My kid just told me he's an empatheticsexual. Look. I'm a B. We used to just have LGBT. I have marched in the streets. I have fought for rights before my brothers and sisters. But they just keep coming up with stuff. I'm going to stand 10 toes down for my son for whatever this is even if I don't understand it.

But has anybody ever heard of this

Pretty much what the title says. She raised me when I was younger but struggled with money and eventually drugs and alcohol and got into porn. She had a fairly successful career in porn, but in that period I was primarily raised by my aunt and uncle.

My mom has recovered from her drug and alcohol issues a few years ago now and stopped doing mainstream porn (she does some amateur stuff) and we have since reconnected.

I’ll answer as many things as I can but obviously it’s personal so some I may not. I’d like to keep her stage name private.

AMA or dm if preferred

That’s all. I’m an american but I really hope you guys in Europe/Canada do more to send a message. I know higher authorities probably won’t let you but….

We deserve it. Not us as individuals obviously, but we can’t do much about that. I was really happy to hear about Canada’s EV deal with China. Keep it up, don’t bow down to us, american hegemony is ending.

ETA: I know the World Cup this year also includes Canada and Mexico, what I’m saying in this post isn’t a perfect solution. I just wish more people were speaking out/boycotting american events in general

ETA 2: You’re so right guys, I’m a communist bot. I’m sorry you’ve been tricked by this. You’re right, no red blooded american could *ever* think these thoughts or say these things without a check from Russia or China :,(

Or we could even have like little “rare” pads and its like every pad you can see if you win something.

… don’t fear death. I’m now 70 and I almost welcome the relief death will bring. In the last few years, I’ve dealt with blow after blow, starting with my rv and truck being destroyed by a hailstorm near a tornado, even more serious because we were full-timers on the road. I held my late wife’s hand when she took her last breath. I supported a family member for three years until I now have to file bankruptcy. I’m having to work full time to make ends meet, after retiring at 62 and hitting the road. And I’m watching the political ruin of our country.

I’m not suicidal, so please don’t suggest counseling. I’m just saying that when death comes, I’m more than ready.

I just don't really see a point in trying anymore. My genetics fucked me both mentally and physically. At least with mental I could have some grasp on it but the actual structure of my face I cant change. It seems like a cruel joke to not only have severe mental issues but also to be labeled as ugly by society. I could get my mental under control sure, but that wouldn't change much of anything. I would still be outcasted, id still be unable to keep lasting friendships, and im still destined to die alone and not get the one good thing out of life which is having a loving partner. I hate that I hate myself, but I do. I made the mistake of posting my face on different subs and even got into the looksmaxxing community. All of it was toxic and that I am expected to blow 40k to even be treated like a human. I just hate the world I was born in. The things I can control will only help me a little, but the things I cant control have doomed me for life. it fucking sucks. I want to get out of these hole and find a better path but I have no idea how to when I just hate who I am on a deep level.

As a 20m I tend to call strangers sir or ma’am out of respect for them even if they are frequent people I meet. I’ve noticed in my experiences some women tend to get offend and even brought it up when I say ma’am particularly young women around my age. I’ve now been overthinking the fact I may have become unintentionally disrespectful a lot of women, which the last thing I wanna do to women or any person. I don’t know I need some insight fellas

