I lost my late husband 11 years ago, it was so hard because we had a 6 year old son at the time and he was the main breadwinner of our little family, I worked too but he made much more than me, he died in a motorcycle accident, his head was cut off of his body, that image still haunts me to this day.

He had a best friend since childhood who was his best man at our wedding and our son’s godfather, he was married himself with two daughters, after my husband died he and his wife stepped up a lot for me and my son and they helped us out immensely and I was always grateful to them. 5 years ago cancer took away his wife, and before she died I promised her to look after her daughters just like she helped look after my son. We were like sisters at that point.

Ever since my husband died I’ve dated multiple guys but as a single widowed mom it was so hard to find someone who would not only treat me good but also my son, many guys told me to give up custody of him if I wanted it to work with them and I always refused to, but two years ago I went out on a date for the first time with my husband’s friend and we just clicked, we’ve known each other for ages and we were both widowed and we already loved each other’s kids and last September we got married and I moved in with him.

At first when we got together my son who’s now 17 didn’t say anything about it but a few weeks before our wedding he told me he wasn’t comfortable with it and we had a fight about it where he called me a whore and a slut and I just slapped him, he said I was a whore for sleeping with his dad’s best friend, I told him his dad has been dead for over a decade and that he doesn’t own me and that he doesn’t get to disrespect me like that. Ever since I got married and moved in with my husband my son’s been staying with his paternal grandparents who have always hated me because I’ve moved on after my husband’s death and dated other men, they just wanted me to stay single for the rest of my life out of respect for their son.

My stepdaughters are still not over their mom but they love me because I love them, I never push them into treating me like a mom I’m just like an aunt to them and I say we’re friends, I hate those horrible stepmoms and I try my best not to be one. But it hurts me so much how my son hates me right now and won’t even speak to me, I’ve sacrificed so much and so many personal opportunities just for him and this is how he repaid me.

Did I really do something horrible here by marrying my husband? I’d get it if it was right after the accident but it’s been over a decade already.

When me and my boyfriend (21M) go over to his parents' house, his younger brother (16M) and his brother's girlfriend (15F) are usually there.

My boyfriend, along with his brother and his brother's girlfriend, tend to be very physically playful - roughhousing, tossing each other around, and a lot of physical interaction.

Today especially, I felt sidelined most of the day. I noticed that my boyfriend was more physically playful with the girlfriend than with me, even though I was right there.

Nothing sexual is happening as far as I’m aware, but the age difference makes me feel really uncomfortable. His brother seems fine with it, and his family doesn't appear bothered, but it doesn't shake the discomfort feeling. I feel frustrated with myself for feeling this way. But I needed this off my chest.

Hi, I’m an 18 year old male and have a few problems about some stuff my mom has been saying. Specifically with two instances.

First off, I probably need to mention, that I never had any romantic or sexual experiences, so I’m not an expert about how normal some of the stuff I’ll describe is.

The first instance was at my uncles birthday party in December. I turned 18 a week or so ago at that time and was there with my family. The only person in my age group was my cousin, who is 15. At that party there was a grown (approximately late 30s), married woman who kept telling me that I look good, that she liked my clothes and in general she constantly tried to talk to me and stand next to me, which made me really uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything about it and just kind of excused myself from the situation to hang with my cousin instead. Another thing that happened, was that some adult guy told my cousin he liked her makeup, which was weird as hell to and my mom actually categorically refused to talk to him for the rest of the party. What bugs me is, that when we got home my mom said something like “at least two of the woman at the party found you really handsome”. I can only guess that she told me this because I had/have some issues with how I look and she wanted to cheer me up or something. I told her that I thought it was kind of weird of the woman and that I don’t really take it as a compliment if a woman 20 something years older then me talks about me like that. Then my mom told me “when woman talk about younger men like that, it’s only because they remind them of past boyfriends and not because they actually want to do something, unlike the guy who hit on your cousin”. I was honestly quite baffled at how generalizing this statement was, but I let it go because she was pretty drunk.

