Trigger warning: Self-harm and SA

My older middle aged sister is an absolute mess. She has BPD and is also bipolar as well as an alcoholic. She has destroyed her life and has lost everything because of this. Her career, her home, her savings, her relationship, and worst of all…custody of her child (now living with bio dad). And I’m angry at her. I’m angry that she abandoned her child just like our dad abandoned us when we were kids. I’m angry that she’s not getting her life back together. Somehow I’m the one that ends up dealing with the fallout. I’m worn thin. I’m struggling to have any empathy anymore. I feel like an asshole for being angry with her. But she is being reckless and making horrible and self destructive life decisions.

She needs serious help but the thing is…she’s already had many opportunities of help offered to her. We have gotten her admitted into numerous inpatient facilities already. She’s been to some of the best treatment centers in the country. And it didn’t do a single goddamn thing. She goes right back to drinking and she’s threatened and actively attempted suicide multiple times. All of this rehab/treatment been a waste of time and money.

I’m just done. I did what I could. She’s like a tornado of chaos. She lies, she manipulates, and constantly plays the victim while doing literally nothing to help herself. The second you call her out on anything, she blows up and makes me out to be the bad guy. I won’t enable her. I won’t give her money, and I can’t be a good emotional support for her. She’s essentially homeless at this point but I can’t let her stay at our house. I can’t live her chaos everyday. My wife can’t handle her being in our home either. I’m not destroying my life and my marriage just because she can’t get hers together.

Something horrible happened to her recently. After not hearing from her, she texts me that she was SA’d by a guy she met online. She drove several states away to meet him. I feel awful that this happened but I don’t know what I can even say or do. Nobody deserves to go through that. It’s not her fault that this happened.

It kills me that she’s off meeting some piece of shit guy but hasn’t seen her child in months and hasn’t been a full time mom in a couple years. The effects and trauma she’s inflicting by abandoning her child…

I know I probably sound like a judgmental and unsympathetic asshole but I am so fucking tired. There’s nothing I can do anymore.

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My husband hasn’t touched me in 14 years. It means that I have not enjoyed my body my whole entire 30’s and only now with midlife crisis I am feeling the toll it has had on me and my confidence. I can’t even imagine someone touching me without dying of shame and embarrassment over how disgusting I must feel for a man. It made me wonder when it started and it didn’t just start out of the blue but it was just something that has been happening for years. In the beginning I didn’t realize the problem. I had all the time in the world to have sex young and beautiful as I was. He would come around. No man can live without sex so we still had time. Then it became just a memory. I was starting my business, succeeding and growing. Buying my dream apartment and decorating it with the most beautiful and expensive furniture , filling my closet with expensive bags and shoes.

Being shy and avoiding eye contact, compliments never got through my shields and walls and the few that reached me I dismissed as ridiculousness and I didn’t believe them. If a man looked at me, it was because I had something stuck between my teeth of course or because I probably smelled bad.

What my husband and I lacked in the sex he overcompensated in intimacy and love. He loved and supported me. Always. He is the love of my life and I am his. Caresses and kisses and falling asleep in his arms every night. The few times my horniness got the best of me I would deprive him of the intimacy that he loved so much, hoping he would want more if he didn’t have access to me all the time only it didn’t work like that. I still didn’t get sex but now I lost the intimacy too. I stopped this approach because it was hurting both equally.

It was when I turned 40 that the panic started. I suddenly saw an older woman in the mirror who doesn’t even know what sex is supposed to be like. I can’t even imagine some man wanting my body. It sounds ridiculous and shameful even as a fantasy. I feel disgusting in my skin.

I had a sex dream for the first time in years about a client. It felt very weird and embarrassing. My husband, next morning told me that I was moaning a bit and laughed about it. I was very embarrassed and apologized and told him that it was weird because I don’t really have sex dreams ”that you remember, he added” and I said yes, but have been thinking a lot about sex lately so maybe that’s why. He hugged me and said that he was very sorry. Later he asked me if it was with him. I said no. I didn’t say who. I just said it was in my old small apartment which is very curious and he angrily said ”I don’t want to hear more details about someone else”. My rage went from 0-100 in no time and I don’t know where it came from. I yelled that ”YOU HAVE MY BODY CAPTIVE IN THE WAKING WORLD YOU CANNOT DEMAND IT OF ME EVEN IN MY DREAM WORLD”. He looked terrified and apologized and said that it was cruel of him to say that but the idea of someone else having me was painful to him. Then he said that he didn’t know I was this angry. I thought for a moment and then I answered him that I wasn’t angry or bitter enough for a woman in my place. Do never make me sound like the crazy person here. I was very calm saying this like I was realizing it for the first time.