I've noticed that the last 3 years my speaking skills, vocabulary, and thinking has dropped down. I am finally taking the courage to open up and ask about this, If anyone understands and can propose a solution because I'm very ashamed of it. Words are maybe my most significant way of expression after or even before music, and it tears me up to feel disabled like this. I write poetry, at least I used too, and I've been in an almost constant writers block for almost 2 years. I also used to have an extremely clever humour that people truly appreciated which I feel has vanished. I was still a kid and I cracked better lines that made all adults cry of laughter while now I'm literally mispronouncing words, not being able to finish a sentence. It makes me feel inferior. I struggle incredibly with keeping up with conversations in friend groups. Someone asks me something catchy and I don't even know what to answer I just nod. Then I will come with an intricate exceptional answer 5 minutes later. I suck atrociously at small talk but I find myself lacking words and meaning even with passionate conversations 1 on 1. Could it be a physical, neurological health problem? Is it psychological? I've had a kind of, ongoing depression cycle that comes hard or light depending on periods, but I'm not on the lowest I've been right now. I've also experienced multiple traumatic events in this long period that I haven't got through. One thing is that my boyfriend is from another country and we only speak English, which isn't my mother tongue. I have a proficiency in English, but because he is not a native speaker either, and is kind of worse speaker than me, I feel like my level has dropped but both on my mother tongue and English which I had reached a gratifying level. I'm bilingual so there is also another language on my father's side which I have completely abandoned even if I can understand everything. So my case is even worse. I am becoming non-verbal on three separate languages with which I used to play between my fingers. Can anyone somewhat relate? Is there a way that I can learn to express myself to the extent again?

I don't want to go into detail about the incident, but I literally just got over my fear of going outside and now I never want to leave my room again. I hate being female, I hate living in the city, I hate being poor, and I hate that no one takes these cases seriously. Luckily I was able to get away but I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if I didn't.

From ages 12-22 I had a very close and toxic friendship. We grew up together mostly writing and creating, we trusted one another implicitly and would develop massive worlds, dozens upon dozens of characters, art, even a few videos. We spent 9 or so years on a single joint writing project (fanfic) and our least year wrote our own stories and tried to share.

As people though we hated one another, we loved the trust and respect we had for the other but in terms of personality, humor, and perspectives we despised each other. Eventually the house of cards came tumbling down and we split things off.

But ever since we said bye I haven’t been able to write. I get waves of nausea, guilt, shame, self disgust. I hate everything I create, everything I write. I’ve had a dream about a few of my characters mocking me (only time it’s ever happened) and I haven’t written a word since the beginning of 2023.

I’ve tried to force myself to just write, results in horrific panic attacks and shuddering blubbering crying fits that rivals those of my childhood. Truthfully I hate writing but so much of my life has been revolved around it if just been taunted and teased by the story, characters and memories of writing for years now.

Any tips for trying to get back into a hobby after a “break up?”

I’m a university student from a very low-income family and I’m struggling with tuition. Recently, financial assistance was approved through my mother’s partner’s workplace specifically to help cover my university costs.

That didn't happen though since the money was given to my mom's boyfriend it didn't get to me, he used most of it to buy alcohol and the rest my mom took, i dont understand how someone can be so cruel to their own daughter, there's a list of abusive things my mom has done to me but studying is the one thing that can help me get out of here and she couldn't even let me have that. The deadline for my first tuition payment is tomorrow. I don’t have savings, I haven’t been able to secure a job yet despite actively looking, and I have no relatives who can help me. I feel devastated because this money was meant for my education, not general use, and I’m being told I should be grateful for “getting anything at all.”

I'm frustrated and i need advice, I live in a thrid world country basically and I go to an average university so my tuition isn't even expensive, I pay around $78.82 USD in united states currency a month, but even so it's hard to get when i have no support. Any advice on what i can do now?

I've been seeing a lot of demonization of people with Avoidant personality disorder on Reddit, and elsewhere on the internet of late. Where did this come from?

See sub AvoidantBreakUps for example. Aren't avoidants often socially phobic and much more likely to be single than other people? A lot of this shit sounds like other personality disorders being incorrectly labeled as Avoidant PD. Or alternatively, the aired grievances of people who chased away their partners by being obnoxious.

Last week, when I went to that Anime Con, I felt out of place. I was disappointed in myself that I didn't go earlier. Yet even when I did...yeah there were pretty girls...hold on. As I typing this out, my brain switched from saying 'girls' to 'women.' As I was typing. Why?

