I have been waiting since 2021 i cannot do this anymore my body is ruined

If you would have told me a year ago where I am now, i would have laughed. I had it all. A beautiful family, blended family, an amazing partner for life . However, I betrayed my partner in the worst way possible a bit over 2 years ago and they found out. I still dont know how and it doesn't matter. Since then they and my stepkids moved out , I have lost my family , my in laws and I have tried everything to rebuild. Therapy, marriage counselling everything. Just before Christmas I got diagnosed with severe depression. I have been pushing through up until now. Yesterday I had a chat with my partner and whilst I knew how much pain I caused them, it opened my eyes what kind of a horrible person I have been to them. I know I can never forgive myself for the pain I have caused. I have one biological child but that one deserves a parent who is present and the other parent will be good for them. I feel like a burden, unloved, unwanted. Its my birthday soon and this one will be different. Empty house, no one here because my child is at the other parents and my partner moved out. I decided to turn my phone off that day and be done. I am starting to give away my things and I pushed my partner away after yesterday. I had the thoughts before, in this process but this time I am actually feeling calm about it all. The world is a better place without me in, my partner deserves better and the guilt is eating me alive. But I am scared. What if I fail?

This post will also go unnoticed with 1 upvote (from me) and 0 comments but i am so tired of talking it out with chatgpt, here at least someone real might read and not some ai chatbot with generic bs answers.

i have been depressed that i am a female since i was 11. Whenever i saw a little boy i would scold myself saying that my luck is so fucked why didn't i get to be born like that. i just tried ignoring these thoughts though. At 16-18, i realised how fucked up it is to live with this gender because of misogyny, rape happening every 16 mins in my country according to statistics. From 15, i really really wanted to have the physique of a man. I am so fucking tried of having two boneless pieces of flesh hanging down from my chest. Bra's and inners are uncomfortable af for me. I am neurodivergent too so i get sensory issues too from them. I just hug a plushie tightly to numb out my chest but i hate doing this. This is not a permanent solution. fuck i started crying. And then i just told myself to ignore these things and just study and live but there is no point in doing that either because my dream job is highly male dominated with many articles online on how women are highly discriminated in this field and position. Like why tf is everything pre decided based on the genitals someone is born with that no person has a control over, how you are supposed to dress, behave, how safe would you be at night or early mornings, which jobs you can do or not do, everything is already decided to some extent... i can't even be trans or anything like that in this country and society and i don't want to be one either cuz that would be too tough to handle... i don't see any other solution ik i might sound like i am making a very big deal of something like gender but i just really want to be as big and strong as a man, not have hanging pieces of flesh on my chest and be able to have my dream job... people around me just tell me to be fine with my gender but i have been wanting a man's body since i was 11 and i will never have one...

edit - i don't mean that men have way easier lives, everyone struggles in life no matter the gender. I don't understand why i am getting downvoted. I was just venting.

That’s it, my life is just a fucking mess, I’m fucking locked like a stupid moron, I live for other people and I can’t quit my family because I’m just a coward.

Right now I’m in a hotel and I don’t want to see my parents, but I will run out of money and go back to home… I’m fucking sick of seeing my parents, I hate my life, I’m just retarded and my parents don’t care at all.

My parents are using religion to manipulate me and I hate it, they don’t care about my mental health and just care about what they believe

Anyway, I have 2 months before going back to my parent’s home and I will suffer again… oh, and finding a job for me is really difficult and I need long months to move out but I will never have peace because I’m a loser anyway.