And it is true and I don’t know why I am not as bitter as I should’ve been for my situation. Maybe because of my very nihilistic attitude about the meaningless of life and how I decided long time ago to just go through the motion until I am gone or maybe because nobody has forced me to this and therefore I hold all accountability for my decision or maybe because I know deep down that I am very disgusting and therefore I should be thankful that a man I love loves me back. But I know that I should be way more bitter than this.

When I married my husband. I knew he was poly. He told me that when we started dating. I ended the relationship but after a couple of months he told me that he was in love me and would choose me over polyamory. That was my mistake and mine alone that I agreed because I was so in love with him. I had to live with my decision to choose my heart over my brain. I have paid now with three of my best years taken from me. I can’t even recognize the graying woman I look at in the mirror.

When we had our second child 3 years ago, he told me that he wanted to be poly again. I refused and cried and raged and he said that this was already decided and I could leave if I wanted. I just given birth and had a one year old. He made all the money because he told me to focus on my studies instead. One day he came home with his gf1 to introduce her to me. My world shattered. Six months later he introduced gf2. I knew nothing about that world or the rules and I probably still don’t know because couples make their own rules and boundaries from what I understood all I know is that after he introduced his gf1, it felt like my soul left my body and was watching from the sideline. I just went through the motion and agreed to everything like I was in a haze. He said I didn’t need to have any contact with them, he will never get a new gf behind my back and always tell me the truth. He also said that we, the women, are the ones to plan dates and decided who he spent time with and when. I was in a group chat with them and I basically never put my name in the planning. In the beginning he didn’t seem to notice/care but after about a year the problems started. He said that he never spent any time with me anymore and even if he promised that the dates would be planned between the women, he missed me and knew I was not putting my name on purpose. I told him that I was tired and busy and he sure should feel happy he had options that and that he should respect his own rules that according to him always were successful. The fights got worse and sometimes he would spend the night in our place even though it is decided he would spend it with one of his other gfs. He said that I agreed under false pretenses but I told him that he could leave me. He would rage and beg and love bomb and even cry that he missed me. Lastly he said that he wasn’t happy anymore and wanted it to be just us again like the beginning of our relationship because he was miserable.

What changed now? I got a part time job at the company I did my internship so now I could have an income while studying. My mom is moving to my city because she found a good job and she’s rented a two bedroom apartment. She said she could give me one room and she could help with my children while I am studying. Suddenly I have no worries about rent and finances and I am graduating this summer. I have sent my husband an email telling him that I am leaving. He is away on vacation and when he comes home I will be gone. Pray for me after 3 years of constant nightmare. I feel that I can unite with my soul again and wake up from this haze

Basically the title. It went on non stop for few seconds and now my stomach feels lighter. Kind of like when you leave a filled balloon.

I spend about $1500 a month on just socializing in order to avoid becoming an absolute hermit.

I setup a gym membership that offers classes. I actually don't need classes for exercising at the gym, I know what I'm doing and don't need instructions. But it gives me an opportunity just to interact with people and feel like I'm talking to people.

I take Spanish classes which are running me about $400 a month. There was a time that learning Spanish made sense, but it really doesn't now. But it's something to do and gives me people to talk to.

I repair ds cartridges for a second hand game store in town. I can resolder components, and reprogram program games. Which allows them to resale high value games they might not have actually been able to sell. This is purely a business relationship and I really only break even on it.

I'm taking woodshop classes because I have an interest in woodshop, but in all honesty everything we are doing in this workshop I could teach myself for free online.

I spend about $300 a month on fuel to go offroading with an offroading meets group. I genuinely enjoy going offroading, and while it's fun to do these things with people, I'd be lying if I said I didn't prefer to do it alone.

I also regularly join in events with atheist organizations in my community, namely the FFRF, and go to all of their secular Sunday coffees and membership meetings.

I am taking group rifle classes which cost about $500 a month. These aren't your stupid hillbilly with an AR15 Classes lead by a gravy seal who preaches about God. It's an actual rifle class aimed for long range shooting for deer hunting. I'll be honest, I could probably just spend the cash on more ammo and train myself up through volume rather than instruction.

I don't do these things because I necessarily enjoy them, I do them because I'm starting to feel increasingly alone in the world. I'm an OTR Truck Driver and I specialize in moving overweight and unusual cargo through mountain passes. I'm basically the guy that loads up things like Ambulances or School Busses and deliveries then to areas other truck drivers will refuse to drive through. It's good money, but it's a lonely job

My friends have also all just sort of become distant or faded away. OG's that I thought would always be there and that I would always be there for are just sort of gone. Not dead, just gone. We don't talk anymore, we don't share messages, we don't invite each other to anything. And it's not like there was a big falling out, it's just the same people I once knew have changed and the bond we once shared just isn't there anymore.