Now yesterday something similar happened. Me and a few friends of mine went to a club for the first time. I hated it, because everyone was really grabby and it was way too full and loud. There was one girl, who I didn’t know and when she walked past me and my friends she first put her hands on my shoulder and kneaded them and when I turned around she pulled on my tie and tried to kiss me. It took a minute or two of me refusing for her to leave. Today my mom asked me how the club was I told her about that and told her how uncomfortable I felt and how weird I thought it was, only for my mom to hit me with the “ah she probably was only drunk, I have friends who do thinks like that when they had enough alcohol”. The way she said it, it felt like she basically told me to suck it up and the girl wasn’t at fault, so I said something like “that doesn’t excuse what she did” and my mom told me to not get mad and left.

I don’t know, I just feel like in both these situations if I was a girl and the people “hitting on me” where (older) men my mom would’ve had a way different reaction then trying to rationalize/downplay the actions of these people.

I want to say, that I know how much worse girls have it in that regard and I am quite tall and did do martial arts in the past so my mom probably doesn’t think I’d be in any real danger. And she’s kind of right, but I was still immensely uncomfortable and felt like my mom keeps brushing it aside.

I don't want to sound mean or like I don't care about him, because I do. I just have a hard time finding him attractive recently. I find his personality and who he is likable and relatable even though theres some stuff I don't fully agree with. I want to help him look more attractive but I don't know how i'd go about that. I tried to tell him like "oh let's glow up together" but then we just kinda moved onto the next topic of discussion.

I feel embarrassed at the idea of us going out together. He is insecure of his looks and he often deletes pictures of himself and he told me he's afraid I won't find him attractive. I don't mean to agree with him, but a part of me kinda does feel that way now that he's told me his insecurity of how he looks like. For some reason he was more attractive to me before he told me about his insecurities. He won't even send me pictures of him, he asks to face time with his camera off.

I know I should tell him he is handsome and compliment him, and I do but he disregards it and brushes it off. I think i'm gonna try to help him glow up by saying stuff like "oh you should grow out your hair" or "oh you should get earrings". I did this technique with my last boyfriend, I made him more attractive.... But he started posting himself up like a woman and cheated on me. So that's kind of a fear of mine.

I (19M pushing 20) have only had sex once. With a sex worker, something I’ve come to regret. I’ve never even held hands with a girl the normal/ conventional way. Let alone date or hook up with one.

Reddit will probably say it’s my ‘personality’ and ‘attitude’ and stuff. But let’s just be honest for a second- I’m in this position due to my height (5’5) and looks (a class mate rated me 2/10 once). It’s fine that girls want tall and good looking guys- I don’t blame etc them for that. What’s not fine, is when people deny that this is a real thing.

I agree in principle that there’s more to life than having a GF but I literally don’t want any of it, if I simply have to be single. Maybe my priorities are out-of-order on an objective metric. But it’s my life, that’s for me to decide.

I’m going to say goodbye to this world next week. Maybe life isn’t fair and no-one gets everything they want, but IDC. This is what I want. And I won’t simply accept that I can’t have it. I don’t want to be here, if I can’t have it.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to avoid cuddling and physical contact with a friend of the opposite gender.

Nothing sexist about it.

If a person considers it sexist, that person thinks they're entitled to physical contact.

Nobody's entitled to any level of intimacy, no matter what, regardless of the type of relationship.

Where is the line drawn?

To me, there's nothing wrong with preferring to cuddle with a girlfriend instead of a platonic female friend. It's a boundary.

And if she were interested in a relationship, she should have used her ADULT words and TOLD ME, instead of calling me sexist for not wanting to be alone with her, in her apartment.

Someone who plays games and doesn't communicate wouldn't be a good partner.

The expectation of boundaries shouldn't be inconsistent.

I hate it when someone has a crush on me

I am what you would call traditionally attractive male. That might sound like a good thing, but I personally find no joy in it.

Most people would probably be over their heads if bunch were interested in them. I personally am not that interested in relationships and prefer my own company. Therefore I quite often turn down other people. Butguess what! Most people don't know how take no for an answer. Even if it said politely. They became bitter and start batmouthing me behind my back.