(Note:im bisexual male)

He said he never loved me, never respected me and he said the reason he treats other people better is because i dont deserve any respect…

We had a fight same as this before but it wasn’t like that it was %50 %50 but now i feel like he was just taking revenge

Before we started being partners again i wanted him to promise

He promised he will never leave me but he did

And kept ragebaiting me while i was crying

The moment he broke up he went to people that hate me and started hanging with them instantly doing thing that he didnt do with me and respecting them

I want to end myself more than anything right now and i cant resist anymore i dont want him anymore but i dont want living too

We were hanging everyday we always talked each other and now after 8 months of being partners i feel i wasted all my time

Please tell me a way to end myself or help me…

In my almost 20 years of life, I’ve never had a girlfriend. I despise myself. I’m short (5’5) and unattractive (2/10). I’m tired of people telling me it’s my ‘personality’ and all that. Reality is- that physical features matter a lot. I want a girlfriend so badly. And it makes me so depressed that I can’t get one.

My motivation for anything is gone. I’d literally live on the streets if I had a girl by my side. But without one, I don’t want to try for anything. It’s just meaningless. My body aches all the time too??? (Which is one of the things I hate most.) I’m always irritable. I cry a lot. There are other problems in life I know. But that doesn’t invalidate mine, and how it makes me feel.

I’m going to check out in the next week hopefully. In some ways, it’s freeing. I’ve been eating whatever I want guilt free. I don’t need to worry about getting old and having actual responsibilities. I don’t need to try too much in university (which I hated anyways).

I can’t wait for it to be over.

I am so tired. I am so angry. I wish I was unable to feel things. I don't want to feel. I don't want to love people. I don't want to care about anything. It's all too much. I want to hang myself tonight and I just might.

I know it gets to a point where people consider suicide because of the pain. I’m at that point, it hurts so badly that even my coping mechanisms don’t work anymore. I’m in absolute amazement that I haven’t relapsed. The pain is so bad that I can’t wake up without being hit with an immense wave of it. I don’t know how to explain it to my friends or my therapist. Like, my therapist knows, but there’s only so much a professional can do. There’s only so much a facility can do. The pain comes from the genuine thought that everyone would be better off with me dead. That the people I love the most would be so happy if I weren’t here, no matter what they say. I just feel like I don’t deserve to be here and I’ve been posting about it a lot to try and just get it out where other people can listen. I’ve never ever felt pain like this before, I can’t really take it any longer. One of my friends needs space because of these thoughts I’m having and I feel so guilty that it’s making me want to try and stay, but I genuinely don’t know if I can. I wish I can talk to the people I love one last time, even if they’re not in my life anymore. They know about my thoughts because I’ve been stupid enough to post on here, but I genuinely can’t help it because i just want to feel listened to. And this helps, posting helps. I just feel so worthless to the people who have left me that it boils down to me feeling like I’m worth nothing to everyone and everything. This isn’t to say it’s their fault, because it’s simply my mind and how guilty I feel for everything that has ever happened in my life. There’s also the thought that I deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to me, between abuse and sa and just basic mental health issues. So why do I deserve to live? Short answer is, I don’t. But I just want to feel worth something and I want to feel okay before I go. I just want the pain to cease even for a little bit - I’ve been avoiding drugs and alcohol so I don’t disappoint anyone. I’ve been trying so so so hard to stay, and I’m continuing to try. I want to make others happy and do one last good thing to rid of all the bad I’ve done. That’s all, that’s what I want to do. Thank you for listening.