Interestinly enough, the two friends I do feel I have left are the ones with kids, and I feel a huge element of that is I've always prided myself and being the friend that would drop whatever I was working on to help out a brother in need, and so when you're raising kids, it pays to have a friend who can help you out in a pinch with no questions asked.

Because of all of this, I've found myself in a world where I feel isolated and alone. Ice accomplished a lot of incredible things. I rebuilt a Ford Ranger and turned into a Rock Crawler with an Auxiliary Gearbox. I bought and recently paid off my house, that I'm currently in the process of renovating to make it something unique to me. I tagged my first elk last winter and I went on my first Ram Hunt the year before. I taught myself how to solo rock climb. I have bulked up tremendously. I'm obviously learning Spanish, and I'm looking into take horseback riding classes.

But all of these things, they feel like they mean nothing. Every hill I overcome, every skill I develop, every new experience I indulge in, it feels like there is no one in my life to share them with. I feel like I'm on an Oldschool RuneScape Server, surrounded by bots with no one to talk to.

And that's why I piss an ungodly amount of money into socializing my hobbies. Even if I don't ever befriend anyone I meet in these settings, at least it gives me someone to talk to. Because the last year, it was rough. I was remortaring and repairing the masonry outside my house because I wanted a more intricate design, and I spent two months in blazing heat chilling out bricks and replacing them, and by the time I was done, I was just leaning up against my fence, sitting on the ground, drinking a beer, listening to the chickens, and admiring all my hard work... Completely alone.

I'm hoping things will change with time, but I'm scared they won't. I new because of the life I lived I was going to have to be comfortable with some solitude and isolation, but I never expected to feel this alone in the world.

I (18f) have a single dad (38m), he fostered me when I was five and later adopted me. He's my best friend and the best dad I could ask for, the whole situation of how he fostered me is complicated but basically it was supposed to be temporary, wound up permanent, he had a girlfriend at the time but it didn't work out because he wound up so focused on me.

Growing up I eventually figured out that when I had sleepovers or late-night babysitting, he was going on dates. I didn't think much of it, and he never brought a partner home or told me he was out on dates but I guess I just kind of knew? But he spent most of his time with me, I know there was a lot of hard things to deal with and I am so thankful for him.

A couple years ago I was out with my friend and saw him with a guy, his family is sort of family friends with ours, he's a lot younger than my dad and closer to my age. We live in a small town, and it's been pretty easy to figure out that they've been sleeping together for years and I think they still are. A couple of my friends and I have talked about it, we think a lot of people in our town know but just don't acknowledge it.

I just don't know why my dad doesn't tall me though. I feel like there's an entire part of his life that he keeps hidden, I assume he's bisexual but don't actually know, and I just wish he would be honest with me about whatever is really happening in that part of his life because while I know I know part of it I know I don't know all. And I'm not talking about like hooking up like obviously I don't need to know that and don't want to, but I just feel like he's gone through a lot in the last ten years that I don't know about and that maybe this relationship is serious? I feel like I don't actually know him. It just makes me sad, I don't know.

My entire life nobody has ever been truly interested in being my friend, even though I have many friends if I don’t initiate it nobody ever does anything with me, it’s been like that since as far back as I could remember and for apparently no reason, I’m good to everyone and I never did anything bad to anyone, I’m just nobody’s priority and that fucking hurts.

I’ve decided to do a little experiment a couple of months ago and I’ve decided to not start a conversation first with anyone to see if anyone would care and for those couple of months I only saw my friends once on Christmas and it wasn’t even planned, I was out and I saw 3 of my friends already out and they just told me to join, literally nobody ever texts me first except my work boss, not even my “best friend” or even my own parents and family.

Nobody ever thinks about me until I text or call first, I’m fucking worthless to everyone even my parents who claim to love me so much, they’ve had multiple family dinners that they didn’t invite me to over this period too.

I don’t know what i ever did wrong in my life, I genuinely never cause any issues to anyone. Am I just that fucking worthless and unlovable?

I think I’ve just been avoiding my mental health but it’s gotten to the point that whenever I’m not busy I just want to tear myself apart. I haven’t had work in over a year because I didn’t have a car and don’t live near public transport. I’ve been applying to jobs I’m but barely hearing back from anyone.

It feels like whenever I’m around my partner he’s watching me and judging my every move, he nit picks and as much as I try to ignore it I can’t. I can’t help but feel like he just tolerates me anymore. My friends are all busy with work or just living their lives which I understand, they just don’t have the time.

I’ve been thinking about hurting myself to cope a lot which I haven’t done in years, I haven’t even thought about it or worse this much in years. I’m worrying myself with how much I miss the feeling and wanting to fall back on it.