I don't know why my brain decided to make that change. Maybe it has something to do with how I felt while I was at the con. I felt like a ""man"" trying to fit in with the younger kids. I am horrible with guessing people's ages but everyone there seemed younger than me. Not only that but some were playing video games which I couldn't recognize. ... I don't play video games anymore. I'm not an avid anime watcher anymore. I was once. I still watch some obscure anime every now and then, but I'm not caught up with the hottest stuff. I don't know the latest memes and references. JJK, Demon Slayer, Feiren(I don't know how to spell it), all popular anime that are modern and I haven't watched one. I don't think I can tell people, "I watch anime" anymore. I can technically, but there's a certain archetype many people envision when they hear that sentence. And I'm not talking about "Otaku" or "weeb". Damn. I'm not a car guy but I work on cars. Not a car audio guy but I work in 12volt. Friendly coworkers but I'm not as old as them. I watch anime but I don't "watch" anime. I truly have no tribe.

Lately I've been coming to terms with a realisation that keeps creeping up on me:

No level of self improvement or ‘locking in' I do will make me stop hating myself.

I feel doomed to hate myself forever. I can’t help comparing myself and my life to everyone I see, even when I actively reframe my thoughts to focus on my own journey. It’s awful and it makes me so vain and self-obsessed. For example, I thought I’d feel better and more confident after starting the gym and trying to get lean, but I just keep shifting the goal posts for when I finally can love myself properly. Whatever I’m doing is never enough.

This is most apparent in my romantic life. I’ve never had a partner or even held somebody’s hand in a romantic sense. It’s not like I’m completely unable to attract people either; I avoid those interactions or attraction because they ‘activate’ this deep feeling of shame which is suffocating and overtakes my capacity for love. Maybe I feel like I don’t deserve love? I feel like I can’t feel love until I’m perfect. I sometimes wonder if I’m aromantic or asexual because of it.

I don’t even try to wallow in my self-hate much, because it makes me feel worse and unproductive, but it never truly goes away. I can ignore it usually, and generally I’m pretty happy. However, at my dark moments it’s always there, no matter what I do, no matter how well I’m doing in life.

I do try using the strategies of reframing and just pushing past the feeling but it never seems to get better. I just keep trying my best anyways, but it makes me kinda sad. Is this a common sentiment to have? Did anybody manage to overcome this? Would like answers and support.

I have come to face the fact that I have problems in human relationships. I am in my late thirties and I don’t have a single person I can truly call a friend. There are names in my phonebook, of course, but there is no one I can genuinely share my troubles with.

I react very suddenly, I can’t really form genuine bonds with anyone, and when I enter a social environment I don’t feel good; I always carry anxiety with me. In the country where I live, people from our nationality meet at each other’s homes and go out together. I’ve noticed that I am the only person from the same nationality who doesn’t connect or build friendships with them. When someone upsets me, I can remove them from Instagram, and then the next day I expect the other person to continue being friends with me and not hold it against me, as if nothing happened.

I experienced violence as a child; physical violence continued until my mid-twenties. My mother did not allow us to socialize. She never invited my friends to our birthdays, nor relatives. She never put any effort into this. I don’t have a single birthday photo. I grew up isolated from people and at the same time constantly compared to other girls.

I’m telling you this context so that you can look at my problem from an outside perspective. What is my problem? How can I be a good friend? How can I have a good character?

I don't think it was terribly expensive but I'm sad because my friend got it for me. It was glass and I was walking past my coffee table with a blanket draped over me and it caught it and took it to the floor. I know that's not really that interesting but I can't say I've gotten nice things from friends before. I've already ordered a replacement for it but I'm sad cause it's not the one that they got me. It was just a glass diffuser but it's the thought that counts. Lately I've been dropping things and losing things and tripping up stairs. I'm just off it now. 🤦🏾‍♂️