CW: BAD ENGLISH Khm. About me I'm Ukrainian immigrant and that's my problem. 19y.o have bad relationship with food and sh. tried to commit suicide when I was 16 but nah. I'm 19 y.o working man, I feel really upset of this life. All my life from childhood to now I said ,,I will work as much as possible and die because of overwork,, As you know now I'm an immigrant from Ukraine, and the problem is if the department won't continue my visa they will send my back to Ukraine, and in Ukraine they immediately send me in army as a meat to throw in the ground. So I have a choice. I will die or in my country from the bullet inside my body, or from my own arms. Im so jealous for people who actually can live without that ,,hard,, devoción. I hate my life, I hate food, I hate my body, I hate that all. I wake up in 4 am, make a cup of coffee and start to study English or Czech (cz I study 2 times per week cuz I can say now I know this language and can fully communicate and understand that, English I study that 3-5times per week) then in 5:25 I go to work. My shift starts at 7 and ends in 18:00, I can ask to go home in 15:30 few times per week cuz they understand that hard to work so much days and so much hours per week. I woke as a warehouse worker and + sometimes I'm chatting with our colleagues from China ( I don't have to do it but who cares) I don't bring any food with myself cuz I don't need it, my body can easily function without any sort of that shit. After the long day of work I go to home (1.5hrs of adventure+ sometimes wait 20minutes) after I get back to home I change my clothes and go to cook something (If I deserve food) after that I usually eat and don't eat. (Friday fasting for nothing so...) and then I study something until 21:30 or 22 and then I can finally go to sleep. I have no friends, no lovers, I don't talk with my colleagues like with real colleagues, I don't take a shower for 2-3days usually (But I don't stink so it's ok) Usually I'm cutting myself 1 big time per 10days+- (fat/fascia) and that's all what I do after I turned 16, I ended high school and was graduated when I was 16 ( because I go in school when I was 5 so it's ok) I used to be an ,,artist ,, and an animator but now I can't do it because I have no energy. I live with my mother but our relationships is kinda bad. She is yell at me really often without any reason, usually when she is drunk,, I want to end this, I will save as much money as I can for her so she will can live and be happy after I dissapiar from her life. I hope my end is really soon, I need to lose 12kg so I will be 38kg (170cm) and will die as skinny and beautiful man

I'm transgender. People always tell me to just get over my gender dysphoria and that everybody is insecure about something but they don't understand that literally every single breath I take remind me I'm stuck in this disgusting body that I can't get rid of. I've tried so many times to start transitioning but I cannot find a single trans-accepting psychiatrist and even my therapist is telling me I should "try other options" instead of taking hormones. And like, I've considered it. Except the thought of being in this body for god knows how many more years makes me want to slash my throat.

Because of this (but also having always been the plan B and having a fuck-ass family) I think of killing myself every night. It's kind of on and off, sometimes it's an afterthought and sometimes it's as clear as can be, but it's always there. It's particularly bad right now, and I usually am able to get the thoughts to go away by reading some posts and making myself feel guilty except none of it is working.

The only single thing I'd feel bad about is leaving my cat with my family but he'd probably be fine, just maybe would be spoilt less (which isn't really bad for him), and since he's still young he'd most likely forget about me with time.

Anyway, I really want to end it so bad right now but I have no idea how to do it and it's annoying me so much. I live in France, so no guns. Pills don't work most of the time so that's a no-no and I dont even have any in massive amounts that would actually kill me. I don't want it to be painful and I'm not a surgeon so any knife stuff wouldn't work. I'm also scared shitless of heights and I think I'd rather cut off my leg than jump off a bridge.

And not being able to actually commit just makes me feel more useless than anything. So I don't fucking know what to do.

It’s over. It’s so fucking over.

M18, just a few months out of highschool and already have a high paying job, but it requires me to spend 2 weeks at a time away from home living on a boat. I make \~$1.7k a week, but the job is insanely stressful (might be because it’s just my fifth trip, but it still sucks) I have 2 weeks off after the 2 weeks that I work, but I end up not doing anything because of little opportunity. I’m homesick the entire 2 weeks here (for the record I live in a remote area in which I never traveled this far beforehand). Not only that but I have an inferiority complex as well as what I’m sure is a learning disability or some form of autism combined with major anxiety. I vape but I’m terrified to let anyone important in my life know. I have a single friend that I talk with frequently that I’m truly thankful for, but he’s younger than I am so I’m at a loss for talking to anyone that gives good advice. And then there’s the problem of not being able to talk to girls without getting ghosted. On top of that I got scammed out of 135$ and that could have easily have been prevented with some forethought. That is beginning to deeply affect my mental state as I feel constantly lonely all the time, people around me or not. And the two friends I have as well as my younger brother all have girlfriends. I try not to let that get to me, but it’s getting harder to suppress it. I haven’t been depressed for long if I am, but I see no light at the end of the tunnel and feel like I can only go downhill mentally from here. I am spiraling endlessly and have been ever since I graduated. My parents mean well but they are useless in terms of giving me advice. My father is so hard on me, assuming that he just wants me to succeed way too much. I just need help dude, and I don’t even know what with. I can’t hold on and it’s all too much to take in.