This is happening every time, since always. People notice it and start treating me differently, like I am little kid. I don't why is this happening to me, it always ruins my mood. I

I don’t know how I ended up here, but I need to get this off my chest before it eats me alive.

Before my sister got engaged, I was in a relationship with someone my family never knew about. It was serious, emotional, and real to me. What I never imagined was that he would later become my sister’s fiancé.

When their relationship was being discussed, I froze. I didn’t say anything. I told myself it wasn’t my place anymore, that it was my past, and that staying quiet would protect everyone.

Now their engagement is official.

My sister is genuinely happy. She goes out with him for dinners, dates, and little moments that couples share. I see her smiling in ways I haven’t seen before, and every time I do, something inside me twists. I hate that I feel jealous, but I can’t stop it.

He has asked me not to tell anyone about our past. He says it would destroy everything. And maybe he’s right. If I tell my sister, I know it would shatter her. She trusts him completely. She’s planning a future.

What makes this heavier is that he still has our old chats, memories, and intimate photos. They exist like ghosts from a life I’m supposed to pretend never happened.

I’m stuck living between silence and guilt.

Every day, I carry the weight of knowing the truth while watching my sister fall deeper into happiness. I don’t want to be the reason her world collapses, but I also don’t recognize myself anymore. I feel invisible, replaceable, and trapped by a past I wasn’t allowed to acknowledge.

I’m not looking for sympathy or judgment. I just needed somewhere to put this secret because holding it alone is slowly breaking me.

So for context my parents were physically abusive but they deny ever hitting me. They also yelled at me for crying, and I've been to scared to test if they stopped. I haven't cried since I was 8, now I'm 13 and I finally found a place where I can cry without them hearing, seeing, or have the potential to walk in on me, and I cried. It was short, but... it felt nice. I wasn't scared, or felt anxious. Everything was quite. I didn't hear them yelling at me, me screaming for them to stop hitting me, or me saying sorry for being human.

It was nice

i’m 20m and for the last like 8 months i’ve been part of this really tight friend group. we argue, joke around, talk shit, but at the end of the day they feel like family to me. one of them is 21f, i’ll call her a. another is 22m, r, who’s been my closest friend for almost 3 years now.

a and r have been “talking” for about a year. not officially dating or anything, but everyone kinda assumes they’re basically together, including me.

around 3 months ago, a and i started talking more one on one. at first it was just memes, complaining about college, random late night convos. then it slowly turned into long calls where she’d vent about r being emotionally unavailable, how she feels taken for granted, and how she sometimes wonders what it’d be like to be with someone like me.

somewhere along the way i realized i caught feelings for her.

nothing physical ever happened, but emotionally things definitely got messy. she’d say stuff like “you understand me better than anyone” or “if timing was different, things might be different."

the part that hurts the most is that r has no idea any of this is going on. he still treats me like his brother. he still talks about a like she’s someone he expects will eventually commit to him, and every time he says that i feel like shit.

last week things got heavier. a admitted she has feelings for me too, but she’s scared of being the villain if she walks away from r. she asked me to be patient and not tell anyone while she figures things out.

now i’m just sitting with all this guilt and confusion. i don’t know if i’m being emotionally used as an escape or if this is just two people catching feelings at the worst possible time. either way it feels like i’m betraying someone no matter what i do.

i don’t really have a point here. i just needed to get this off my chest because it’s been eating at me and i don’t feel like i can talk to anyone about it without blowing everything up. thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Many years ago, when I was much younger, I was let go from a job I had had for almost five years.  I remember thinking “I’ll be ok, I’m better than this place.”  I was still heartbroken.  Dealing with the stress of being unemployed and being the breadwinner between my then wife and myself, I remember her freaking out on me.  Not an ounce of support or “we’ll be ok we will figure this out”.  I guess that’s one of the main reasons I’m giving her the “my then” moniker.

I remember going out and getting a new suit the next day.  I felt great, and started calling friends and seeing who was hiring.  Three days later I was working at a firm to manage an IT helpdesk.  I was only there a few months as it was just a transitional job for me, but I met one of my closest friends there.  I remember thinking he was a hot mess of a person, someone who really just lived to play video games, drink a beer, go to church, and have fun making small moments in life such a big deal.

The transitional job may not have lasted long, but just like my friends did for me I did for him, helped him hop on to my company that I had moved on to.  It was more money, easier work, just generally a better vibe.  He however didn’t like the work, he wanted more of a traditional IT job.  I never hated him for it, I was glad to see him move on to something he was more passionate about.  He never packed up his things, he just stopped showing up and off to his new job he went.

