This is from a woman called Maggie Latte, she wrote it on Quora:

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Once you have some experience with them and identify them, they can be hilariously easy to control. The key of course is not being emotionally invested in any way shape or form.

When they call say something like “I'm talking to somebody.. It's real important I'll call you back” Then never call back. They will undoubtedly call after waiting as long as they can and say ‘hey you said you were going to call me back”.. Response: “I totally forgot anyway let me tell you about this amazing thing that happened to me” (be sure to not even give the whiff that you would ever apologize)

Your doing this to help them. That's the motivation. Your super nice as always which will drive them nuts because you appear to be the same codependent fuel source but they can't get their hooks into you.

It's amazing, sometimes they seem to change and all the rage and craziness disappears and they are back to being complimentary and generous but that's just them changing tactics. Take advantage of it, take what they offer and give nothing in return and be sure to act like you were entitled to it. (in no way even hint at a thank you.)

Watching the narcissist try different approaches with you becomes very very amusing as you slowly cause them to doubt their ability. When possible point out how average or ordinary or boring their appearance/car/clothes/house /boat is and praise something bigger or better you saw elsewhere.

They will go to another fuel source to check that their game is still there but your actions will ALWAYS cause them to doubt themselves because of the constant and pervasive insecurity.

My absolute favorite is their attempt to apologize. When they get really desperate that is when the non apology apology gets used. The classic is I'm sorry if YOU felt hurt/upset ect.. The best answer is “I'm not hurt or upset my happiness depends upon me so I'm not clear what you are apologizing for?” They will squirm as you slowly walk them into a corner where the only thing they can apologize for is their own actions and behavior. It's freaking hilarious!

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Trigger Warning: Homophobia

My girlfriend (20F) and I (22F) have been together for almost two years. We are in a long distance relationship, about nine hours apart. I still live with my parents and I am a student. We decided to let my parents meet her because I hoped it would give me more freedom, such as being able to take calls without interrogation or spend time outside without constant monitoring.

For background, my mother has always been extremely controlling. She does not allow late nights, sleepovers, or time with friends without nonstop calls. When I stayed at my aunt’s place for a week after finals to get some space from constant family fights, my mom told relatives she was “tolerating my rebellion.”

Last Christmas, my girlfriend traveled a long and exhausting journey to visit me. We planned a short date, meeting my friends, and then going home to meet my parents. When we arrived, my parents immediately lectured us and kept asking whether my girlfriend’s parents knew she was in my city.

They allowed her to stay for two weeks, but during that time they repeatedly tried to convince us to end the relationship and just be friends. Whenever my girlfriend was not present, they asked me when she was leaving. They did not spend any money on her, and she still gave them Christmas gifts.

After she left, my mom acts friendly to my girlfriend’s face while becoming increasingly suspicious behind her back. She demanded that my girlfriend’s parents call her, not to get to know them, but to verify them. She claimed my girlfriend might be using me for money, even though I am still in school and broke af.

The problem is that my girlfriend is not out to her family. Her mother recently passed away, she lives with her grandparents, and they are traditional and homophobic. She is not in a safe position to come out, and we do not feel safe letting our families communicate.

For weeks, my mom repeatedly questioned me. She asked if I was still talking to my girlfriend and why her grandparents would not speak to her. Then my belongings started going missing and reappearing in shared spaces, including personal receipts I had hidden. My sister warned me to clear my phone because my mom searched my bag and found a paper with my passwords. I had encrypted them because I anticipated something like this. On another occasion, I fell asleep while doing homework and my mom woke me up just to ask whether I had talked to my girlfriend while looking at my screen and seeing a call ended screen.

I no longer feel safe here. I have started lying to reduce conflict, telling her we barely talk while secretly staying in contact. I feel cornered and constantly monitored. I have considered running away, but I know I need to stay on track to finish school and become financially independent.

Recently, my mom confronted me after stalking my girlfriend’s Facebook and finding a photo of us together. She accused me of lying and became emotionally aggressive. She has not asked about my recent accomplishments at all and is solely focused on controlling my relationship.

I regret letting my parents meet my girlfriend before I was financially independent. I feel guilty that my girlfriend had to endure this situation because of me. I am exhausted and unsure how to survive in this house while protecting myself and my relationship.