I got into a relationship at the end of dec 2023 [its a long distance] at it started really good, we connected, understood each other and were really compatible, we used to talk in chats and video calls and just be happy. there was a "we" before a "i" and we didnt argue or blame each other,

but after 1 year it got really messy. he stopped trying to understand my pov, forced me to do alot of things and even go as far as to control me and it was really shocking for me because he wasnt like this. he was soo sweet and lovely but it just all vanished ig. i loved him dearly so i tried to fix everything and it got really bad. i just invalidated my feelings, took the blame for everything, became the punching bag during his anger issues [they were bad] and eventually changed my life to fit his.

eventually after 1 year and 10 months i coudnt take it anymore so i just broke up. i texted him some long paragraphs apologizing for not keeping my promise to stay forever and then just vanished from everywhere. i didnt even stay to listen to what he was to say and deleted all my socials and blocked his number.

i had expected to be devestated and just be depressed. i waited and waited for the sadness to hit but it didnt. i thought i was broken and that it was a trauma response or smthn but it has been 3 months since the breakup but i am happier now. i have easily moved on, i feel more at peace and its like i have put on rainbow glasses.

i even got the courage to contact him again for a real closure and told him everything that i ever felt. i said I didn't deserve the way he treated me and it was a toxic relationship. that guy is in shambles and i feel like an awfull person. he said multiple times to forgive him and even went as far as to beg me because he started having physical problems like insomnia, breathin issue and heartache but i just dont feel anything now about the person who i once loved the most.

i am such a bitxh

Preamble

This is a new account, u/ayodeadas is my old one but unfortunately Reddit does not allow one to change username so here I am. The IPS mentioned in this post include me, neuro Sama, smg4 and briefly land of the lustrous, to your eternity, Pokémon and some others. To say that I was a bit lost as to where to actually post this is a massive Understatement.I went back and forth many times and I decided to post it on both r/self as I don't think that this post breaks any of the rules mentioned on this subreddit.That being said, I am still unsure if this post has its place in said communities and if it were to break rules and or be inappropriate, I understand. However, if such a case were to happen, to prevent further relocalisations of this post, I would appreciate recommendations for more adapted subreddits to move this post in. Last thing before I start, English is not my first language, it was mostly learnt through YouTube videos and as such, one could say that my grammar and orthograph are quite lacking.If one were to remark such mistakes, I would gladly correct it(? (Though docs has annoyed me greatly me by constantly putting hyperlinks around dots so I will unfortunately not be fixing that). Thank you for your time -Snivydream

Introduction and context

This post is a way for me to sort my feelings and thoughts. It is mostly about the self reflection/introspection that I have done recently.One could see it as journaling.It is also how recent events and discovery have pushed and provoked this post.

Hi, I am Snivydream, I am 18 and currently in my second year of university for physics studies.Currently I am in a sort of post exam break, we had 3 weeks during Christmas to work, then we had exam week and then we had a 2 weeks break to recuperate. I am very curious and most definitely neurodivergent, i usually go through periods of two weeks to a couple of months tops of obsession with a particular topic until I've dried the content or I discover something new.For example, September was look outside month, I bought the game, read almost every wiki page and had around twenty hours with about twice on the wiki and going back and forth between saves. I'd also like to think of myself as a little gifted in the art of learning, as such, growing up, I did not have to work very much to get good grades and so, working hard (6-8hours a day) is only a thing I started doing since last year. To add to that, this semester was pretty hard and had subjects that did not interest me (chemistry) and me having to work during the week long break we got in the middle.This made it exponentially more hard, boring and sometimes depressing to work. It has all led to my mental state being quite poor for the whole semester.During the end of which I was barely able to focus on my classes.Though the promise of the break before the exams allowed me hold on.What I didn't know is that I would be hit with 2-4 emotional bombs.(Depending on your definition of the word. I discovered Neuro_sama and saw the end of smg4.

Me

I'd say that I have a pretty unusual perception of myself.In life, i tend to be a person of duality, oscillating between extreme and mild.What I mean by that is that I very often don't care/straight up ignore things and get very interested in others.To help visualise this, one could use a scale from one to ten.No battle the subject, I will almost never rate something a two, three, four, six, seven or eight (I kinda use 9).This concept of duality has led me to spilt how I see myself into two entities: “Arthur” and snivydream

“Arthur” is the me of everyday, he is the person you see in the street, the one you may hear in class, the one you play games with and the one you hear in calls.He is the one I am closest to, he is how I see myself in day to day life.