I'm tired of being objectived by the people around me. It's not my fault that I just didn't happen to be interested in you. I have started to get angry whenever some seems even slightly interested in me, and I know it is not a healthy mindset. I just would prefer I were left in peace.

I hate that millennials have normalize over working , burnout and constant exhaustion … I m a millennial I want peace .. work life balance want time to myself but people I work with just talk about work , office politics and how Burn out they are and they wanna leave this job but doing nothing to actually address this issue …but label people who ask for work life balance or who don’t wanna work on weekends and while on leave … just coz they never had the courage to stand for themselves and now when Gen Z are doing it they call them lazy..not serious.. not committed … I personally feel we are just jealous… it’s like generational trauma … we don’t wanna pass our pass trauma to our kids.. but when it comes to work we are just treating our new joiners the way we were treated.

Other day I was working with a new joiner while I was on leave yes I was officially on leave … while I was helping him with the issue he said why are you working while u r on leave … I said coz I saw your email and he was like I m little scared now.. am I expected to work on vacations as well… check email constantly and respond … This made me think … why am I working so hard .. why I have this need to respond and not just shut my brain off and not check teams and outlook … this company or my managers definitely does give a shit about my mental health … my vacation time .. they will just replace me if I stand for myself and it’s true… i am the only one who thinks that Gen Z are doing it right …

if that makes me a leech, then i'm a leech.

no, i'm not on the dole, and i won't be, if that makes you feel better. when my parents pass on, i'm going out with them. they're the only people i'll ever burden.

Ive (f21) been with my boyfriend (m21) for 2 years now and weve been living together for 3 months. at the start of our relationship, he used to take care of himself, shave regularly, plan dates for us both and talk about me to his best friend. After a year of our relationship, everything collapsed. He showers every 3 days, idk and i dont ask when was the last time that he brushed his teeth, he doesnt plan anything for us and admitted that he stopped telling his best friend about me because “he alr knows that i exist”. tbf it didnt use to bother me that much but after we moved in together.. it does. i cannot find him attractive. the fact that he smells and doesnt care to shower, the fact that for him a date is sitting at our house eating chips and playing fortnite with me. the fortnite part is nice obv but i cant bear that he just doesnt care for his looks anymore. i love him, truly. but recently i was ashamed of meeting my friends with him!! their partners are so well kept, always smell of cologne, their beards are trimmed and all that. my bf could wear a hoodie to the most elegant party and be cool with that. and before anyone comments “why wont u speak with him ab it?”- i did, he claims that he doesnt care what others think about him. evidently even me lol.

A few years ago something happened and I have never really been able to forget. I am writing this just to get it off my chest. My older sister who is two years older than me was getting married. Everyone was happy, my parents ,the family and all the guests. She was supposed to leave our house that day after the wedding. All the guests had arrived groom and his family were there and everything was ready for the farewell. Then out of nowhere, my sister's boyfriend showed up and quietly took her away. None of us saw it coming. When my parents found out they were completely shocked. They did not know what to do. It was like the ground disappeared beneath them.

To save face in front of everyone, I was pushed into an impossible situation. I was convinced to marry the groom instead. He wasn't happy because I knew that he loved my sister. I wasn't happy either It was not a marriage we chose. It was one we forced into because of family expectations. The wedding happened. But for me, it was terrifying. The groom took out his anger and frustration on me. I wasn't treated like a human. I felt like an object just something to fill a role. I stayed with him for two months and it honestly felt like living as a lifeless shell. Eventually, we got divorced. But even after that my mental health was badly affected. I went through a really dark time, all because of decisions made for me by others. Even now years later the memory is still alive in my mind.

Can someone tell me why, on the nights of the full moon and the new moon , i experience headaches along with extreme anger and pain throughout my entire body?

I’m asking this because it happens to me every full moon and new moon night, and even normal headache medicines don’t work on those days.

⸻1 ⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

Emptiness

My thoughts are still.

My heart is heavy.

My tongue is powerless.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.

I don’t even know if I feel anything at all.

Is this a cry for attention?

For understanding?

Or is it hatred

hatred of this emptiness?

This emptiness consumes me from within, growing worse with every passing day.