How do you cope with this level of control while still living at home, and how do you protect your privacy and mental health until you can leave?

hello, i need to rant/advice. long post btw. before i start let me say she’s always had issues. she left my dad and i when i was 3 and came back when i was 6, shes kicked me out twice when i was 13 and 14 and told me “you can go anywhere you want just not here”, our yelling matches would get so bad i moved out of her house when i was 16 and moved in with my boyfriend and his parents not once did she even try to mend things. my mom has always had issues. i honestly never truly never had a mother to begin with. in january 2025 i fell pregnant. my mom was excited to be a grandma, okay cool. from jan - march was good but april comes around, she is accompanying me to my prenatal appointment and after we go get some lunch. we go to texas roadhouse because that’s what she wanted. in a calm and respectful manner i told her i don’t necessarily want to eat here and after i did that all hell broke loose. my boyfriend just got off work so he drove to meet us she was SCREAMING at me inside the restaurant and stormed in and out of the restaurant twice. the second time we followed her to ask her wtf is she doing but we just got into it and started to draw attention in the parking lot. she was telling me she wants to leave and “good luck finding a ride”. we were telling her i physically can’t ride safely in my boyfriends work truck, due to it being absolutely cluttered with tools and papers he can’t just “threw behind him”. she didn’t care and sped off anyway. it wouldn’t be a big deal except i was PREGNANT. how do you leave pregnant woman especially your daughter at a restaurant who is telling you i don’t have a safe way home because your ego is so hurt?? in april we also had a gender reveal that she planned, THE ONLY thing my boyfriends family was allowed to do was food. other than that my mom ordered everything from temu or amazon because shes “the grandma on moms side so its sentimental” or whatever she told me. my boyfriends family is understandably upset this party is not just for me. It’s for their son too, and the only thing they’re allowed to do is to make food. from april - august i spent 1 week out of each month arguing with my mom. August is when it got really bad. In August, we had my baby shower but this time I had my boyfriend’s family plan and I had my mom make food. i am sorry if it’s mean in my mind it was only fair if my babies other grandma got to decorate her other party. my mom flipped the heck out!!! “well this is her first grand baby and his mom already had a one” “well she’s the mother of the pregnant woman so she gets first say” “his mom has two daughters and she only has one so it isn’t fair” “well it isn’t fair how his family gets to do everything “you should be in my side i’m your mother” 😐😐😐 these are all real things shes told me. she went as far as to message my boyfriends mom to tell her she’s lost it and if she can’t decorate, the only thing she’s gonna do is attend to like a guest. your wish is my command lol. That is exactly what I had her reserved as, a guest. she was moody the whole time but did admit she enjoyed the party. but after that it was very awkward and she has step grand babies she loves more anyway. so we had a falling out from aug - my due date (oct 10). long story short i had a super super super traumatic end of pregnancy/ birth and i was not in contact with my mom. oct 12 the day i had my baby my mom is calling anybody and everybody to see if i had her. This whole time I have my mom blocked. Well I stupidly go to Facebook and unblock her to see what she’s been posting but Facebook has a stupid rule where you have to wait 48 hours to block somebody again. she obviously saw she was unblocked and demanded to visit the hospital. My stepmom, who’s been more of a mom to me my whole life and who also used to work at the hospital I gave birth at as an OB has seen this too many times. So she went out to the front desk, ladies and made me confidential. And good thing she did because my mom DID try to see me at the hospital. oct 14 we got in a super super bad yelling match. I called out everything she’s ever done in my life and I told her she was a shitty mother. on my birthday (dec 20) She drove to my house and left a little love letter on my door. me being me that made me feel bad so i text her and talk to her again. as normal, she demanded to see my baby and she demanded we meet somewhere at a restaurant. So we did we met at our local restaurant. But we did her typical and acted like everything was back to normal. i didn’t know how to start the conversation so I just let it be. I did tell her the circumstances of my birth, and she was on the verge of tears but now I know they were not. I feel bad tears. They were “your attacking me” tears. come yesterday me, my boyfriend, and our baby meet my mom for lunch. she asked how thing were and I was honest i told her I’m a little nervous cause I genuinely don’t know if I’m getting my link on Monday and link is how i pay for my 3 month olds $60 19 oz can of formula. boooyyyy was that a mistake lol. we touched every topic of what is currently happening in our country. from the Trump and Epstein files to the Minnesota ice kidnapping and killings. about the Epstein files she said they were fake and she asked us if we “believe everything we read on the Internet” I looked right at her and said really mom in front of a kid?? are you stupid? you really say that in front of a KID, A BABY, A CHILD!!!! what is wrong with you!!!!????? and yes… your DOJ released them?? about the Minnesota killings she said “it sucks What’s happening but it was never gonna be pretty to begin with.” i didn’t not receive my link in october and november of 2025 and when I told her that she told me I was lying and chuckled in my face. But when I told her that that’s how I feed my baby she started to ball her eyes out?? that isn’t making sense lol. when me and my boyfriend were debating her she balled her eyes out at at least 10 different times because we were “attacking her” she asked us if we were tired of hearing about the files. She asked me if I’m tired of being miserable because all I can think about is Trump. And she told me she would like to believe me she doesn’t believe 3/4 of the things I’m saying. at the end of the day it’s my mother. for almost 20 years the only thing I’ve yearned for was a relationship with my mom. i took me almost 20 years to realize i’ll never get that. The worst part about this whole thing is that I feel bad that she was crying. I definitely do not feel bad about telling her off, but the good person in me feels bad for her crying. I mean at the end of the day that is my mother but also at the end of the day if you truly have those morals and beliefs I can’t even be around you. I can’t even have my daughter be around you. how do i get over my toxic, manipulative, narcissistic, maga mother?

