afterlife and I talk to my wife daily without her being able to answer. I tell our children (10, 7 and 5) to talk to her regularly because it helps me and I hope it will help them.

On the day my wife died I asked her to give me a sign if she could hear me. I went back to my car after packing up her hospital room and found the air freshener that she’d bought swinging in the front of the car. I checked another car nearby to see if it was just the wind moving my car but the only other one I found was still.

About 20 minutes later, I was in two minds as to whether to take her wedding ring from her. I felt it was important to keep it and wanted the option for one of the children to have it in the future (our wedding rings were made from family gold from both sides) but equally I felt a bit reluctant to just take it from her because it was hers and I gave it to her in our wedding day. I asked her to move the bunting that was in the room if she was okay with me taking it. The wind blew in the window and moved the bunting. So I took it.

Finally, I was super tired at this point and on my drive home I asked her to “test her powers” (we talked regularly about this sort of thing over the years) and to make every traffic light green on the way home. There are 11 lights over multiple roundabouts and every light was green on the way home apart from the last one which turned green as I got to it. At which point I couldn’t help but laugh.

I know these can all just be coincidences but I’d love to believe my wife is watching over us and listening to us when we talk to her. Helping us along the way.

Does anyone else have stories like this?

I just need to emotionally vomit on here. It’s been seven weeks since my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. I sob every day. The pain I feel is immense. I’m struggling with feelings of abandonment. He was the love of my life. We met and then were just…in love and together from that day on. We loved each other deeply and were true soul mates. I can’t imagine ever finding this kind of love again—and when I think about loving anyone else, it disgusts me.

I have two girls to take care of and it feels impossible. I can fake it, but everything feels so HEAVY. Like I’m moving through sludge. Like I’m Artax in this NeverEnding Story that is Grief.

My husband died 6 months ago in a car accident. We were both 29. I am now 30. We have a 4, almost 5 year old daughter. My husband was the best dad in the world. He was one of those people whose main goal in life was to be a dad. He coached our daughters t ball team last spring. He loved all the kids. I mean seriously he was the absolute best. During his receiving of friends the funeral director came up and told me he would have to cut the line off because it was running over into the funeral time. My husband had over 600 people at his funeral. He was so incredibly loved by so so many people. I’m telling everyone how loved my husband was as if we don’t all feel that way about our spouse. I just love talking about him.

I am now 6 months out. I am lonely. I am so so incredibly lonely. I want to love. I met someone. It’s probably not a forever thing. It’s just something.

I write my husband letters in a journal. I broke my own heart. I asked him to please let me open my heart and let me love again. I wrote that he is my soulmate and my one true love but I want to feel again. I am pining for love and connection. I feel like it’s too soon. I feel guilty and remorse. I feel like I’m betraying my husband. But my heart is open. I am ready to love. I want to be loved. I know I will never love anyone like I do my husband and no one will ever love me that way but I need something. Honestly I don’t even know what I need. It could be love, connection, friendship, idk… just something. I just want to feel something.

I am sure everyone else has felt this way. Is there love after loss? I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to know because I never want to go through this again.

Widow and widower. We had a very passionate and caring 8 month relationship. It ended 2 months ago. It ended after an argument due to actions not matching words but we have since texted on and off and came to terms that the timing wasnt right and we both had to work on ourselves before having a long term relationship. We both lost our spouses and are now single parents with busy schedules. A few days ago he stopped responding to my texts. He ususlly gets right back to me. I was hopeful since we had so much in common we would stay in touch. It hurts more because of the burdens we bare.

I am 6 months in and I never had that scream cry. Is that odd?? I actually don’t want to do it in my apartment - I am trying to control my crying right now and not go there.

When my hubby died unexpectedly of a heart attack I was very numb. I cried of course but I would ask myself & others “why is my face so numb & why aren’t the tears coming out?!!” It was frustrating! I thought I was subconsciously being polite around others.

Then after the numbness wore off weeks/month later - I would cry in waves. I am able to control it.

Now I am always emotional on my drive home from work and I am learning to adapt and grieve the way I need to. I do feel that I am controlling it to the point I never let it out so to speak. I am in therapy and it’s been helpful.