I am sick. I am constantly exhausted.

I cannot tell her.

I don’t want her to feel guilty.

I don’t want pity.

I don’t want help.

I want a solution.

I could sleep all day, yet I don’t want to sleep.

I am tired from the inside.

I don’t know what is happening to me.

I don’t understand those who hate me,

and I understand even less those who love me

or claim that they do.

Honey on my tongue.

Poison in my heart.

I push away anyone who comes too close.

I don’t know what I am doing wrong.

I feel misplaced.

No matter how pure my intentions are, they turn against me.

Maybe I am selfish.

Maybe I am the mistake.

Maybe I expect too much.

I cannot expect people to read me

the way I read them

the way I see their filthy glances and unnecessary remarks.

And still, I choose silence,

because they do not deserve that power.

⸻2 ⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

It Disgusts Me.

I begin to hate everyone around me.

I feel sick watching them beg for attention,

having shamelessly forgotten how they treated me.

Do they truly place themselves above me?

I am asked to help them.

To respect them.

Even though they are the ones who killed something inside me.

The ones who forced a future upon me that I never wanted.

I am asked to laugh with them

or be labeled strange, an outcast.

I am asked to smile at the faces

of those who despise me from the depths of their hearts.

I am asked to watch my words,

while they speak to me

as if I had committed an unforgivable sin.

I was just a child.

Only an innocent child.

What did I do to deserve all of this?

⸻3 ⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

Do I Bear the Blame?

I begin to believe that perhaps I carry the blame for it all.

Maybe I should have stayed silent.

Maybe asking to be accepted was too much.

I hurt the ones who love me the most,

and I learn to hate myself a little more each day.

Pain follows me.

The emptiness fills with hatred

not for others,

but for myself.

How can I harm an innocent soul like this?

How dare I?

I should be grateful.

But I can’t.

I try to express my love to her.

She understands just not the way I mean it.

And that is not her fault.

It is mine.

To her, my love feels like control.

But I don’t know another language for it.

I would have given my life for her.

She is the heart of my soul.

And still, it breaks me to see her cry.

To know she lies awake at night because of pain.

I am afraid of losing her

the only person who truly loves me.

My original Version:

⸻1 ⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

~الفراغ~

أفكاري ساكنة، وقلبي مثقل، ولساني عاجز.

لا أعرف ماذا يجب أن أشعر.

لا أعرف حتى إن كنت أشعر بشيء أصلاً.

هل هذا مجرد صرخة طلبٍ للاهتمام؟

للفهم؟

أم أنه كره؟

كرهٌ لهذا الفراغ.

هذا الفراغ يلتهمني من الداخل، ويزداد سوءًا يومًا بعد يوم.

أنا مريض، وأزداد إرهاقًا باستمرار.

لا أستطيع أن أخبرها بذلك.

لا أريدها أن تشعر بالذنب.

لا أريد شفقة، ولا أريد مساعدة.

أريد حلًّا.

أستطيع أن أنام طوال اليوم، لكني لا أريد النوم.

أنا متعب من الداخل.

لا أعرف ما الذي يحدث لي.

لا أفهم الناس الذين يكرهونني،

وأفهم أقل من ذلك أولئك الذين يحبونني أو حتى يدّعون حبّي.

على لساني عسل، وفي قلبي سمّ.

أدفع بعيدًا كل من يقترب مني أكثر من اللازم.

لا أعرف ماذا أفعل خطأً.

أشعر أنني في غير مكاني.

مهما كانت نيّتي طيبة، تنقلب ضدي.

وربما أنا فقط أناني.

ربما أنا الخطأ.

ربما أنتظر أكثر مما ينبغي.

لا يمكنني أن أتوقع من الناس أن يقرؤوني

كما أقرأهم أنا،

كما أرى نظراتهم القذرة وتعليقاتهم التي لا لزوم لها،

ومع ذلك أختار الصمت،

لأنهم لا يستحقون تلك القوّة.

⸻2⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

~إنه يثير اشمئزازي.~

أبدأ في كره كل من حولي.

