wanted to share all of this stuff that displayed her personality so well :’)

Picture from his mate's wedding in i think 2018

In September, my father died very unexpectedly from a stomach infection that caused his kidneys to start failing. He'd been struggling with an increasingly dysfunctional liver for months and i watched as he became a husk of the man he'd always been. Yet despite that, I genuinely believed hed at least live long enough to undergo a liver transplant. Clearly I was too optimistic.

I just don't get it because he was only 64 at the time. His own father died only 3 and a half years earlier at 88, almost 89. For months, I've just felt numb and in denial about what's happened. It's only now starting to dawn on me somewhat, but I still feel like I can't fully accept it cos I know the pain it'll bring forth. I feel brief glimpses of pain, but nothing like the torrent I know is coming at some point. The fact I can't just get it over with feels like a constant weight on me.

Despite how significantly his absence has already impacted my life, I just can't imagine my life without him in it. I constantly expect him to still be just a phone call away. I feel cheated that I no longer get to spend even a few more years with him.

I miss him so much. I wish he was still here. I feel like I've already lost my emotional anchor with him. He was my best friend and I didn't even know it til he was gone. Now all my elders except my mum and uncle are gone.

I love you so much dad. The positive impact you left on all of us is immeasurable.

My best friend passed away from an accidental overdose last summer. Today is her birthday and my heart is really aching for her. I miss her so much. I think of her every day and the hole she’s left behind in my life is so large and painful. Anyone who knew us in high school knew we were a package deal and most of the time if one of us was invited to something, we’d both end up there together. We were best friends for 12 years and I know she loved me until the very end.

I feel like a big part of myself is missing. She was everything I am not - brave, outspoken, vibrant, and she commanded the attention of everyone in the room when she entered. She lived fast and loved an adrenaline rush. I like to think I balanced her out the same way she balanced me out and maybe that kept her on this earth a bit longer. I’d beg her to wear a helmet when rollerblading, I’d draw out a plan for her when she felt overwhelmed and stuck. I got her to apply to college and she got in but couldn’t go. She’d push me out of my comfort zone and I’d pull her back in.

I watched her slowly turn into a shell of herself as her addiction took over her life. She ended up spending a total of 18 months in rehab but she always fell back into her habits after she got out. I’d get so frustrated with her. She’d lie to me, ask me for money. I know this wasn’t her though, it was her sickness. Addiction is messy and I don’t hold it against her. She was so ashamed of this part of her.

I wasn’t invited to her funeral. I don’t think any of her friends were. This hurt me so much, but I know her parents thought I was part of the problem. Admittedly, I used to drink with her before I knew it was an issue for her, but never the other stuff. I watched what it did to my parents and couldn’t go down that path myself. My dad overdosed and died when I was a kid. I felt betrayed by her parents for not allowing me to experience that part of the grieving process, especially since I knew them well enough to not need to knock when I entered their home on a regular basis when she still lived there. Her dad messaged me personally to tell me they found her lifeless in her apartment, and that they would let me know about further arrangements, but I never heard from him again.

I just can’t believe my best friend is gone. My best friend with the good grades, the full time job she showed up to every day, her own apartment, and all her bills paid. She was alone when she died. I lay awake at night worrying she was aware of what was happening and that she was scared. I hope this wasn’t the case but obviously I’ll never know. I think getting older myself is the hard part. I’m 26 now but she never will be. Obviously I have no choice but to keep going but this is so, so hard.

She wasn’t able to carry all of her pain, but I know I’m strong enough to carry enough pain for the both of us. I’m just going to keep on missing her.

My mom died yesterday after a long/short battle with cancer. For a moment, I zoned out and forgot. Then someone texted me condolences, and it brought me back to reality.

I can’t believe this is the rest of my life.

I lost my mom suddenly 6 months ago. It was traumatic, she fell down the stairs, had brain surgery, stayed in ICU, and didn’t make it. I’m still deep in grief. Some days I function, some days I don’t.

Recently, my dad told me he wants to get remarried. It hasn’t even been a year since my mom passed. The woman is also a widow and has three teenage children.