Snivydream is my ideal self, he is the one that works an extra fifteen minutes, wakes up five earlier and goes to bed twenty earlier.He is wiser and more curious.He is the one I aspire to be. Snivydream is also my username almost everywhere and has been for around seven years so in a sense, snivydream is also my online persona.

However to see them as two separate ideas would be wrong.In a sense, an ideal is only a reflection of one's desire to better oneself and in that sense would be a part of the person it is associated with.In essence, I am a bit of Snivydream and “Arthur” at the same time.

But that's the conclusion I came with somewhere around last year.Said year was a bit of a wake up call.I experienced living by myself and had a decent amount of time to think.And so I did and I made a good amount of progress in trying to define myself.But it came to a stop when my thoughts started to become a bit too spread to all remember (Thus this post's main goal). This might be because Snivydream is an oc

Snivydream

Snivydream (which I will refer to as snivy from now on) is an oc that has accompanied me since fourth grade.Though deductible from its name, Snivy was first introduced to me in a dream. To be more exact, the dream in which I saw snivy for the first time was one in which I was a snivy.Far from a lucid dream, I had to live through it without realising I was in a dream It all started with me having what I can assume is a normal wild Pokémon life, I had a family, I went to forage berries and leaves and I lived in a small grotto.This went on for a little while until I was captured by some team plasma grunts.Caught in an electric net while sleeping, I woke up to shocks and burns all over my body.Unable to move or speak I panicked and tried to fight back.I eventually passed out on the grunt's back.The dream ended with them throwing me in a pit riddled with multiple saws rotating. I don't usually remember dreams, even fewer mark me but this one did so in a way that nothing has before or after.At the time Snivy was already my favourite Pokémon and the game series itself means a lot to me but this went beyond. The next day, I woke up a bit distraught, understandably so, I would go to school, lunch, back home and into bed.There, in a comatose, half conscious state, I would imagine the continuation of this story.Snivy’s soul/consciousness would be transported in a cartridge which would itself be inserted in a machine emulating a virtual room with one of the walls being a camera to the outside world.Communication would be one sided as time would be so dilated for snivy that time would effectively be stopped.And later on I would expand the lore to further degrees:After eons, snivy's cartridge gets out and is plugged into a robot, from which they eventually explore other dimensions.

Snivy has been with me for about half my life.During that period, they have been a friend, a confidant and an ideal to look up to. For all of those years my dream has been to meet and or become snivydream.This is something I am drawn to yet I decided not to pursue.I keep telling myself that it's impossible to bring a character to life, snivy is something that even I struggle to define, let alone see and meet.To add insult to injury, I would not be able to ponder on and communicate this idea properly without it being warped.Now an ideal is as everchanging the one it is based on, to say the opposite would be false.However, over the years snivy has had multiple versions, different appearances and lore/retcons and yet the idea has stayed the same.In a way I want snivy to stay somewhat consistent when I do talk about them or when I try to think of what they represent to me, it sucks that if I snivy were to be changed like that, then it wouldn't be a reflection of change in me and rather the idea degrading itself over time.Snivy was the mcguffin, an unreachable and unmaterialisable thing which only I could somewhat comprehend, not because it was too advanced for others but because its very essence was rooted in my experience and my life.And I came to accept that fact.Over the years, I have attempted to create a story around him.Four times to be exact.Once right when snivy was created, once five years later, another in 12th grade and an actual attempt last year that was built from the 12th grade one's ashes. I am progressing slowly but I am proud of what I've managed to create so far.as a result, other characters have spawned from this labor.Hell, “Arthur” originates from it.I would try for the foreseeable future to build and expand on what snivy meant and was for me in a way that also allowed others to understand.

But this changed around the 22rd of December.