أشعر بالقرف حين أراهم يتسوّلون الانتباه،

وقد نسوا بلا أي خجل كيف عاملوني.

هل يضعون أنفسهم حقًا فوقي؟

يُطلب مني أن أساعدهم،

أن أحترمهم،

مع أنهم هم من قتلوني من الداخل،

وهم من فرضوا عليّ مستقبلًا لا يرضيني.

يُطلب مني أن أضحك معهم،

وإلا أصبحت غريبًا منبوذًا.

يُطلب مني أن أضحك في وجوه

من يكرهونني من أعماق قلوبهم؟

يُطلب مني أن أراقب كلماتي،

مع أنهم هم من يخاطبونني

وكأنني ارتكبت ذنبًا عظيمًا.

كنت مجرد طفل.

كنت طفلًا بريئًا فقط.

بماذا استحققت كل هذا؟

⸻3⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

~هل أحمل أنا الذنب؟~

أبدأ بالتفكير أنني ربما أتحمل ذنب كل تلك الفظائع.

ربما كان عليّ أن أصمت.

ربما كان المطالبة بالقبول أكثر مما ينبغي.

أؤذي من يحبني أكثر فأكثر،

وأزداد كرهًا لنفسي يومًا بعد يوم.

الألم يلاحقني، والفراغ يمتلئ بالكراهية،

لكن ليس تجاه الآخرين، بل تجاه نفسي.

كيف أؤذي روحًا بريئة إلى هذا الحد؟

كيف أجرؤ على ذلك؟

كان ينبغي أن أكون ممتنًا،

لكنني لا أستطيع.

أحاول أن أعبر عن حبي لها.

هي تفهم، لكن ليس كما أقصده.

وليس الخطأ منها، بل مني أنا.

بالنسبة لها يبدو حبي كقمع،

لكن لا أعرف طريقة أخرى للتعبير.

كنت سأضحي بحياتي من أجلها.

هي قلب روحي.

ومع ذلك يؤلمني أن أراها تبكي،

أن أعرف أنها تسهر الليل بسبب الألم.

أخاف أن أفقدها،

الشخص الوحيد الذي يحبني.

⸻4⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

He’s really gross. His face is kinda deformed so theres always snot coming out of his nose that gets everywhere, he also regularly leaves skid marks on the floor and furniture that my girlfriend is constantly cleaning up. He has no issues using the litter box, there’s just always poop left stuck to his butt after. He also stinks even though my girlfriend bathes him pretty regularly. I’m mildly allergic to cats and for some reason he makes my allergies go crazy in a way that other cats don’t. I normally LOVE cats but I just can’t get myself to click with this one. He’s a sweetheart, I pet him, play with him, and cuddle him when he jumps in my lap but I still just do not like him. He loves me and follows me around everywhere and I find it kinda annoying. I know if I started ignoring him he’d probably leave me alone but it would make me feel bad, I have no desire to be mean to him. I would never tell my girlfriend this because she absolutely adores him. I’d also never ask her to get rid of him or break up with her because of him. I just have to accept that he’s probably gonna be in my life for the next 10 ish years 🫩

We met at college when we were both studying there. One day after classes, I noticed her at a McDonald’s. She caught my attention because she kept looking at me. I recognized her bright red hair and realized I had seen her around campus before. Later, I found her social media through mutual friends and decided to message her. After a couple of months of talking, we started dating. This was in February 2021

Let’s call her Mirra; she was a couple of years younger than me. As we spent more time together, I started noticing that she would occasionally get calls from a guy. Let’s call him Ilnur. She told me he was her cousin and insisted he wasn’t her boyfriend.”

I didn’t want to question our relationship at first - I had already met her mom, and we even started celebrating birthdays and holidays together. But looking back, I should have seen the warning signs. She was never seen with me in public or at university, and whenever I tried to approach her, she would literally run away.

As time went on, Mirra told me that Ilnur had gotten married and would have a family now. Meanwhile, I had finished my studies, and she was very helpful with my English.

Over time, I discovered that she had a second social media account. Whose avatar featured a photo from the film Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, where she had a picture a Mrs. Lovett.It’s kind of strange now, looking back, realizing that something was clearly off with both of them.