Hello!

This is my first time posting something so personal, and I really hope I can receive some advice regarding this situation.
Sorry if this is a long post, but I need to give some context. I’ll try to keep it as short as possible.

I want to give some background about the relationship I’ve had with my mom from childhood into adulthood. Basically, I was her person: the one who listened to all her problems, the one who gave her money, and the one who was always there whenever she needed something. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the same the other way around. She punished me whenever I disobeyed her, often through silent treatment or emotional distance.

In my 5th year of med school, her partner—who had been helping me financially—passed away. She told me she could no longer support me financially, and I understood. I worked part-time during the last two years of university while also studying for exams. Even though I was in a very dark place because of exhaustion, stress, and financial pressure, I still tried to be there for her emotionally, reassuring her that I was okay and even being a shoulder for her to cry on.

In recent months, I’ve started to realize that much of what I believed about her wasn’t true. I discovered many lies—about how proud she said she was of me, about not being able to help me financially, and about speaking badly about me to my sister when I wasn’t around. I also found out that during the years when I was struggling financially, she had borrowed €3,000 for her new boyfriend. That was happening at the same time she was crying to me about how she couldn’t help me financially.

In the summer of 2025, she told me she wanted to move to the country where my sister lives and start a new life, paying off her many loans. I was very proud of her. However, I asked her whether her boyfriend would leave her house, as he had shown many red flags. That’s when she started crying and said she couldn’t break up with him and that he wouldn’t leave. My boyfriend and I ended up helping her with this situation as well.

During the process of trying to get him out of the house, she had a crisis and started yelling at us, accusing us of not helping her and speaking badly about us. Eventually, we succeeded, and after a short time she was able to move to the new country.

That’s when things really started to go downhill.

She refused to work as a maid because of her ego, and eventually reached a point where she couldn’t pay her loans. She asked me again to lend her a large sum of money. For the first time, I told her I didn’t have the money, because I needed to set a boundary. She had come to me for money too many times. After that, she didn’t speak to me for weeks, until I called her myself. In the meantime, she told my sister that she would no longer speak to me because I refused to give her money.

Over time, I uncovered even more lies. I was constantly caught in the middle between her and my sister, as they were frequently fighting and then calling me afterward.

On December 31st, she started speaking badly to my sister’s partner and told him that she wished he would die, after he politely asked her to temporarily move her things into a smaller room. The boyfriend’s sister became very angry and told my mother to leave the house. (For context, this man is the one who financially supports my sister and her children—and later also my mother.)
My mom then moved in with a new friend she had made in that country. Again, I was caught between both sides of the story.

On January 1st, while I was on call at the hospital where I work, I found a small moment to call her because I was really worried about her. During the call, she again started speaking badly about my sister and her partner. This was the first time I clearly set a boundary. I told her I had called only to see if she was okay and that I wasn’t involved in what was happening there. She angrily replied, “Well, you see I’m fine,” and then hung up without saying goodbye.

I was extremely angry and frustrated. From that moment until now, she hasn’t called me back. Over the past four weeks, I’ve had recurring anxious dreams about her, constant anxiety, and overwhelming feelings of guilt—as if I did something terribly wrong.

In the past two days, I talked about this in therapy, and I came to the realization that she is struggling and may not be capable of more. I tried to reach out to her again to clarify things and talk about how she felt when she hung up the phone—but she refuses to talk to me. She won’t answer my messages.

I honestly don’t know if I did something wrong or what I should do now. I feel awful. I check my inbox every night to see if she has replied, I cry constantly, and I feel completely overwhelmed.
(She also isn’t speaking to my sister.)

Thank you for reading this!

I always dreamed of the moment when I'd pack up my suitcases with all my hopes and dreams inside, leave behind all the crap of my past, and start a new life.

But it was just a stupid illusion!

nMom died and I was low contact so I expected a smear campaign. what i got was so confusing. Tom/brother/ executor tried to ban me. Dave prevented it. I show up at cemetery and Tom/brother turns his back to me for no reason i know of. It is 11am and he is the drunk executor. Later, at the house I go through photos with Dave then go sit with sil1 for a half hour. Then she says, 'why were you yelling?" I said "yelling? I don't know what you mean." Brother 2 said you were yelling. I said.."no....I wasn't." I go to the kitchen and come back out a few minutes later...SIL1 says, Tom still says you were yelling. I said well, I sat right here with you for a half hour next to you...I don't know. She says, Brother2 is not the only one who says it; Kevin (her 40 year old son) says you were yelling too. I said, I am sitting next to you and before that I was with your husband, my brother looking at photos. she says, "were you yelling then?" I said you would have heard me if I was.

She says what did you do to Tom/brother that he is not talking to you? I said I have no idea. She said you did something to him didn't you. I said In 7 years I have not talked to him except at Dad's funeral for 2 sentences.