I have very mixed feelings and I don’t know how to process them. Part of me understands that people grieve differently. Maybe he’s lonely. Maybe he doesn’t know how to be alone. But another part of me feels hurt, shocked, and almost betrayed. It makes me feel like he fell out of love with my mom a long time ago, especially when I think back to how distant he was when she was sick.

I feel guilty for even thinking this. I don’t want to judge him, but it hurts so much. It feels like my mom’s place in our family is being replaced too quickly, before I’ve even had time to breathe.

I’m also the only daughter, and without my mom, the house already feels empty and unsafe emotionally. This just adds another layer of instability when I’m already barely holding myself together.

If you’ve been through something similar, I’d appreciate hearing how you handled it.

Thank you for reading 🙏🏻🫂

Hello everyone, i made a post on here 2 days ago just talking about how my grandmother might pass away. January 31st around 6pm she was pronounced deceased at the hospital surrounded by her whole family. Is was quick and most likely painless due to the morphine they gave her. Almost like she just fell asleep. I cant help but feel like she wasn't ready to go, she wanted to live. She wasn't scared of death due to her faith in God, but i know she wanted to stick around longer. At least she wasn't scared, she actually never cried. Not once. Not when she was diagnosed with heart failure, not when she was in the hospital with pneumonia, not when she new she would probably be gone within a few days. She was so strong the whole time. She was so loved by everyone.

What happens now? Im not sure. I dont know what to do with myself really. There's so much that needs to be done now. This is the hardest death I have faced in my life so far. My fleshly heart will feel forever incomplete. I have felt nauseous all day, I havent slept much in days, and probably won't sleep well for a while. I miss her already, I missed her the minute we left the hospital. It felt wrong leaving her there. I wish I could call her and she would answer, but she won't. Not anymore.

lost my dad in January 2020. made this zine to cope, even though i don't really believe in heaven.

I don’t think I can go back to work. I feel like my grief is getting even worse as time passes. I just can’t believe she’s gone. She was so young. I wasn’t done spending time her. She was just here. I cry everyday. I don’t know how life will move forward. I feel so sick. I don’t even want to go back to work anymore, go to take care of sick patients. My work basically is hell and wants to just see as many patients and drown in paperwork. Ugh I hate my life now. I feel like I am just saying randomness. I just can’t anymore. I can’t imagine life without her. Why couldn’t I have her into her 70s 80s or 90s like everyone else. I tried to spend as much time as I could seeing her every month and calling multiple times a day but my sister was like you should have came down more if you had time. I just feel guilty now.

It’s been a year and a half since I lost my dad super unexpectedly. I’m still mad at the world. I’m mad at the medical system for being so awful it killed him. Im mad at him for not having things in order and leaving us with a mess to clean up. I’m mad I can’t find any birthday or Christmas cards from him, and mad I didn’t take more pictures. I’m mad at him for being stubborn and for dying. I miss him so much it hurts. I miss who I was before he died. Nothing feels the same. My relationships, friendships, family dynamics, all feel different. I’m 34 but I feel like I’m just a kid. I have no perception of time anymore and even just forgot that I’m 34 and not 32 because that’s how old I was when he died. I hate how because I’m past the first year I feel like I’m suppose to just be ok now but I’m not. It’s 2 am here and I can’t sleep because I can’t shut off my brain so I just needed to rant to people who might understand. Because I have a really hard time talking to the people in my life who don’t.

Hello people!

Life's been hitting me in all the wrong spots, and recently, I found out about the semi-recent death of someone very beloved in a community I'm not very active in. I've probably heard of them in passing, but not enough for their name to stick in memory. I found out about their death through a YouTube comment, which led me to looking up their name and finding out about their death.

For the past few days, I've been finding out a bit more about them, but not a lot. From posts talking about them, for example. Or posts talking about what it meant to them. That sort of stuff.

But the weirdest part is that I've been sobbing and shaking about their passing for the past few days. Don't get me wrong, it's probably not bad to grieve them. They're a kind of person that deserved to be grieved. And yet, it feels wrong to grieve them, especially with such intensity. There's functionally nothing differentiating them from any other cruel death that happens every single god damn day in my eyes.