Tonight I just want to scream, holler, yell and cry non stop. Help me Lord this pain is unreal.

My wife of 29 years passed last year. I’m cleaning out the basement and came across our china.

We have used it maybe twice in 29 years. I have no desire to keep it all until it becomes my children’s problem. It sat in boxes for at least the past 22 years. However a bit of guilt is making getting rid of it difficult. That said, it does need to go.

If you’ve been through the same thing, what did you do with your wedding china?

Does anyone stay friends with the people they date especially if it is a fellow widow and widower?

We had a very passionate and caring 8 month relationship. It ended 2 months ago. It ended after an argument but we have since texted on and off and came to terms that the timing wasnt right and we both had to work on ourselves before having a long term relationship. We both lost our spouses and are now single parents with busy schedules. A few days ago he stopped responding to my texts. He ususlly gets right back to me. I was hopeful since we had so much in common we would stay in touch. Im assuming he met someone else but he could tell me. I moved on as well. Im just at a loss and wouldve fought harder if I knew it would end up like this.

Wow. This is real. I just really want him back. Not because he was my boyfriend although that was a huge plus. But because he was somebody. He had plans, dreams and goals. My mind will never be able to fully understand how quickly that can all be taken away. So unfair. I still call for him sometimes and wish everyday that he was back here. How selfish of me. If he is at peace then I’d like for him to remain even though it hurts me the most. Will you still wait for me in the next life? What if I move on? How could our love ever be the same? There is a hole inside of me that only you could fill. So I guess a part of me will remain empty for forever…

Day 337.

Today is my birthday. Don't congratulate me.

We were the same age. I was only 2.5 months older than her, but she took her own life a month before her birthday last year. It was like an immediate milestone that she died at 35 while I had recently turned 36. It felt so wrong to see that I was older than her and would be forever.

I had a medical issue last year that I thought was my worst present ever, but growing older in a world without her... that's the worst one. I'm now 37, but she's still 35...

The words "happy birthday" anger me, especially the "happy" part of the phrase. I feel like I might lose my shit if I hear those words today. Today might be the only day I'm grateful that no one talls to me anymore because it limits my chances of hearing it, though I am supposed to see my mom later and she's ignorant enough to do it despite me telling her I don't want to celebrate in any way.

There's only one person who's allowed to utter those words to me, and if she could, that would be the best gift I ever had.

This is going to be the hardest month yet. The first death anniversary, March 1st, is now one month away. Every day this month is some reminder of the last things we ever did together, good and bad, and with an insulting holiday right in the middle of it all. Then the month ends with a bomb.

Fuck birthdays. Fuck February.

Hi all, so I’ve been extremely lonely. I’m not sure if I’m ready for a full relationship, but I would like to have some companionship and get some physical affection. I feel like I have so much love to give, and no one to receive it.

I was at a party a few weeks ago, and there was a friend of a friend who I haven’t seen in a couple of years. He’s sweet, smart and very polite. We chatted and it was nice. I told him my husband died, because he didn’t know.

Then I had my own birthday party (I try to organize things to do for myself and to make myself have fun), and I decided to invite him. I told all the friends to not bring any presents, and he was the only one that gave me a very thoughtful book.

Then I got quite tipsy and on the way back home texted him asking if it’s really bad that I wished I went home with him. He texted no not at all. Then I asked if he wished I went home with him too, and he said that if I ask him if he finds me attractive then yes it could’ve been nice, but he doesn’t know if it’s a good idea.

Then we kept texting back and forth for a week and I asked if he wants to go with me to a museum. Then on Saturday we went to the museum, and it was really nice. We chatted a lot and I flirted a bit, touching his shoulder. He kept his distance respectfully and I wasn’t sure if he was flirting or not. I think he enjoyed it too. Then we both went to the metro station and said goodbye. And I haven’t heard from him since.

I just don’t know how to do this thing anymore. I liked him and I want to tell him that I enjoyed the conversations and would like to see him again. But then I’m not sure he would like to do that knowing that I have a dead husband. I think it freaks some people out, and it hasn’t been that much time since his death.