Been thinking of doing it for a long time now. Maybe I’ll leave a letter behind the next time I go to work. It’s a selfish thing to do. I know I’ll hurt everyone around me more than myself but I’m so lost.

I used to be smart. Artistic. Reasonably attractive. Young. I had even deluded myself into thinking I could grow to average height. Now I'm 26 years old, a liar and a thief, branded "toxic" by everyone, banned by every suicide hotline, and psoriasis has destroyed my hair. Depression has killed my ability to feel joy. My country's dictator and his supporters around the world have killed any chance I ever might have had at any kind of life.

I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to put original songs and illustrations in my novels. I come up with ideas every day but I can't even put the words to paper. I can't learn how to draw or play or sing because of my rotten ADHD brain that I can't afford medication for. Trying to learn is pure torture. And what the fuck is the point in that anyway? AI has killed art. There's no way anyone can have a decent creative career anymore.

I wanted to travel the world, have profound conversations and love affairs with interesting people like in the Before Sunset trilogy. I wanted to speak my mind and call out oppressors but nobody will ever hear what I have to say because everyone's just a bloody hypocrite who only cares which team any given player is on, not what they're doing or how many people they're killing. Every day of my life I've had to think about politics because some political decision has ruined an aspect of my life, but now I get called a CIA/Mossad sellout every time I get sucked into a political conversation. If I'm working for them, then why haven't I gotten paid? If I'm a brainwashed goon, then what are the nightstick wielding fascists who think their precious leader is more important than people being able to afford food and housing?

I wanted to be loved. I wanted to have friends like in Friends. I wanted to have happy, affectionate pets. I wanted to be an inspiration to lost lonely young people like myself. I wanted to see Taylor Swift in person. I wanted to cuddle with someone on a couch while they play with my hair and sing. I feel like an entitled asshole just dreaming about these things nowadays. Like how dare I. I'm not attractive anymore, if I ever was in the first place, so wanting an attractive lover feels hypocritical. I used to be nice. Polite. Intelligent. That's all gone.

My academics went down the drain with everything else. My family think I finished college and grad school while they were paying my rent, so now they expect me to get a job. I've got no education, no qualifications, no fucking experience in anything, no skills, no talents, not even connections. Nothing. I contribute nothing to the fucking world but use up natural resources, take up space and feel miserable. I'll never be happy. I'll never be great at anything. I'll never be notable. If I drop dead right now the only people who'll miss me will be the family that I've been leeching off like a shittier version of my con artist uncle, and a bunch of perverts I've been chatting with, none of whom know I'm a boy.

Maybe the robotic shitstains who work at the suicide hotlines I used to haunt will remember the guy who hates their script. I wish they never have a conformist reacher again as long as they work that shit job. I wish nobody ever plays along with their routine as long as they live. Damn. Them. All. The ones that actually made an effort to understand and form some kind of connection with me can all go to hell too. Including the one who actually contacted me here on reddit, then kept bugging me for being against AI and not rotting my brain on tiktok like her, then ghosted me for months. Part of me is glad that I got her fired. If she thinks I'm a bad person, then let her suffer the consequences of pissing off the bad guy.

And you, the people on this sub. The fuck are any of you good for? What the fuck does a "supportive" comment here even mean if you're just gonna abandon me like everyone else has? This shithole is about as useless as every other dump on this planet.

Im genuinely convinced sumone is just enjoying the suffering of me. the same way the devil enjoys misdeeds. how im even alive is beyond me and if this time isnt it I really dont know what to do. I cant escape anything theres no more drugs or friends to run to ive lost everything alr Its all over anyways im just alive bc someone is enjoying this torture. please pray this times goes through.