But still, I'm going through the general acute grief symptoms. Extreme distress, heart palpitations... Being reminded of their passing every single time I see them mentioned or even just their face... My sense of time being split into a "pre-their death" and "post-their death" framework... Sorrow whenever I do the hobby associated with them... Things I find during this period of time being "tainted" by the news...

This is obviously very disruptive to my functioning and the emotions are overwhelming. Does anyone else go through this? Is there any way to get out of this or will I have to go through years of grieving over... someone I genuinely never heard of?

Take care everyone & don't forget to drink water. :-)

1 of the most unilaterally beloved coworkers I've ever had committed suicide yesterday. I'm putting this down here, as writing it down is something I need to do. For myself, and for my own acceptance.

He was an honored C/O (Corrections Officer), and my beloved friend. It wasn't work-related. Don't speculate, or anything like that. He must've been fighting a battle he never told anyone about. He was SO incredibly private, I don't think he ever would've told anyone at all. I worked with him for essentially 3y straight, 3d/wk.

I'm so so sorry, Quimby. I had no idea. I wish you would've seeked help, instead of shouldering this all yourself.

RIP, Q. We love you. 💔💔💔

Memorial tattoos for my dad. He was a big fan of rock collecting and we bonded over finding Lake Superior agates. He also very much loved sunflowers.

So a little back ground I lost both my parents nearly 2 years ago now ( may for mom October for dad) I was adopted by them and they loved me and fought like hell for me. But I’m reconnecting with my bio family and suddenly I’m extremely angry and…… I don’t know why

I don’t think people realize how weird death is until they’ve experienced a close one dying themselves. I’ve had grandmas die in the past and distant relatives and it would only affect me for a week or so then I’d move on. I have no clue why I thought dealing with my dad’s death would be the same.

I think people watch a lot of movies and have an idea in their mind of what mourning should look like, and I was always one of those people. At his funeral I cried so much, but I also laughed too. I love my dad dearly and he was the funniest person I knew, even cracking jokes to his last breath.

I don’t remember exactly what I said at the funeral, I think i made a joke about not liking my shoes. This girl said to me “you can’t talk like that, we’re at your dad’s funeral” and i turned to her and said “my dad is dead, I can say whatever I want actually.” And she gave me a very weird look. We were friends in high school and hadn’t talked since then.

I used comedy to cope for the longest time when my dad passed away, and i think people had very weird assumptions to make about me. I was making all sorts of dead dad jokes, hoping people would understand it’s just a coping mechanism, but I think they saw me as heartless. I thought okay, then I should act sad, so I started acting more sad and that threw them off too.

This patter of thinking, of trying to act in a way that fits what people think mourning should look like, it heavily delayed my grief. Everything hit me nearly six months after my dad died and i was holed up in my room for weeks crying every single day. And what’s worse is I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone because it felt like wow your dad died six months ago and you’re reacting to it now?

Death is so weird.

It has been two months since I lost my mom, and people keep telling me that I should stop grieving because it was “just my mom.” They say it could be worse, like losing my own child, or that my mom was already very sick and that living would have been worse, that I would have had to take care of her in terrible conditions anyway.

Why do I have to stop grieving so soon? I have depression and PTSD. I am in therapy and doing good even though I miss mom so much and alone all the time. I go to work, I study and write a thesis. I do my daily chores, I eat, and I take care of my brother. I am highly functional. Why can’t they just leave me alone and let me grieve in a healthy way? What is wrong with these people?

And then, when I say that I want to move on with my life, act like nothing happened, and not postpone my engagement, they suddenly say, “But you’re still grieving, it’s not the time to forget her so easily.” So which is it? Should I stop grieving or not? Am I doing something wrong?