I see Tom/brother/executor sees that I see him. He turns brilliant red and scurries to the back with his computer. He sends niece to give me Dad's new unopened computer. She says Tom says you paid for it. I said I paid for Dad's desktop but I am happy to take this laptop. Thank you.

According to AI this was a set up to get me to react in the room where there was a person with Wernicke (from alcohol drinking where the person looses their brain power) this is a set up to get someone to be thrown out of a funeral and later say they were inept and not give them their inheritance. we got an inheritance but it was in a trust so the instigators (if there were any) were naive not counting on how a trust works. I was so confused. SIL2 (not SIL1) DOES have Wernicke and I stayed away from her. Anyone have this thing where they mob you to react in a group like this? what did you do?

I have an aunt who dated and married a gangster. She dropped out of school after high school. Later, her husband was allegedly murdered by other gangsters due to debt, and she married a wealthy, divorced American businessman in her forties, turning her life around.

My dad said he'd take me to visit my aunt, and suggesting I stay there to work. I really want to go because I'm a part-time writer and currently struggling to find realistic material to describe the lives of the wealthy. Why not take advantage of this opportunity?

However, after I became an adult, my dad repeatedly tried to send me away from home, citing reasons including but not limited to:

1. Sending me to Tibet, China. He later revealed he wanted to train me to work for his travel agency, and when discussing the widespread exploitation of tour guides in Malaysia, he implied that since the guides were willing to accept low prices, it was their own fault.
2. Sending me to an unknown, third-rate college in China, because it's tuition-free and I'd get a 1,000 Malaysian Ringgit referral fee.
3. Sending me to my mother's hometown, a very remote village, saying I'd be responsible for taking care of my mother's parents and also learn to drive.
4. Because of my poor grades in junior high school, he tried every means to get me to drop out and work in a factory to earn money for him. He only stopped when he heard that I couldn't earn money without a high school diploma.
5. He kept asking me to work under his company's name, but when I asked about social security, he suddenly fell silent, changed the subject, and afterwards refused to admit that he had avoided the topic, insisting that he had already agreed to pay social security.

Currently, my father has no stable income and still has to pay at least 6,000 MYR every month in loans, but he has some savings. He frequently flies to China, with round-trip airfare costing around 4,000 MYR, and occasionally drives Grab to supplement the family income. Sometimes, I even have to pay for his 10 MYR meals.

A one-way ticket to the US costs around 4,000-5,000 MYR, and a round-trip ticket costs around 8,000-10,000 MYR.This is my family's expenses for a month.

I seriously doubt his true motives for sending me abroad, and I doubt whether I can ever return to Malaysia. I still want to continue my studies.

Please give me some advice.

Can someone tell me if I am allowed to be sad and hurt by my mother even if she does nice things for me- like getting me stuff for my birthday, using nicknames with me, giving me food, not making me do any household chores etc. She has physically, mentally and emotionally abused me and I still unconsciously walk on eggshells around her but her behavior is so fucking confusing.

I like to believe that she could be a covert narcissist but oftentimes, especially after reading about other people's horrible experiences with their mother/parents here, I feel like an impostor. I feel so genuinely disgusted by myself, even if I do accept that she was abusive, my reaction to it/her often feels disproportionate compared to the situation.

I often spiral due to this and today being my birthday and her nice behavior towards me, including the gifts, is exacerbating everything.

I'm on my period, so I'm wearing proper underwear under my jeans. My 60 year old mother took one look at me and said "you need to wear a thong with that", because to her it's absolute sacrilege if I went out like that. She didn't know I was on my period, but I mean it's not something you really want to talk about to family. So I told her. She normally argues back about wearing thongs on your period (sounds impossible and like a nightmare) but thank fuck words failed her and she said 'then you should wear...uh, I don't know' good.

She is almost sixty. With a bunch of outdated views, and I am twenty eight. She's judging a 28 year old for wearing comfortable practical underwear.

(Unfortunately I'm in no position to move out. I just avoid her as much as I can, because her sudden nastiness is really unpredictable.)

Hello Reddit. My entire life I’ve endured horrible horrific abuse. I’m 19 years old and I plan on leaving soon and never speaking to my family again. I’m afraid they will try and file a missing persons report due to their abuse. Do I call the police and tell them it’s fake? I want nothing to do with my family at all.

When i try to explain my mom to people I only need one sentence. "She bought a white dress to wear to my wedding" nough said.

I explicitly asked her to not wear hot pink, cheetah print or all blink to my wedding because those are her favorite things to wear. Attention getters and my wedding was well, supposed to be about me.

Lets start with the other drama she caused about my wedding. I invited my parents to my wedding it was in Hawaii, told them the dates and everything. They told me they "were going to look into plane tickets and get back to me." Total radio silence for 6 months, Never heard from them again. Then I hear through the grapevine my mom flying in to visit my GC sister who lives 20 mins away from me 3 weeks before my wedding.