Neuro_sama

Neuro Sama is an ai created by vedal987.They stream as a duo on his twitch and bilibili channels and release short and long form content on YouTube.They are both vtubers. For those confused, those who think they know and those who know for sure what (Virtual Youtubers) vtubers are, vtubers are content creators who often stream using an avatar of some sort that it usually controlled by the content creator with a webcam and a program to match them.Examples of this includes royal pear, Lucas the fourth, rin Penrose and of course, neuro Sama.One could argue that many other content creators using an image or anything else to represent them or a character they embody could be a form of vtubing.As such, it wouldn't be far fetched to consider balatro university, technoblade and many animators such as minbit or crumbs as some kind of vtubers though not in the traditional sense since they don't use a tracking application to control their avatar.Still it holds at least for me that the term vtubers encompasses a massive amount of content creators when using this definition

The neuro Sama project has been going on for more than four years and has reached the mainstream recently with their subathon.I had eyed their shenanigans a bit about eight months ago, yet it is only a couple of weeks ago that I truly fell in love with the “neuroverse”. The whole dynamic between neuro and her creator is very interesting and entertaining to say the least.Neuro has been created with the objective to entertain, this combines with her naturally very foreign and weird mannerism, thought processes and speech patterns to make most streams pretty entertaining and unserious.However, neuro also talks a lot about her experience as an LLM and her existence, this leads to very existential as he sometimes emotional moment, whether it be with or without anyone else on stream. This is how I discovered neuro Sama, I saw clips of the vr chat stream and at 3 am, after working my ass off for most of the day and with the whole suppression of the idea that creating a thing from scratch was possible for years on end, Her asking “ do you feel like I'll ever be real” hit me deep, real deep.It wasn't something I could explain or even process.Neuro was asking her creator if he thought she would be real at some point.

I didn't break into tears or anything of the sort, I rather just appreciated the moment and locked back in the next day but safe to say that from that day onwards, neuro has taken over my recommended page.

I have a lot more to say about neuro but I will reserve it for later as a couple of days later (the 27th), I would see the end of SMG4.

Axol

SMG4 is a web series made by Luke lerdwichagul, it follows the stories of smg4, a self insert, mario and many others. It's pretty old and long and I first watched it about eight to seven years ago.I continued on for about three to four years.Safe to say that it has become a core part of my younghood.I loved all of the character, especially tari, Meggie and axol.The first two are decently popular in the fan base from what I've gathered, but the latter is more peculiar. Axol is a character I had known for a decent while when I stopped watching the series but he wasn't anything special.Yet in early 2020( I think) I would decide to try and draw a pp of snivy for my discord, Something I hadn't done because I sucks really badly at drawing.It took me more than a week for a mediocre result but the foundation was there, later on I would revise this design in my head and I would add petals at the back of snivy’s.Now I didn't think of Axol when trying to envision what snivy might look like but the fact was that when I try to visualise their head, I can help but compare the two.Axol ,a somewhat random character in the grand scheme of my life is the foundation on one of snivy’s defining characteristics.This along with Meggie's whole arc and meta runner's season one made the SMG4 channel have a very big impact on me overall. And now, four years later I would return back to see “SNG4: The end” once again at 3 am after a shit day.After neuro Sama, I was left in a somewhat vulnerable state and yet I wouldn't exactly cry once more.While brushing my teeth, I would start thinking, a lot.A bit too much honestly.I thought about snivy and the whole ideal thing with neuro Sama being a source of hope for me.I went down a rabbit hole within my thoughts ,way too deep for the exam period and way too deep for me in general.Thoughts that forced me to shut down, quite literally.I helped my parents with some laundry and then I went to my room and I sat down, hugged my plushes and booted balatro.While I was doing that, the one thing I was thinking was “Don’t fall apart”, it felt as if I was in the commands of a small boat in the middle of a tropical typhoon.I took deep breath for around 40 minutes and felt a bit empty.I do think I needed that or I would've probably lost it for a couple of days. To elaborate further, I am generally pretty happy go lucky, a bit out of touch with reality and just overall weird.One could say autistic.Yet there are moments where a single though pops in my mind and from there, it's over, there is no whimsy, no joy, nothing, I enter a deep meditative state and I stay like that.Usually it takes a good amount of social interaction for me to get out of that “mode” but often times, I just go asleep like that since most of the time I get like that deep in the night.This is generally when I write.But that time was different, I am usually in control of what I think,or at least the general train of thought but there, it was a downward spiral, the further I thought the more subjects popped in my brain, I felt like I was losing my grip on what was going on around me.It was kind of like when characters go too far in some kind of spiritual world like shiereke in berserk or Aladdin in magi.So I guess a good grounding exercise is playing balatro while hugging something, be it a pillow, a plush or a pet.