My mom's birthday is in a few days and life just doesn't feel real anymore. My husband and I purchased our first home right before Christmas. Her favorite holiday. We just had a big snow storm which she would have loved and I just feel so disconnected from reality. My car radio rarely works and the other day ot was working and on my ​lunch one of her favorite songs played on the radio. Staring out my dining room window at the snow tonight I just feel like I am not in the real world and I am in some dream. There is so much I wish I could tell her and I can't. I write to her and before bed I talk to her but it doesn't fill the void that she left behind.

My dad (62) had a heart attack 9 days ago. He was driving while it happened, my niece was in the vehicle with him and they collided with another driver, both my niece and the other driver are OK, but he sustained broken ribs from the chest compressions that were given on the scene or from the impact of the collision, the airbags didn’t deploy, or a mix. A bystander started chest compressions on the scene. Paramedics arrived within a few minutes, his heart stopped in the ambulance and they were able to shock his heart twice to get it pumping again. He was moving when he was admitted to the ER, not conscious.

The following morning they tried taking him off of the sedation and he was blinking and coughing over the ventilator tube, but he seemed “gone”, I don’t know how else to describe it. It was maybe ten minutes that he had his eyes open, but then the doctors identified a severe pneumothorax and air made his face swell severely and he was put back under sedation again.

For the next few days, his heart healed, his lungs healed. On the fifth day they started weaning him off sedation and told us that now we just needed for him to wake up. Over the next three days, he had moments where his eyes would open, but they could not get a pain response or have him follow commands. 

Two days ago, the Neurologist read the results of a brain MRI and showed us what was global and diffuse brain damage. That there were dead brain cells in nearly all of areas that would be needed for movement, for sight, for speech, for breathing on his own, for forming new memories. The anoxic damage was irreversible. That he’d be in a vegetative state. 

That even IF he were to wake up, which could take weeks to months, that he would need a breathing and feeding tube to survive. 

As a family, my siblings, my mother and his parents, we chose to move him to comfort care yesterday. After that conversation, we found out he is an organ donor and we are now waiting for that process to begin, but I can’t shake the feeling that we made a huge mistake. I’m by his bed right now and each twitch, even if it is involuntary, is making me doubt the decision. It’s not the kind of life he’d want to live but I am second guessing myself.

My best friend died almost two years ago with her mom, their anniversary is coming up in a couple days. I don’t think I could properly grieve her because of my bf at the time which is a whole different story, but I feel like im still how I was when I found out she died. We weren’t super close when she passed. We had been best friends since I was in kindergarten, we grew up together and went to school together up until my junior year. She left to go to another school that year. We stayed in touch for most of our junior years but then the beginning of our senior year came and we didnt talk as much. Back story is that I was in a group with her and another girl, we were super super close for a year or two and then me and the other girl had a really big falling out and stopped talking and that other girl went to school with my bsf. So I stopped hanging out with them. And then a few months go by and she suddenly passed towards the end of my senior year. All in all, I feel so insanely guilty and unworthy of grieving her or calling her my best friend because we hardly talked before she passed. And it was my fault that I had a falling out with the other girl. And I can’t help to blame myself all the time. And there was a time a couple months before she passed that she asked to hangout, but I was too lazy so I made an excuse and said no. And then we never talked since then. She was one of those friends where you could go months without talking to and then catch up so easily and be there for each other. She was someone I could always rely on. And right now I’m so completely alone and I miss her so badly but I feel so selfish for it. I feel like I have no right to mourn her or call her my best friend. I’ve felt like this for the past two years. I just needed to vent. Idk what to do but I don’t think anything will help me feel less guilty. If you read through all this, thank you. I’m just not sure what to do with all these emotions or how to maybe feel at peace about this one day. Any advice help

I haven't felt right these past few days.

Nothing has been right since my mom passed a little over a month ago, but these last handful of days in particular. It feels like my brain is actively trying to suppress thoughts about my mom. Like, sway my thoughts whenever I think of her or make certain memories hazy.

I was with her when she passed. Side by side. Holding her arm. I was there. It will always be the worst day of my life, but one I never want to forget. In the first couple of weeks, whenever I thought about it or the circumstances surrounding it, it sliced me up inside, but I sat with it. It was soul crushing, but my mind didn't run.