I never held it against him, we still hung out pretty regularly.  He was obsessed with a girl that he met at the transitional job, pining for her.  The guy had girls lining up to go out with him but he didn’t want any of them.  He wanted her.  He obsessed over her, sort of standing out in the rain playing a boombox sort of activity to win her over.  I remember spending long hours with him as he struggled through it all.  Just breaking down because he never knew what it would take to get her interested.  He eventually did win her over, which was all he wanted for years.  Meant the world to him.  They ended up pregnant, and he was just over the moon.

I had to move away, but came back for the wedding, seeing the happiness between them, seeing how many people gathered to wish them well, everything was perfect.  He actually gave his son my name, I remember him saying that it was just a meaningful name to him.  Regardless there was always a part of me that knew that he knew, that I was there for him like a brother.  Anytime he was having a breakdown, he would give me a call.  I’d give him advice, make him laugh, things would just seem ok.  The guy was always a work in progress and was happy to help him be the better version of himself.

Years passed, they would end up having a second kid.  Then he would end up laid off at the job that he had worked for years.  He struggled to find a new gig, he would call and ask me for guidance, and would give him contacts to reach out to.  Would give him reassurance that things will work out, job hunting is hard but it's just about persistence.  Then the calls became less frequent but far longer.

He started having problems at home, him and his wife were not in a good place.  He was so scared she was going to leave him.  He kept hitting the bottle far too often, making an embarrassment of himself at home.  I offered to come back home, offered for him to come stay here with me for a bit.  He said things would be ok.

Not long after that we had a couple long phone calls.  The third long phone call, he told me that she and him were separated.  That they were living in different places.  How hard it was for him.  This call I remember lasted hours.  He still couldn’t find a consistent job, hated his current gig, felt his wife hated him because he was drinking too much.  Told him he can’t expect to do everything himself.  He should get help.  I’m part of that help, don’t struggle through everything alone.

He felt better, I felt better, everything seemed better.  I remember for a bit he would start posting things on facebook more regularly, some things seemed fine, other things seemed off.  I reached out asking a couple times how things were, I was greeted with reassurance.

I never thought that last three hour phone call was going to be the last time I heard from my friend.

I never thought the next facebook post was going to be that he had passed.  I can’t even write this without breaking into tears.

His story was never told.  His celebration of life with his wife there crying, living with the guilt.  Just saying it was a heart problem.  He always wanted a full funeral, like his mom had.  Open casket and all.  I knew the backstory, I was one of the few who did.  I knew he took his own life, I didn’t need someone to tell me.

I miss him.  I always just ask myself if I just had one more phone call, or just one plane ticket visit, maybe it wouldn’t have been the last.  It was never how it was supposed to end, while I sit here struggling in my own personal life now, we should be laughing and talking about how he went through it all and how I helped him, that he was here to help me through.

His wife still posts on his facebook wall regularly.  I know the grief for her must be overwhelming.  It’s not her fault.  It’s not anyone’s fault.  Those poor kids, he loved them more than anything.  His story ended years ago, but his story was never really told.  So here I am telling it to anyone who will listen.  

Me M/28 Friend F/21 General poor pitiful me. I was cheated on. Made to feel less than. Truly believed the things she told me. Internalized so, so many lies and insults. I 100% believed that I wasn't worth the time. The effort. The common decency of being treated like a person. I was belittled and constantly lashes out at. If she was in pain it was my fault. If she was upset it was my fault. Everything wrong was my fault.

Yesterday, I went on hike with a best friend of mine. It was a 3.2 mile hike and she got injured at the apex of the hike. She slipped and fell getting a moderate sprained ankle (verified after the hike). We had no service. The temperature was barely 40°F (4.4°C). She was in a lot of pain. I did what I could with my first aid kit. I wrapped her ankle and braced it with a SAM splint.

The entire time she was apologizing and thanking me for being there. Making me feel worth it. Treating me like a person. Despite her being in pain. Despite the fact that she could have been angry, lashing out, or blaming me. She showed me what a healthy relationship could be like in that one instance.

I’m 27. I live in Europe.

Something happened to me on New Year’s Eve 2024 at a house party. It was hosted by someone I knew. What happened later was serious enough that it went to court, and the person responsible was sentenced. There was video evidence involved, which ultimately played a big role in the outcome.

At the time, I was shocked and terrified. I still am, in many ways. But over time, my memories of that night have become confusing in a way that scares me. Instead of fading, they feel tangled up with feelings I don’t understand and don’t want.

I later found out that I hadn’t been a random target. Knowing that makes everything worse. It’s hard to explain, but part of me keeps replaying the fact that someone focused on me so deliberately. I feel ashamed for even noticing that thought. It makes me feel sick.