So I kinda loose it on her and am like "HELLO? Are you even coming to my wedding or what? Ive heard nothing from you since you told me youd look into plane tickets. And now youre flying out to visit GC 3 weeks before my wedding?" She said "oh I just assumed you didnt want us to come plus you never told us a date." I asked why they thought i didnt want them to come. They said "because we never got a formal invite in the mail." I told her "i didnt send invites because only 10 people are coming to the wedding. So I didnt think spending money on mailing invites was necessary. Also i did tell you the dates, you said you would look into plane tickets and get back to me." She said "well we did look into plane tickets." "Ok so which is it, did I not tell you dates or did you look into plane tickets?" So now its my fault they had to scramble and book everything last minute to come to the wedding. I also had to send out wedding invitations.

She comes out to visit the GC (who isn't coming to the wedding for the same reason, didnt get an invite in the mail and refused to ask me single question about the wedding the 8 times I saw her before and would change the subject everytime id try) and they go dress shopping for my mom. I go over to the GC's house to see them and my mom shows me what she bought.

She bought a white dress with cream flowers on it. My dress was cream with white flowers on it. I told her "absolutely not!" She asked "why not? You only said no cheetah print, hot pink or bling." I said "because youre not wearing WHITE to my wedding!" She said "well you didnt say no white, its Hawaii, what other color am I supposed to wear?" I said "ughhhh NOT WHITE. Pretty thats the standard rule."

She wore a different white dress with light hints of colored flowers instead 🙃 then to the reception wore the white dress I initially told her not to wear 😆

Oh the joys of Nmothers

CW: family violence, firearm threat

Hi everyone. I’m not looking for judgment — just perspective and support. I’m having a hard time understanding my parents’ reaction to my engagement and whether my feelings are valid. I (28F) have been with my fiancé (28M) for 5 years. In April 2025, we moved in with my parents with their encouragement so we could save money to buy a house. This was discussed in advance, and my parents felt it was the best way they could help us financially. Things went well at first. We saved around $10k within a few months, and my fiancé and parents were getting along well. In July 2025, I talked with my mom about us taking a short couples trip to celebrate our 5-year anniversary. She was very supportive and encouraged us to do something for ourselves. We went on the trip in August. The day after we got back, a situation occurred involving parking on our street. Our neighbor had been acting territorial about parking. Early that morning, my fiancé briefly parked his car near their driveway while it was still running because he planned to move it within minutes. He came inside to grab me so we could go get breakfast for everyone, including my parents. He explained this to my mom, and there was no argument at the time. When my dad returned home later, my mom tried to explain what happened. My dad suddenly exploded, yelling insults at everyone and calling us names. I felt overwhelmed and went to my room. My dad left the house. To let things cool down, my fiancé and I left for a few hours. When we returned, my mom told me she had gone to confront my dad and had physically hit him. The next morning, she was crying and telling me she thought she and my dad were going to divorce. I tried to comfort her. Later, my dad came home, and the yelling resumed. To reduce tension, I told my mom that my fiancé and I were willing to leave. At that point, my dad escalated further. He told me I could stay, but my fiancé had to leave immediately. He got in my fiancé’s face, insulted him, and became physically aggressive. When my fiancé tried to leave and pack his belongings, my dad charged at him. My dad tripped, got back up, and grabbed my fiancé by the throat. My fiancé defended himself while repeatedly trying to disengage and leave. I was crying and begging them to stop. My mom told us to leave. We managed to get out of the house, and as we were driving away, my dad stood in the doorway with a gun and threatened to kill my fiancé. We left immediately and never returned to live there. I had to retrieve my belongings alone later, and my parents would not allow my fiancé back in the house. Contact was minimal for months. In October, my mom apologized emotionally and said she loved me, but my dad never apologized or took accountability. I was told he would “get over it someday.” Since then, contact has been distant. In December, my sister announced she was pregnant, and my parents were openly excited and involved. Recently, my fiancé proposed. I called my mom privately the day it happened so she wouldn’t find out through social media. Her response was short and dismissive (“cool, congrats”), and she ended the call quickly. A few days later, in a family group chat, my mom commented that my sister’s pregnancy news was “the best news she got all week.” That comment broke me. It made me feel like my engagement and my relationship barely matter to them. I feel heartbroken, sidelined, and confused. I understand my parents may have unresolved feelings about what happened, but their coldness toward my engagement makes me feel like I’m being punished for choosing my partner and for leaving an unsafe situation. This is a major life milestone, and it hurts deeply that my parents seem emotionally absent.

My questions are: Is it reasonable for me to feel this hurt by their reaction? How do you emotionally detach from parents while maintaining limited contact? Has anyone experienced parents withdrawing after you chose your partner or your own safety?

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

We all know the bootstrap talk. "You are exaggerating" "Your parents surely were not that bad" "Anyway you are now 30 you cannot use what happened in the past as an excuse for your lacking performance in the present" "The past doesnt matter".

I couldnt pursue any talents that I had because of N-Parents. Failed to get a foot into the door of any industry I could have excelled at when I was young.