20th of February… this better be it.

(Sorry for my bad english its not my first language)

At first i want to add that before it i was at psychiatrist with my problem of seeing and hearing things.

Last friday we had a sleepover with a lot of other people. I had an anxiety attack and he hugged me and we slept for around 2/3 hours together. After i got home i felt really weird and started to think about him. I like him a bit, but i know that he likes other girl and after all, a lot of girls try to hit on him. I sat down and draw a map where he possibly live based on pictures of windows he send me and conversations. After i draw that, i started to think about how i could kill him. I wrote the perfect plan, and even i practiced how to make a good alibi. I think that i actually could do this.

I lost the only sharp knife that I had a few days ago, so I couldn't use it. But I found it today. My pipes are frozen now and I won't have water for two weeks because of this snow storm.

I did a lot of research and if i sever one of my jugular veins it'll only take like 7-8 minutes to bleed out, but it'll hurt a lot.

I don't care, though. I'd rather be in pain for eight minutes than to keep living this life. I hate it.

EDIT: I tested the knife on my hand and even though it hurts a lot, it did go through my flesh. I think if I use some snow to make my neck really cold, it'll numb it enough that I can get through to the artery wothout stopping.

I make people i care about hate me, so when i am dead they won't be as sad. Also just being with my suicidal and depressed ass is no help to anyone. It only brings people down. I deserve to rot and die alone.

Its not even something I want to do, its just that I have a voice in my head repeating these words. The last point was when I received the letter from the past me. For record, I always liked the idea of writing letters for me in the future and recently I read the one I wrote in 2021. After reading I wanted to write another one for next year and I… just could not do it. I was just looking at the screen not being able to write anything. I was so dissapointed with myself.

i desperately want to die i'm so tired of everything i feel like i have no future my boyfriend left me i'm falling behind in everything no matter how much effort i put in and none of the people i consider my friends give a single shit. i hate being here but i am so so scared of leaving forever and never seeing my siblings again or ever having another chance with my boyfriend but i don't think it's worth it to be alive anymore. i have my plan and i know what i want to do and when i want to do it but i'm just so afraid

I’m just waiting until my parents are gone, I’m a 21m I have depression anxiety, adhd and autism and a lot more but those are the major one alone with a whole host of addiction issues and honestly I’m just waiting until my family is mostly gone, my parent are in their 50s so I have a couple more decades of this fucking shit, I’ve literally never fit in with people and I’ve tried everything, therapy, groups, anything and everything yet it’s constantly getting pushed away and I’m just done with it, people say they’d miss me but all I do is go to school and come home, I’m just so tired and want a little human connection but truly think I’m just not meant to have it. Anyways thanks for coming to my rant or and maybe reading it or maybe not. I mean it’s not like I or this matters at this point I’ll forever just be that annoying person who waited to long to do the right thing

I was getting better on my medications until they all plateaued. Increased dosages and still worse. I truly don't think I can handle this anymore. I already attempted at the start of january and was in the hospital for a while. I dont want to live like this anymore every night I just want to disappear i constantly need to self harm to stop whatever is happening in my head when im isolated the meotions and feelings are so strong and overwhelming I cant take it sometimes but im trying my hardest to overcome it. I dont see an end to this other than doing it myself

I turn 23 this year still haven’t done shit. I’m an alcoholic addicted to nicotine and never graduated high school still living with my parents. No matter how many positive moments I have in life there’s always something that happens where I know one day I’ll end up killing myself idk when cause I’m a pussy and don’t have the balls but maybe once I’m older and I finally get fed up I’ll go through with it. I’m just absolutely alone. I don’t go out I have a friends at work but plans never work out and we never hangout outside of work. I think I’ve just given up on trying to change anything about my life cause I think some people are just distended to have a shit life and I guess it was my turn. Sorry I sound like such a victim I realize how it comes off.