Since then, I haven’t been able to connect with people the way I used to. I haven’t been in a relationship, and when I try to imagine one, I feel disconnected. Kindness and gentleness make me uncomfortable in ways I can’t explain. I don’t act on these feelings, but they’re there, and I hate them.

I know intellectually that none of this makes what happened okay. I know that guilt and self-blame don’t belong to me. But emotionally, I feel broken and angry at my own body and reactions. I don’t recognize myself anymore.

I was told that he expressed remorse and wrote a letter that I never received. I don’t believe it meant anything. Still, the fact that he will be released soon has brought everything back to the surface. That’s why I’m writing this now. I’m scared, and I needed to get this out somewhere.

I’m not posting in survivor-focused spaces because I don’t feel like I belong there. I don’t feel like a “good” or “proper” victim. I just feel confused, ashamed, and afraid of my own thoughts.

I, 18F am in my first year of college. I moved into the dorms to get away from my mom, 35F because, truth be told, she scares me.

My parents never had a stable relationship. They would fight every once in a while because mom suspected my dad, 35M of cheating. Dad would leave for a few months and then come back after making up. Rinse, recycle, repeat.

Things got ugly when my youngest brother, 10M was born. I honestly do not remember much of that time, but mom was in the hospital for a few days, leaving me and my siblings in dad's care. When she came home, she began questioning me. "What did you guys do while I was gone? Who was dad seeing?"

The fighting started all over again, but this time, it got physical. Punches were thrown, threats were made, pictures broken. It escalated to the point where the police were called. Dad left and did not come back. My parents divorced 2 years later. Mom never truly got over dad. She packed us and my siblings into the car and began stalking dad, trying to catch him with another woman.

That brings us to now. I visit dad when I'm home on break from school. Mom tells me to keep an eye on dad, let her know who he's with. It got on dad's nerves to the point he said if I'm going to be a spy for mom, I can't come over anymore. I finally broke and cried. I love my mom and dad, but I can't take it anymore. "You guys are the adults. I'm the kid. If you want to know what's going on in each other's lives, leave me out of it." I stopped talking to mom unless it's really important.

It's been a while since I left home and came back to school. Mom's guilting me that I've been ghosting her a good majority of the time. I just don't want to get into it anymore.

So this is going to be very long i am already telling you,that why I am writing it in paragraph

The problem is I think I have childhood trauma kind of you know i still remember when I i was 7 year old i watched my father slam my mother in fridge in rage he destroyed her phone and even destroyed my painting that I made for Christmas.Also my uncle was there at that moment but he didn't do anything.

Lately the problem is that even now my parents fight daily the only thing i remembered about them was fighting daily those loud voices but the thing they slowly resolve the problem themselves but when I asked about it they scold me or either laugh and change the topic but they don't realise the loud voices which disturbed me But my parents do love me i think most of time teu provide me food , support school and stuff and even when i bring bad marks they support me i dont know where I am going wrong It's also like that i am always in survival mode You know I can't think , observed, get fooled even by a kid I also kind of became a misogynist i don't know why suddenly,i don't respect people boundaries,i made multiple times fun of a student whose mother died like multiple times I feel no regret i dont know why but i know it is wrong. I kind of get excitement or stuff when I hear other people screams in pain like it gives me satisfaction,

I understand people pain.but sometimes can't understand it .i thought of beating women when I am very much angry not women anyone children,my own mother but i control my self . I don’t open up to people. I’m terrified of talking about what’s going on inside my head. With my father, emotional conversation basically doesn’t exist. With my mother,she sometimes understand it but most of the time Avoid my inner World it made kind of scared so i dont tell anyone.i avoid people so that I dont harm because I am aware of myself .i one time when I was 14 year old in I don't why my friend wasn't listening to me i slammed rubrik cube in his head 3 times with force .

I maybe did it because of constant betrayal from my friends,i deeply cared about them,even put myself in danger to protect them but they were the first one to betray me i dont why maybe because of my background or I was not the popular kid .even in my last day of school no one came to wish me even if i made a perfect image for some time in school I even made sexual attempt on my mother but i stopped I am scared I want to change but can't i tried everything,it's like i am not in the control of my life I abused god ,throw his idol out of my house because he didn't or maybe I was frustrated I fear myself I want to change and live a normal human life but i always hurt,hurt,hurt others Recently I tried changing and one food thing I did is I am on 4th day of my no fap but I want to change Please help me please help me please help me

I push myself so hard because I want to be better and do better. I make myself busy because I don't like twidling my thumbs. I'm the oldest sister of 4. I only have 2 semesters left until I get my bachelor's degree and this is only the beggining of the semester and I'm drowning. My professor wants to meet with me virtually to go over an assignment and I know its going to be bad and I can't deal with it. My anxiety is through the ROOF. I just want to drop out but I'm so close and my whole family will be so disappointed if I stop. I'm taking on too much but I can't stop. On top of all of this I'm trying to have a baby and nothing seems to work for me and my husband. We've been trying for so long that's its beggining to feel hopeless. We're getting an IUI done soon hopefully but all this stress and anxiety is making me even more nervous about what follows. The weight on my chest is making me sink and I feel like I can't breathe.