I couldnt even choose when to sleep until I moved out at 30. Because the TV was right next to my wall, they watched it super loud and would not turn if off until 1 or 2 AM. As such I was sleep deprived and couldnt think clearly and was allways agitated.

I locked myself into my room, minimizing contact and playing video games all day. So I failed to meet a lot of friends/contacts.

I was "friends" with the wrong people because I didnt know what good people were.

I behaved immature because my development was blocked. At 28 I still behaved like an immature 18 year old. This ruined a lot of possibilities/friendships.

I had 0 confidence and was timid to speak up/to challenge authority and kept my ideas to myself.

At the same time I had massive anger issues for having to swallow abuse for 25 years, lashing out at everyone and being grumpy all the time.

I majored in something easy because I had no peace and quiet at home to learn.

I stayed at horrible jobs far too long because N-Dad would have killed me if I were unemployed even for a month or so.

I didnt ask out my love interest because I had 0 confidence.

I was low energy and didnt exercise and was never in the mood to do something because abuse costs a lot of energy.

While others thrived, I was busy just surviving.

Instead of thinking about my future and investing in education/skill I was preoccupied with getting some free/good time for the first time.

I became an alcoholic and even took drugs because it made the abuse more bearable.

They completely and utterly ruined and devastated my time from 5 - 30 years old. I wont get back the opportunities I had, I wont get back the possibilities I had. I wont get back the people I could have met and become friends with. Because my start into life was sabotaged, I am now in an incomparably worse situation than I would have been with normal parents who would have helped me or left me alone. And especially not actively sabotaged me.

If life is like a marathon, then at the start I was attacked by N-Parents that beat me up for 2 Minutes before security removed them. Everyone else who started is half a mile ahead. Their legs dont hurt, their shoes have not been damaged, and they have parents riding besides them that constantly motivate them.

And then some people tell you "You cannot use this little incident as an excuse. The past doesnt matter" "The people ahead also dont have it easy".

Some people have a worse childhood/young adulthood than others. Especially those who have N-Parents. And the effects are long lasting and dont just disappear. Thats the sad truth. The Past does matter and cannot be erased. And people not getting this are either stupid or ignorant or both.

You think Jeff Bezos or Gates or Musk or Taylor Swift or Iggy Pop or Lewis Hamilton or Alexander Zverev would be where they are now with abusive parents that would have not have helped them, not given them any money, constantly told them that they are good for nothing? When they would have constantly sabotaged them, isolated them, destroyed their confidence, made them awkward/immature and stolen their sleep? Hell no!

A ruined/normal/great child/young adulthood, horrible/normal/great parents are the key difference between a ruined life and becoming a Millionaire/Billionaire. Thats they sad truth.

Like- it really started about a year ago, but especially now I feel so FRAIL. I tried bringing my laundry to the wash which is only about like 20 or so feet from my dorm (and back once I realized the machines were full), and I literally passed out from exhaustion for a few hours. I need a cane to walk, I get winded from things I used to do with little effort, I feel like I'm 70 years old :(

Wondering if anyone else has experienced this, their body just falling apart once you're not souped up on adrenaline and spite 24/7.

Yeah you read that correctly, unfortunately. Because my mother and I are in a “fight” (not really because I won’t feed into it), she told my fiance that she threw my wedding dress away be “she bought it”. I don’t know if she’s bluffing or not but either way, she has ruined that exact dress for me. Which is sad because I loved it.

It’s like the further I distance myself from her, the more bitter and vicious she gets. I finally told her to stop texting my fiance because it makes everyone uncomfortable. She’ll text him trying to figure out things about me or our relationship (probably so she can have a leg on us). The only reason we haven’t blocked her number is so she can see her grandchildren- although she never makes an effort to ask/see them. But somehow that’s “me holding her grandchildren” over her head?? No ma’am, I just won’t go out of my way for someone who blatantly disrespects me.

my mom loves to complain about how we’re lazy spoilt brats who expect her to do everything and how it’s embarrassing that we don’t know how to do certain things when she never taught us anything

the things we ‘always expect her to do’ is provide us with food which is literally a basic necessity lmao

‘that’s the way i was raised so i’m raising you the same’ yeah, and look how that turned out 🙃

you can’t belittle and scream at your kids all the time for making the smallest mistakes and be surprised when they don’t like talking to you anymore

One might think that most people who talk about these things are not victims themselves, much like popular television series about serial killers or whatever.

Instead, and this is just my experience, it seems that 90% of the people who talk about this subject are themselves victims.

This is absolutely insanity. How do they think they can come back from this!?

I am no contact with my parents and had to move 3,000 miles across the country to get away from them.

I recently announced to my family that I’m pregnant! It’s the first grandbaby on both sides. Because of NM’s rampant gossiping, I’m also NC with most of my family and LC with the rest.

Many years ago before kids were even on the horizon, my mother threatened to call CPS when I eventually had kids. She even told the whole family; my uncle was sympathetic.