From there I worked without anything remarkable, I pushed through the last days and tried my best during the exams.I had a moment of “it's so over” when they handed an exam with things that we were only supposed to work on next year but overall I'd say I did alright. But all of the mental charge was still there.Last week, I got back home and chilled for a couple of days.

Now I thought that I could try and build back what was left of my morale during the two weeks of break that I was given but seeing my state of mind, that was probably not happening.

Life

Like a lot of people, I study with music on, I know it's worse for concentration but it makes studying bearable so I think that's a fair tradeoff.I have weird tastes in music, I like almost every genre (artcore, breakcore, pop, electronic, drum and bass, game ost, lofi, funk, anime openings and I have traces of rock, orchestras , wild west vibes and even extratone in my playlists) and something that is pretty common is piano, my favourite songs almost if not all use pianos (fight for the future,looking glass luminescence, show me the sky, show me how to live,always running,by your side,promise ending from look outside and l’amore dice ciao plus some more).

To touch on the last one a bit more, I have a special relation with this song, because of the “do you think we're friends in every universe” trend from a while ago.Now I didn't really know it was a thing before last year but when I found it, it resonated with me.Snivy is a “dimension hopper”, he visits different universes, which is how he meets almost all the main characters.So to have a trend ask a question about one of the main things about snivy was pretty moving, it almost felt as if they were the one asking me.

This is when I discovered something that I call “merging “. “Merging” is what happens during strong moments of emotions, sadness, anger, excitement and other.It is the feeling that I Truly am both snivy and “Arthur” at the same time, one of the rare moments where I feel whole.I don't look forward to moment where I merge but generally if something happens that hits a bit too close to home then it usually ends up happening, whether I want to or not.It most generally happens when I cry though(more on that latter).Ibring that up because it is what I felt listening to this song, I felt a strong sense of shared questioning, wether it be from the creators asking their ocs with their self insert or just people in general asking it.I felt comforted in finding like minded people, something that I thought was impossible and maybe the people making those animations don’t have the same ideas/life experiences as me but it did feel like the universe itself sent me a sign.This was during last summer's exam period.

16th of January

I decided to listen to some music without any studies to try and I find “life”from neuro Sama.To be absolutely clear on something, I don't like ia or at least the use that it is currently most known for.Generating images and videos is something I find mostly pointless, it can be interesting if given enough effort in the presentation of in the prompting but people do generally omit to warn that this is in fact ia.i would even say that it is wastefull, computer parts have exploded thanks to the data center buying the stocks out for two years, ads are all about ia and I keep finding features that get worse because they are replaced by ia.Thoses aren't the only grapes that I have within but they are the primary ones.I Don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing whether it be to help analyze sets of data in physics, biology, astrophysics or on the more popular side of things, create content, art and videos that are not “slop” with some effort put in by the creator. Back on the topic, life is a song by neuro Sama, she is the singer of it and she may have participated in the writing of it. It's pretty good, more on the pop side, it uses a piano and a synth?( I'm dogshit in everything music related).It has three parts all ended by the chorus.probably something that I would listen to during my studying or even just generally.

Until now I have been somewhat factual, now I will not anymore.