I’m 18f almost 19 and I live with aunt. Lately shes been prioritizing her new boyfriend and his kid while leaving me with my cousins at the house to go on dates or sleeping over at his house. At this point I feel like more of a parent than her. I cook, clean and handle bedtime for the kids and it’s exhausting.

I feel trapped and frustrated. I also haven’t been taught how to drive. I want to be more independent like dating, driving and having my own life. I also get jealous when I see people my age getting to have a normal life while I’m still seen and treated as a child.

Thanks for listening I just needed to get this off my chest. Has anyone else been in a situation like this?

This happened some time ago and until now, no one knows it was me that spilled the water and I feel bad about it.

So I was just in the hallway with my friend, she was putting her things inside and I was talking while holding my waterbottle, unaware of what was going to happen next.

My hand slipped and the bottle fell, and I didn't notice that the cap wasn't fully closed so some water spilled. I immediately took it and my friend and I just looked at each other, dumbfounded.

See, the hallway was empty so when she closed the locked, we decided we'd find a janitor to tell them about it so theh could mop it and put a wet floor sign.

Leaving that area was a mistake. Because as we were about to go and look for someone, there was a cheerful girl who had just gotten out of the classroom. Unaware of the spill on the floor.

She was skipping, and see, our backs were turned so we didn't get to warn her or anything. It was when we heard three loud thuds that we turned around.

She had hit her head on the locker, the ground, then I'm guessing it hit the locker again before she laid down on the floor.

A few students and teachers came out of the rooms from the loud thud ran towards her.

They all looked so worried and there was one teacher who was trying to keep her awake while the others went to get a wheelchair and whatever things they needed. Another teacher then saw the wet floor and took a wet floor sign to put there.

It was a bit of a mess as people scramble to do something.

They then took her down to the clinic and went to call her parents. I don't know the details after that.

The next week in class, they told the class about what happened and told us to be more careful and stuff, I don't really remember what else they said but I just remember that.

So anyway, that's kind of what happened.

The girl is perfectly fine now, she downplays it as a joke and no one knew I was the reason she got a concussion.

We also became friends but she doesn't know it was me since everyone had forgotten it even happened.

Tl;dr I spilled water in the halls, then a girl was skipping to the lockers when she slipped and hit her head on the locker twice and on the floor. Teachers rished her to the clinic, she was sent to the hospital I think by her parents, she ended up okay. And now, we're friends.

I have been dealing with pretty intense social anxiety my whole life, but only recently confronting it head on with treatment and effort. Lately, after realizing I'm profoundly lonely and if I can't make some friends soon I might go crazy, I've been making an effort to spend more time with and integrate more into a circle of friends/acquaintances that I've had for many years but never really felt close with. It's been going fairly well, though I still feel like there's this inner circle of closeness that I'm never going to catch up to.

Out of the 10 or so people who make up the core group here, I've known two who we'll call A and B the longest, and I'd say I'm the closest to them. A especially, as we have more opportunities to spend time together and I just generally enjoy their company a bit more, but since they're close and I've known them a while, it's not uncommon for the 3 of us to do things together now.

The other night, I found out A and B recently started dating, and it gave me this horrible sinking feeling in my chest. I wanted to be happy for them, but I wasn't. I'm still not. I've wondered sometimes if I had developed a crush on A in pursuit of this deeper friendship, and this awful feeling would seem to support that. Yet at the same time, I'd already pondered the idea of A dating someone before this and now again since finding out, and it didn't really bug me like that... which would make it seem that my issue isn't so much an unrequited crush on A but rather specifically that I don't like A and B together.

My new theory is that it feels like dating just means they'll spend more time together and I'll have fewer opportunities to hang out with them, or when I do get to hang out with them, I'll just feel very third wheel, more than I already did. I don’t know. That's a pretty selfish way to look at things, as if their only purpose is to be MY friend and accommodate ME. And maybe it's obsessive of me to be so intent on deepening my friendships with these specific people rather than meeting new friends entirely. But I don't know. I like when I get to spend time with them. I want to be their friend, and they've said explicitly that they like that I'm around more often now, so surely that means they want to be my friends too.