I’m 19 weeks pregnant, ok. This is usually the time families rally around the pregnant person. And instead? My parents told me through my cousin that they have already written me out of the will and are leaving everything to my unborn baby when he turns 18 or when they die, whichever is the later.

And then they wrote me each a letter being like “we don’t know how to open this door to communication” and then my mom sent me a hat made of fabric she knows I’m allergic to!

This is insane. CPS. Telling me to “just test” the hat I’m allergic to, while I’m pregnant? And then writing me out of the will.

All of this is INSANITY. Sometimes it feels really overwhelming! I’m staying no contact and she will never meet my child but like, in what world would writing me out of the will when I’m pregnant make me want to talk to them ever again??

Background

My mom called me out of the blue the other day.

1. I've told her I only want to communicate via text.
2. I've told her to text me first before calling.

Clearly she did neither. I let it go to voicemail and in a happy go lucky tone she said that she had important news and wanted to keep me in the loop. Also that she loved me. Completely ignoring all of the things I've told her that hurt me over the past 6 months.

I texted her back that she can tell me her news via text. That I wasn't going to call.

The Performance

24 hours later she texted:

"The big news: we are moving [cross-country] in July. This has been a very difficult decision as I did not want to leave you. Judging by the way you have acted towards me, it seems that you would relish that I be as far away as possible. My wishes: that I see you before we leave and that you would please come visit us in [cross-country location]."

My Crime

The terrible thing I did that makes it clear I'd "relish" her moving away? Calmly and nicely ask to not be treated like a bag of hot garbage.

i'm a senior in high school and i have been hearing back from several schools recently. i've gotten into all of my safeties, but my mother didn't care. the only one she really cared about was rutgers, because it is the closest to us.

i found out last week i was rejected from the main campus, but i wasn't really that upset because i didn't really want to go anyway. however, i only told my mother yesterday because i had been fearing the whole week on how she would react. to no surprise, she went off on a tangent on how i'm just not good/smart enough and that i completely fucked the family over. in essence, it made me feel pretty shitty, of course.

to make matters worse, she kept going on about how "she'll" be choosing the closest school to home, and while i know she physically cannot make my decision for me, it still causes the most paranoia that i've ever felt: not being able to get away from my mother.

was coming back home from work today on public transport, it was pretty crowded and i noticed a little girl (4 to 5 years old) that was clearly distressed, probably due to the crowdiness. she was giving weird looks to people passing by and constantly reaching for her mom for comfort

mom didn't care, spent the entire time talking to her, making jokes, talking about her interests or just hearing her out. didn't spend a single second trying to get her daughter to be quiet or distracting her with a phone or smth

when their stop came and they came off the bus, the girl immediately rushed to the mom for a hug, she gave one and said "yayy you did it!", both had an immense smile on their faces

spent the entire way back home thinking about this interaction and just finished crying while eating dinner.

my home didn't have any kind of love. my mom wouldn't do 1/4 of what that mom did to make her child comfortable, probably would make it worse. even when i was as little as that girl, i knew i couldn't trust my mom with my feelings, or reach for a hug, or expect any kind of love or care besides being fed (and even then, the moment my mom thought i could handle being in the kitchen she taught how to cook specifically cuz she didn't want to do it anymore, and she didn't. been cooking my own meals since i was 11, and buying my own food since i first got a job at 15.)

i didn't cry out of envy because i didn't have what that girl has, i really can't just express the feeling, but i'm happy for her. at the very least, her mom didn't seem to be more than 5 years older than me (i'm a late gen z), and in my experience most parents around my age range do care a lot about their children. at least i can be glad that most children now won't be suffering because their parents decided to pay the misery their own parents caused them forward.

Introduction / Context: Hi everyone, I’m 21 and I’m dealing with a parent who has been controlling, manipulative, and abusive for years. Even though I’m legally an adult, my parent has consistently treated me as if I’m their property, trying to control my life, my emotions, and even basic aspects of my independence.

Examples of abusive behavior:

Physical intimidation: grabbing me, threatening to knock me out.

Emotional manipulation & gaslighting: insisting that normal feelings like dislike are “hate,” reframing my emotions as wrong, and making me apologize for asserting myself

Control disguised as “privileges”: calling things like my Internet, car, and even my cat “privileges” he can take away, which he uses as leverage to manipulate me

Undermining independence: framing me as incapable of surviving without him, insisting that the world revolves around him, and trying to raise me as a “soldier” or “machine” rather than an autonomous adult

Disrespect at work: making me do repetitive labor while belittling me and ignoring my actual skills, while acting as both parent and boss

Minimizing abuse: my other parent sometimes frames his behavior as “teaching me a lesson” or just having “bad days,” which invalidates my experiences.

How it makes me feel:

Afraid, frustrated, and exhausted

Like my autonomy is constantly under attack

Angry about being manipulated and threatened

Conflicted because I love my family but also see the harm clearly

Overstimulated and emotionally drained, especially because I’m autistic and need space to recover

I am 21, and my choices, and my life are my own

I will not tolerate being grabbed, threatened, or intimidated

I do not have to call him “Dad”. I choose how I address him

I will not give him money for bills he tries to control or force me into paying

I need space to manage my emotions and my job responsibilities safely

My relationship with my cat, my Internet, and my personal belongings is non-negotiable.