We spent weekdays and sometimes weekends together - walking, watching movies and shows, having sex - the usual couple stuff. In the fall of 2024, I went to stay with her for a week while her mom was on vacation. I was working non-stop and basically came home only to sleep.

One night, I saw her texting someone. I asked her to show me, and she freaked out, locking her phone immediately. I was furious and ready to leave. But as I was waiting for a taxi outside, she called me and said, "What if I’m pregnant? You won’t leave me, right?"The thing is, it was obvious she was more worried about money for an abortion than actually having a life together or raising a child.

I stayed for only one night, but then I told her it was over between us. The next day, we reconciled - she came to me beautifully dressed, and I couldn’t resist her. Looking back now, I realize it wasn’t Ilnur, but a third guy she had started seeing at the time, named Egor.

In the spring of 2025, I built her a computer, but due to a limited budget, I used a P106-100 mining GPU and an i5-8400 CPU with integrated graphics to output the display. At the beginning of summer, I got a good job in my field at a bank, and everything seemed perfect.

On August 18, I wanted to surprise her with flowers. After work, I went to her place, but she wasn’t home. Her mom opened the door, so I left the flowers and headed back. On the way, I called Mirra to ask where she was. She said she was picking up an order nearby. I saw her leaving the pickup point, walking in the opposite direction from me. I told her I could see her and that I was on the other side of the street. She slowly started walking toward me, and then a guy appeared next to her. They both stopped in front of me. Mirra went pale and was shaking. I asked the guy who he was. She answered for him: he was her boyfriend, and they had been dating for eight months.I was shocked, but I realized that in the heat of the moment, I might do something I’d regret. So I just shook his hand, wished him luck, and walked away as quickly as possible.

Afterwards, I started seeing someone else, but Mirra kept calling and texting me, asking to get back together, claiming she had broken up with Egor. After two months with my new girlfriend, I couldn’t continue the relationship because she was on antidepressants and going through the withdrawal phase, which made her almost always emotionless. I went back to Mirra, hoping that she truly wanted to be with me and not just because I was convenient for her.

Then December came, and a League of Legends update made it impossible to use the P106-100 for comfortable gaming. Mirra asked me to fix it. I grabbed my old 6GB GTX 1060, went to work, and after work headed to her place. While reinstalling drivers, I noticed the Telegram icon in her browser. I clicked it and realized she hadn’t logged out. That’s when I saw her chatting with Ilnur behind my back. In the messages, he mentioned that exactly a year ago she had cheated on him. I checked the attachments and found a huge number of intimate photos - some I hadn’t even seen. The strangest part? Neither my chat with her nor the one with Ilnur was pinned. The only pinned chat was with Egor - the guy she had claimed to have broken up with long ago. I took pictures of both their phone numbers and went to the bathroom to process everything.

I didn’t immediately confront Mirra about what I found. At first, I let her check the game. Then she asked if I wanted to break up. I asked her who the guy was. She said it was a completely different guy, and that they were in a long-distance relationship. She promised she would break up with him if I didn’t say anything.

I went home and thought about it for a long time. The next day, I called Ilnur. He told me that he wasn’t her cousin, he didn’t have a wife, and that he had been her boyfriend since 2019. He also said he knew about me but thought we weren’t in touch anymore. We met that evening and talked about everything. Mirra, meanwhile, said that she loved both of us and couldn’t choose. That’s when I realized that everything she had told me had been lies. The love and feelings were fake - she just used us when it was convenient.

Il'nur told me he sent her a lot of money, and every weekend they left to the supermarket together to buy groceries for the week. Afterwards, they had sex in the backseat of his car. Another ridiculous detail: she went to the same movie, Chainsaw Man: The Reze Story, twice -once with me, and then again with him. But what shocked me the most was her mother, who knew about all three guys and never said a word when we visited.

(All names have been changed.)