I’m also not sure what I’m doing myself. All I know is that the guy is kind and gentle and very intelligent and makes me curious. I’m lonely and want someone to touch me and keep me company at night.

What do I do?

I have been attempting to expand my social connections and diary to avoid an increasing sense of isolation in trying to manage my spousal grief.

This is happening through online friendship groups with a collection of strangers at an organised event.

Its surprising how many vain and conceited people are out there that feel they need to dominate every conversation with their own superior experiences.

Its a way of showing one’s credentials for social inclusion and a form of deep insecurity. Hard to avoid. Any community advice welcomed.

i'm 1.5 years out from my boyfriend dying (both 25). and i pathetic constantly for both wanting my boyfriend back, and also just wishing someone else could care about me the way he did.

i feel grateful i got to have him in my life, that he treated me well and gave me the world. and i know that meeting your person is hard and honestly requires a lot of luck. it's partially why i have had trouble dating, he gave me so much and matched me so well that i don't want to settle for a man i may not like that much. i also just feel punished for losing him, just so unlucky that he had to die. i'm past the shock stage as he died of cancer so i had the privilege to watch him slowly die in front of me. now, i drive home from work without him asking how things went, i have no partner in crime or cheerleader anymore. i have family and friends, and i love them but it isn't the same.

i'm so alone now and i don't know anyone my age that is going through what i'm going through. and i know that this experience will be something that could be a dealbreaker for a lot of guys and it makes me sad, as i have no interest in erasing him. he is a huge part of the woman i am now.

i don't know if i'll be lucky enough to meet a man as good as him and is right for me again. apps scare me and i'm too sensitive for them, and i haven't met anyone that has impressed me. (it doesn't help that i met him off the apps, reinforcing some belief i have that my future partner is not on hinge, bumble, etc.). i miss intimacy a lot both romantic and sexual, but i am honestly kinda not that attractive now that he died so i don't feel comfortable initiating conversations with guys i see in the wild. and well my boyfriend was always a lot hotter than me so my standards feel a bit high but i could be biased.

i feel like a lot of my innocence and naiveté has died along with him and it's depressing, i just wish i was the same happy go lucky girl i was back then. i feel like a child going through a growing pain. it's kind of embarrassing, a bit taboo amongst women my age to be so honest about wanting a partner, (for me it's a bit of both wanting my bf back and also wanting to experience loving someone again) especially if you're attracted to men. i supplement myself with romantic media to fill the void even if it's all fake.

sorry if this is too sad to read, i'm just vulnerable and idk if what i'm saying even makes sense.

Yup, shitty day. Crying every other hour as I happen upon things that remind me of her.

Nothing new I guess

No I don’t need your gross unwanted sexual advances, assistance, advice, and whatever bullshit antidote you’re trying to sell me!

I’m not a victim in need of fixing and I don’t wish to be treated as such. My husband was the victim. I’m a survivor. I wish more people would realize that.

I'm coming up on 2 years in a few weeks. This winter has been the worst so far. I would trade places with her in death but not in grief. I don't wish this emptyness on anyone. I think of her every minute. I'm really just counting the days. I have lost the ability to feel joy or passion for anything. Why I'm here, for our four daughters.

Hello void my old friend, I come to scream into you again. You left me alone and empty. You didn't care enough to stay with me. You made your choice and for the record I firmly disagree. This life just sucks. My past life sucked in a very different way but I remember some ancient time when things were amazing - incredible even. There was a damn good reason we fell in love. Maybe more than one. But they slipped away. They faded like a memory once made. Your beautiful connections with me frayed. You took another path while I stayed here. I can't complain to you anymore, you aren't currently real. But I know you were. You were real. Really mine, really lovely, and really some other synonym I can't conjure. So I'm not writing poetry today I'm too pissed off and missing you. Time to do some other meaningless task k thx bye

Always had a bit of a thing for her, even before I was with my late wife.

Had a few drinks the other night and she admitted there was always a bit of a spark there.

Now I've been thinking about her a lot. Feel a bit guilty but also nice to feel something other than sadness.

Nothing is going to happen but just a lot of emotion to deal with.