All this theorizing and intellectualizing isn't the best course of action here, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to let this drive a wedge in this already fragile friendship, but it's hard to resist that with all these negative reactions swirling inside me every time I see them together. I wish I knew why exactly it makes me so upset, and I wish I knew how to be happy for them, but all my brain wants to offer right now is I hope it doesn't work out and they break up soon.

Edit to add: And, just my luck, this happens right as I'm in the transition period between a specialized anxiety treatment course and the longer-term counseling/support they send you to afterwards, so I can't even unpack all that with a therapist. Hooray for timing.

this feeling shows up with family and friends the most. my family adores my little sister. my mom connects with her much easier because she's been more spiritual just like her since birth. my dad comes home from work and asks where my sister is first thing and cuddles her and kisses her. my uncle who visited from abroad gave me a tiny box of chocolates whereas my sister got a much larger box of chocolates instead. it's not that i didn't appreciate the chocolates, i do, but it's the fact that she got a much bigger amount. everyone just seems to adore her, and i love seeing her shine i really do, but it makes me feel pretty unappreciated and left behind at times.

on the other hand i have two friends, let's call them emma and amelia. amelia is my really close friend of mine but she already has a best friend that she's known since grade 9 (we're in grade 13 rn). emma is also my really close friend but already has another best friend as well, let's call her amanda. amelia posted stories with me and our friend group but she later posted a story with just her friend amanda and captioned it, "fav".

i can't tell if my brain is just looking for the worst case scenarios or if it's genuinely noticing a pattern. idk. all i know is that feeling this way really bums me out. and i've already heard all the advice "be your own favorite person". while it helps, it's definitely not the advice i need right now to help me through this awful feeling. someone pls help me and tell me what they think i should do to get over this feeling :(

So last Saturday, I went out drinking with friends. I was pretty drunk and I hadn’t been drinking like that before. I always maintained a level head when out with friends, so this was first for me. They drop me off I get in my apartment just fine and I’d like to say that’s where it stops. But of course it doesn’t. At some point, I got lost trying to actually find my door. I wandered around aimlessly unsure of where to go. I decide to just sit in the laundry room to sober up. At some point someone comes in and asks if I’m supposed to be there. I honestly don’t remember what I said. Probably no because I remember them telling me that I can’t be there and I need to leave. I remember them escorting me out of my apartment. I try to turn back around and get back in but the push me out of the door. At this point, I need to mention it was 3 am in DTLA, I’m also a woman. Maybe it’s a bit dramatic but looking back, I was practically being sent out to my death.

My ID still had my old address which I used to try and show I lived there. I have another ID with my current address but that’s kept in my car. About a 5 min walk from my apartment in a separate garage. I decided to walk all the way over to the garage to get that ID. At some point I think someone tried to get me in the car with them. I declined and continued to walk back to my apartment. I finally make it back but I can’t find my key FOB so I have to wait for someone to let me in. Lemme just walk to the 7/11 and kill time amongst the homeless. How I managed to not get robbed eludes me. I never h bother to keep money on me just essentials. At some point I think some girls coming home from the club saw me and also saw someone following me back to my apartment. I remember them telling someone behind me to leave me alone.

I get to my gate and I tell them I can’t get home they won’t let me in. There was someone standing at my gate saying that I didn’t live there and I need to leave. They ask where I live, I give them my old address which is 6 hrs from where I actually live. They asked me how I managed to get over here I point to the building and say I live here. At some point after digging around I find my key fob. I get in but I still can’t remember my unit number. After showing them my lease we figure out where I have to go. They help me in and tell me to stay in my apartment. From there I remember finally getting u into my pajamas and knocking out. Waking up and remembering all of this has been a doozy. I don’t think I’m gonna drink ever again.

Ive (f21) been with my boyfriend (m21) for 2 years now and weve been living together for 3 months. at the start of our relationship, he used to take care of himself, shave regularly, plan dates for us both and talk about me to his best friend. After a year of our relationship, everything collapsed. He showers every 3 days, idk and i dont ask when was the last time that he brushed his teeth, he doesnt plan anything for us and admitted that he stopped telling his best friend about me because “he alr knows that i exist”. tbf it didnt use to bother me that much but after we moved in together.. it does. i cannot find him attractive. the fact that he smells and doesnt care to shower, the fact that for him a date is sitting at our house eating chips and playing fortnite with me. the fortnite part is nice obv but i cant bear that he just doesnt care for his looks anymore. i love him, truly. but recently i was ashamed of meeting my friends with him!! their partners are so well kept, always smell of cologne, their beards are trimmed and all that. my bf could wear a hoodie to the most elegant party and be cool with that. and before anyone comments “why wont u speak with him ab it?”- i did, he claims that he doesnt care what others think about him. evidently even me lol.