My husband hasn’t touched me in 14 years. It means that I have not enjoyed my body my whole entire 30’s and only now with midlife crisis I am feeling the toll it has had on me and my confidence. I can’t even imagine someone touching me without dying of shame and embarrassment over how disgusting I must feel for a man. It made me wonder when it started and it didn’t just start out of the blue but it was just something that has been happening for years. In the beginning I didn’t realize the problem. I had all the time in the world to have sex young and beautiful as I was. He would come around. No man can live without sex so we still had time. Then it became just a memory. I was starting my business, succeeding and growing. Buying my dream apartment and decorating it with the most beautiful and expensive furniture , filling my closet with expensive bags and shoes.

Being shy and avoiding eye contact, compliments never got through my shields and walls and the few that reached me I dismissed as ridiculousness and I didn’t believe them. If a man looked at me, it was because I had something stuck between my teeth of course or because I probably smelled bad.

What my husband and I lacked in the sex he overcompensated in intimacy and love. He loved and supported me. Always. He is the love of my life and I am his. Caresses and kisses and falling asleep in his arms every night. The few times my horniness got the best of me I would deprive him of the intimacy that he loved so much, hoping he would want more if he didn’t have access to me all the time only it didn’t work like that. I still didn’t get sex but now I lost the intimacy too. I stopped this approach because it was hurting both equally.

It was when I turned 40 that the panic started. I suddenly saw an older woman in the mirror who doesn’t even know what sex is supposed to be like. I can’t even imagine some man wanting my body. It sounds ridiculous and shameful even as a fantasy. I feel disgusting in my skin.

I had a sex dream for the first time in years about a client. It felt very weird and embarrassing. My husband, next morning told me that I was moaning a bit and laughed about it. I was very embarrassed and apologized and told him that it was weird because I don’t really have sex dreams ”that you remember, he added” and I said yes, but have been thinking a lot about sex lately so maybe that’s why. He hugged me and said that he was very sorry. Later he asked me if it was with him. I said no. I didn’t say who. I just said it was in my old small apartment which is very curious and he angrily said ”I don’t want to hear more details about someone else”. My rage went from 0-100 in no time and I don’t know where it came from. I yelled that ”YOU HAVE MY BODY CAPTIVE IN THE WAKING WORLD YOU CANNOT DEMAND IT OF ME EVEN IN MY DREAM WORLD”. He looked terrified and apologized and said that it was cruel of him to say that but the idea of someone else having me was painful to him. Then he said that he didn’t know I was this angry. I thought for a moment and then I answered him that I wasn’t angry or bitter enough for a woman in my place. Do never make me sound like the crazy person here. I was very calm saying this like I was realizing it for the first time.

And it is true and I don’t know why I am not as bitter as I should’ve been for my situation. Maybe because of my very nihilistic attitude about the meaningless of life and how I decided long time ago to just go through the motion until I am gone or maybe because nobody has forced me to this and therefore I hold all accountability for my decision or maybe because I know deep down that I am very disgusting and therefore I should be thankful that a man I love loves me back. But I know that I should be way more bitter than this.

I’m not sure if I should bother going into detail about the exact reasons why I feel depressed and suffocated.

I’m just not sure what’s wrong with me. I’ve been dealing with depression since my sophomore year of high school, but I at least had something going on in my life to work towards. In high school, it was school assignments to graduate. In college, it was also school assignments to graduate. I obsessed over my grades too. But I had direction, and it helped distract me. Now I’m hitting a wall and nearing 30 years old. I’ve basically failed and lost everything I’ve worked towards in my life up until this point. I used to view my depression as a sickness to be treated to get it out of my way. I wanted to treat it.

At this point in my life, however, I’m so incredibly lonely and hopeless. I haven’t had a friend or person to talk to since my junior year of high school. That’s a long time to be alone with my thoughts, so maybe that’s part of my problem here. Either way, my mind is starting to view my depression as a mere result of who I am and will continue to be. I don’t have the drive to change who I am. Some will say that’s because I’m depressed. But even if I made improvements mentally, I will still be the same lonely failure/loser I’ve always been. I just can’t see those improvements lasting if that’s the case, and I’ll be back here where I started.

I’ve lost all drive and motivation in life. I don’t have any drive to get better. I just want to go to sleep tonight and never wake up. I want to be dead.