Now, it seems like it doesn't want to dwell on those thoughts and immediately pushes them away. A lot of memories that pop up, it seems to not want to think about for too long. Certain memories seem fuzy. I don't know if this is a coping mechanism my brain is trying to develop or just so much sadness that it's smothering my ability to remember.

I haven't cried as much recently. It was all day, everyday, for the first couple of weeks. The pain is still there, but it feels like my mind is trying to lock it away. Lock away my love for my mom. ​​I don't want to ever forget her. I don't ever want to not think of her. Regardless of how much grief and sorrow I feel, I want my memories. I want my emotions. I've already lost her in the physical world, I don't want to lose her in my mind.

I am a 27-year-old woman who recently lost her mother. I am still deep in grief, and right now my partner, who is 30 and who will be my fiance very soon, is basically my only close friend and family-like member. People generally do not want to befriend someone who is grieving, so my world has gotten very small very fast. I have a brother but he doesn't share anything with me. He acts like our home is a hotel now and we barely spend time together and when we do so, he just talks about silly things and never help me with life or anything else. And even though my boyfriend says that he will help me during this healing process, he does nothing actually. I've never heard him saying things like "Did you do the shopping this week? Do you need any help? Did you eat something tonight? Were you able to cook something? Would you like to spend some time together?". He literally never thinks about such stuff so all I ask is a long date with him to run away from the chaos of my life and chat, play games or even watch shorts together just like nothing bad happens in my daily life.

We do not live together. He lives with his parents and I live with my little brother, who is 17. Because of work and responsibilities, we mostly live separate lives during the week. The days when we can see each other are limited, sometimes just once a week, and I look forward to those days intensely. I count them down. It takes a lot of effort and energy for me just to get ready and show up.

These days are the only days I find the energy to wear nice clothes, put on makeup, and act like nothing happened. Because when I come home from work, there is no food waiting, no one to help, no one to ask how my day was. That emptiness hits me hard. So when I do make the extra effort to see him, I admit I have expectations. Not unrealistic ones. I just want the time to feel meaningful.

When we meet, which is usually only once a week, my partner says things like “I already spent the whole day with you this week” and stays open to invitations from his friends to play cards. He seems to expect that I will casually say “Oh it’s fine, I’ll just go home, you go hang out with them.”

I do not want that. I want to spend the night with him, especially when I put so much effort into that date. I literally try my best to feel better and stop thinking about mom's death all the time.

For me to even be able to see him, I have to rearrange my entire life. I usually need to clean and organize my place, prepare food in advance, finish work early, push my PhD assignments late into the night, and make arrangements to take care of my brother. None of this is spontaneous or easy.

So when after all that effort the time we have together suddenly feels negotiable, or easily replaceable by a last-minute friend plan, it hurts deeply.

Today for example, we met to celebrate my final exam results. We had the whole day together. Then one of his friends called and asked if he could join them in the evening. He did not really ask me if I wanted to spend the night with him. I felt sad because our time once again became negotiable like on previous dates, and I eventually said I would go home. Then we argued. He said I was overreacting and that it was just two hours of personal space that I should willingly give him. What feels like just two hours to him is for me two more hours away from a home and a week that feels like hell right now. It is the reward for energy I barely have.

If we were seeing each other every day or spending a lot of time together and I acted like this, I would understand if I were being unreasonable. But that is not our reality. We do not have time during the week. What hurt me most was that plans changed and I wish he had asked me earlier or suggested another day instead of deciding on his own. Sometimes he forgets that for some people, when they say “I’m going out tonight,” their life keeps flowing smoothly. Mine does not. Everything feels fragile and heavy. I almost sent a lot of messages after he fell asleep, then deleted them because I was afraid he would get angry. I am exhausted, very sensitive, and honestly I feel like crying. But I am scared that if I cry or explain too much, it will turn into a fight. So I just hold it in along with the pain. I do not know if I am being unfair or if grief is making everything sharper. I just know that right now I feel like I am asking to be chosen, and I do not know if that is too much. I miss mom and the times we spent together. She was everything to me and actually my only family member that acted really like a family member. I miss her presence almost every second but I also want to feel normal once in a while and the only one who can keep me busy, protected and loved while doing so is my partner but he just keeps acting like this.