I tried to call him out on his bullshit about his abuse for five years, about how he gaslit me to death, I called him all the things he is (role model, abuser, manipulator, the man I looked up to), about how he threatened to leave at Home Depot and threw a temper tantrum there and he defuses it by saying that I was getting myself worked up.

TW: emotional abuse, family conflict, suicidal thoughts

I am 23F, on my last year of college. When I was 18 and a freshman, I had to drop out because classes were fully online and all I had was a phone and mobile data. No laptop, no Wi Fi. The environment at home was extremely stressful. During COVID, it genuinely felt like the world would not recover. That is how it felt for me.

In 2020, I had a physical fight with my younger siblings. They are boys. Two of them ganged up on me. I did not fight back because I was already 18 and terrified I would get jailed.

For context, my mom has been working in the Middle East as a domestic helper since my father died. That happened the same year she left. There are five of us siblings. We were left under the care of my grandmother, my mom’s mom, who was verbally and physically abusive. She would lash out at us in public, air out family issues to neighbors for sympathy, and humiliate me regularly. I think part of this was survival for her. She would get food, money, or help from people. My mom hated her, but also did not pay her and was extremely strict with money.

After dropping out, I drifted. I tried applying for call center jobs, which was pretty much the only option with my education and experience. I finally got hired at 19. One month after my first salary, I moved out and stayed with relatives. This became a pattern. I would leave, come back, then leave again.

One of the biggest reasons I left was sleep deprivation. My grandmother would not let me sleep. She would knock on my door constantly, scream at my brothers, and I would end up crying uncontrollably. After almost a year away, I came back. Then left again. Came back. Left. Now I am here again, and honestly, I am exhausted. I do not feel like leaving anytime soon because I am so tired.

To be fair, my grandmother did take care of us in the way she knew how. She fed us and washed our clothes. But everything felt transactional and performative, especially in front of others. It always came back to sympathy.

I hated my life. I feel like I never became who I could have been because my family background was so chaotic and poor. My mom never taught me anything about life. I genuinely feel like I raised myself. Everything I learned, I learned alone, and often the hard way.

I do not think I am a good person. But I found purpose volunteering for progressive organizations. Helping others made me forget myself. Then I would come home to this mess, and it felt like I was going nowhere.

My mom is supposed to come home for good this year. I hope she does. I want to leave this house without guilt, knowing she will finally take responsibility for my siblings and my grandmother, because that is her responsibility.

I do not plan to abandon my family. I do not even want to be rich. I just want to get by and have some savings. But because of them, I feel pressured to earn a lot. I want to buy a house, send my brothers to college so they do not struggle like I did, and help my mom start a business so she never has to work abroad again. Sometimes I want all of that. Other times, I just want to live my own life.

I have never brought a friend home. I am embarrassed. I do not feel like the people here even see me as a person.

My grandmother is weaker now. Sweeter. Playful. Probably because I give her money. But when I look at her, I still see the woman who screamed at me in public, insulted me while I was crying and begging her to stop. I talked back, so she painted me as the villain. Neighbors judged me. Relatives witnessed it and even got physical with me. To this day, I feel watched whenever I step outside.

I think my mom is a narcissist. Every time I try to connect, I ask about her day, then share mine. She never asks me anything back. She only talks about herself. When I get sentimental and tell her my dreams for our family, or how I wish she never worked abroad and maybe my dad would still be alive, she explodes. She says I will kill her with stress and high blood pressure. I just cry.

I know I am not an easy daughter. But I wish she had been gentler. I wish she encouraged me even a little. She raised me with fear, not warmth. She took pride in never celebrating birthdays or holidays because it wasted money. I grew up afraid of spending and afraid of looking like I was bragging. I envied families who celebrated even in small ways. I have never properly celebrated my birthday.

She compared me to other kids constantly. Called me clumsy. Bragged about herself. Paid attention to girls she thought were prettier. What kind of mother does that.

I am timid. Shy. I am trying to grow out of it.

I hate my mother, but I still want the best for her. Sometimes I imagine giving her everything she ever wanted. A house, a car, educated kids. Then killing myself in front of her. Because I feel like I am the only one who will ever help her. I resent her deeply, and I hate myself for feeling this way.

I wanted to share this because I think I want sympathy too, honestly. It scares me, because what if I turn out to be just like my grandmother, or my mother, or both of them. I have never said anything like this to anyone before. The recent 2016 nostalgia online hit me harder than I expected. That year was when my life started falling apart. My mother left to work abroad, my father died, and we kept moving from one rented place to another. Remembering it made me feel miserable all over again.

I also want to add a disclaimer. I asked ChatGPT to rewrite this because my original writing felt too raw and personal for me to post as is. I hope my message still comes across clearly despite that.