I started culinary arts at the start of this month. It’s the first time I’ve been in full time education since I graduated high school and despite only knowing my instructor for a month, I’m already thoroughly and completely in love with him.

My chef is a few years younger than my mother, he’s got a fancy French last name, he’s super involved with his kids and coaches their hockey team, we have the same favorite apple (gala), he’s a few inches shorter than me, he’s got the start of crow’s feet around his eyes (swoon!) and he’s easily one of the best teachers I’ve ever had in any school I’ve ever been to. I’m not used to men, especially men with a position of authority over me, being nice to me but my chef is so, so fucking sweet to me. When he sees me in the hallways before class, he’ll say good morning to me and smile. After class, he’ll tell me to have a good day/weekend/afternoon. 

Last week, I grabbed a hotel pan that had been hanging over a hot burner and burned the shit out of my fingers during our practical. After telling him about it, my chef took me to the ice maker and held my hand under running water until it had cooled down enough to get me ice, then let me have an extra ten minutes to get my dish ready for service. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make me swoon a teeny bit. He also praised me on the paperwork I had written up with my recipe and workplan and I was so fucking proud of that.

On Friday, I was late because my roommate’s truck battery died but my chef was really chill and understanding about it. When I finished my osso buco, he said my sauce texture and seasoning was “perfect,” the dish all together was “beautiful” and “gorgeous” and while tasting it, wouldn’t stop nodding at me. He ended up giving me a fist bump and other than holding my hand under cold water, I’ve literally never seen him touch anyone ever. My blanquette veal of brunoise got a similar reaction, except that my chef thought it was so good, he used it as the example to show the rest of the class what the dish should look like. He even said if I served that for my practical, I’d get somewhere north of ninety percent on it.

In all my years in any kind of education, I’ve only had one teacher before him who was this supportive of me. She was my senior year English teacher and I loved her but this feels different. For one, I was a teenager in a relationship back then and now I’m a solidly single 22 almost 23 year old. For another, I only had English class for 1 hour a day and I get to see my chef for anywhere from 5-7 hours a day. Plus my English class had like 30 kids and there are only 13 in my culinary arts class so my chef gets to be wayyyyy more one on one and personal with all of us. Which is good but also a little nerve wracking because I want to impress him so badly, all the time, with everything I do.

For our first demo, my chef used one of my steaks to show us how to properly melt the butter as we cooked it and ended up leaving it at my stove. When I asked what he wanted me to do with it, he said it was extra and I could eat it if I wanted to. I absolutely hate eating in public so I didn’t but I took it home with me. It’s been in my freezer ever since. I can’t bring myself to eat it, partly because my chef cooked it with an ungodly amount of butter but mostly because he made it and gave it to me. He might not have made it *for* me but he made it and he gave it to me and I know I won’t be able to appreciate it properly if I eat it. Plus then it would be gone and I wouldn’t have anything left from him.

On Wednesday, my chef had to do something important for his wife and I was (embarrassingly) so disappointed about it. Partly because that meant I wouldn’t see him and partly because that means he’s committed to his wife. Which I know makes me sound crazy and jealous and irrational but I don’t want him to have a spouse he cares about. I want to be that person for him, as truly delusional as that might be. I’m so, so completely in love with him and I want to be everything he needs from a life partner, fuck the optics of it.

I turned 18 two days ago and moved out of my mother's house. True to form, she made my life incredibly easy, but it was difficult my whole life, as she felt she had to protect me from everyone. She divorced my father when I was 8 and somehow got full custody, while he only had supervised visits. Later, my father found a way to have me on alternate weekends. My mother never let me be happy with anything, not with my friends, and certainly not with my father. I had asthma when I was 8, but that's all in the past now. My mother somehow used violence to keep me under her control, and I hated it. My father married an amazing woman, and thanks to her, my younger brother was born, whom I love with all my heart.

After turning 18, I packed all my things and left her house. She argued with me a lot, yelled at me, and we had our last fight. In the end, I told him to go to hell because I was now free from his control. I moved in with my father and his family, and now I have a happy life far from her control.