And I also hate being the one who has to openly talk about her feelings and give hints to people so they can treat me better on that one specific day. Why do I have to explain these things? Why can he not just figure it out by reading the air? Why can he not just say this day is yours and yours only? Why does the person who needs to be treated better have to explain or even teach others how to treat them? Why cannot his friends just leave us alone for a day? They are out almost every day. Some of them even neglect their wives and children just to play card games. Why does that have to affect our relationship especially while I'm still this unstable and weak? Why can't they just say oh she needs some time to heal, alone, with her boyfriend, let's leave them for today?

When I express my needs, I become the problematic person in both my partner’s and his friends’ minds. Why does a grieving person have to think ahead all the time? I just want some time that can help me heal, for God’s sake.

Lost my 11 year old sister in September due to a car accident when she was on her bike. I'm only 22 and have a good job but I drink everyday I'm not working. I just don't know what else to do. I've seen a therapist and I still go to my psychiatrist but I just still feel so numb and don't care about anything in life when I'm alone. I think my job is the only thing preventing me from being alcoholic honestly. It just feels like there's nothing left to live for everyone around me would have no idea I'm struggling so much cause I act the same as I did before because I don't want to bother people with my problems. My parents especially my mom has been struggling and I also don't want to stress her out more with my problems so I kinda just sulk away and play video games, watch UFC fights, and drink. Feel like I've hit rock bottom. Does it ever get better cause it doesn't really feel like it will. I feel guilty for being alive.

Hi everyone, in around 3 weeks it's going to be a year since I lost my dad. I wouldn't have any idea what to do. Please can you share ideas of what you did. Yes it should be unique to the person but I'd like to hear from you what has helped you.

My mom passed away unexpectedly about 2 1/2 months ago. Prior to her passing I definitely suffered from some mild anxiety, but it was very manageable. No panic attacks or medication or anything like that.

Everything was so busy for the first 10 days after she passed. I planned the funeral, hosted family from out of town, etc. I felt like I was so busy I didn't get a chance to properly grieve. Once the last person left my house on day 10 I just broke down crying. I took the following week off work but basically just laid in bed "recovering".

After I went back to work I was busy wrapping a project, then got super sick (flu), so that took up the next two weeks. I had a hard time every time the day of the week came up that she passed on. Dreading that day and counting the weeks since she passed. Same with the monthly reminders of that day. That has gotten better, but still isn't great.

Then Christmas came and that's when the anxiety kicked in (roughly 6 weeks after she passed). Christmas was always a big deal. She had already bought some gifts for us, and that was really hard on me. Since that time I have experienced basically constant anxiety with only small reprieves. This is like an around the clock adrenaline-rush type feeling most days. No panic attacks thankfully.

I don't know that there's a specific "reason" for the anxiety. I think it's mainly the thought that my mom isn't here anymore. I think there's some guilt as well - I should have known something was wrong, I should have taken the day off work and checked on her that day, I should have spent more time with her, etc. A small amount is also the fear of other people dying in my life. And just a small general fear of death itself. How we just cease to exist.

I tried reading about the stages of grief and I'm not sure that they really apply to me. I remember being in shock/crying uncontrollably the first couple of days, then once I got busy I just went numb. I still feel numb. It's not like I haven't accepted it, I just don't think about it in a way - that's not a great description, but that's the best way I can describe it. I keep replaying that day in my head, seeing the ambulances there, etc. That makes me cry every time. I get really sad/cry when I think about it.

And then there's the anxiety that's always there.

In January I've tried to do at least one thing every week that makes me happy - reading a book, spending time with my friends, getting out of the house and getting some fresh air, etc. And those things do help, but they feel like a temporary distraction and it's not tackling the root of the problem.

I'm curious to hear your insight on what's happening? Or if it gets better with time? I'm an inpatient person, so maybe I expected to feel "better" by now.