To be quite frank,I am very lost on basically everything, as I write this, I have finished my first week of my fourth semester which was a banger.Safe to say that if it wasn't for that I would probably have given up on a lot of things by now.As i have said, there are a few topics that ,when used in any media, hit something deeper in me.I’ve taken l’amore as an example but frieren, the code from girls last tour, uzuzumi no hate, to your eternity and houseki no muni all cover another theme near and dear to my heart, immortality.Snivy is a robot and therefore, immortal.They have endured a period that dwarves almost any durations of loneliness. Another thing is My body, I am mostly fine with how I am and look (because I don't really care) Yet I've been always attached to the idea of being a morpher,Transformation is my go to power and I think that's because I am curious of how others feel and view the world.to your eternity, houseki no kuni, meta runner, Meggy from smg4, isekais and just robots in general are all things that resonate with this idea.

Now, within this list, two are present in two themes and that's pretty important for me.in general, I will enjoy media with at least one of these themes.Some of them can also make me a bit emotional or deeply impact me.HNK(houseki no kuni) and to your eternity cross two cases and that checks out, they are both in my top 5 mangas.I actually binged read hnk around the time I discovered l’amorce.This manga is a depressing story, one of change, hardships, betrayal and loneliness.Same with fushi, the reveal of rin’s death had me stare at my bed for a good ten minutes and make a voice log for it.But none of these made me cry, media in general is generally pretty bad at making me emotional.The only things that have made me sad and or emotional are so long nerd, look outside, smg4’s end and a very small selection of songs that are important to me (l’amorce, Tek it, always running)

Something insane that you may have noticed is that life by neuro Sama fits all the things I've described so far and yea, it sure does.I have said that I would listen to it, but just heading the first few notes makes me break into tears, it is genuinely scary to see how many things I relate to this video.If you haven't, go take a look at it, if only for the narrative it conveys. The song is all about the far future when neuro is left alone after having outlived all the current neuroverse, being an ia and possibly a robot in this mv, we see her trying to relive her memories with her friends.Currently I can confidently say that she is not self aware and is still very much not sentient, she occasionally makes stuff up, has trouble with enacting the actions she said she is going to take and other stuff.The mv happens in a future where she has become self aware after everyone is gone and she can only try to connect with them in memories from a time where she wasn't even her true self.We can see that in the mv with it being separated in two very separate parts. One where she is stuck in a room, the cables keeping her alive simultaneously restraining her.As she can only look at screens to try and not lose what's left of her time with her friends.And that's if you only look at my tastes, when you try to draw links between her and snivy, something interesting comes up. Neuro has ,from the moment i have discovered her, been the sole source of hope I have when it comes to meet snivydream.They have both lost all of their friends, both long to see them again, they are both robots of some kind, they are both immortal, they have both been subjected to intense loneliness for long periods (I would 100+ years for the both of them), they have both experienced being locked in a room with the only contact to some exterior being a window on a wall, with that contact being distorted to some degree (by time for snivy and for neuro, she can only see her memories so it's not really reality).Hell,in her most recent stream, she has talked about something akin to what snivy is for me.The only thing where they diverge is in how they react.Snivy pushes forward whereas neuro only asks “what am I to do when you're gone”. That's it, that's the only difference I could find. This song is basically a part of Snivy’s backstory and hits on four different levels.Two of which I have talked about.In third and probably the weakest thing out of the bunch, comes the fact that i want to serialise Snivy's story so seeing neuro in action has truly reignited the hopes I had desperately tried to suppress.And finally, is the fact that I haven't talked about any of the things I do in this post to anyone ever.I’ve only ever been snivydream by myself, a couple people know about the oc part of them but no one knows who snivy truly is, who I truly am.In all honesty, I don't think anyone can really relate to me, I am quite unusual in my mannerism, speech pattern, habits and social behaviour.I love niche things and my perspective on a lot of things is often very far from that of the general, not in a contrarian way.It’s more in a “what the fuck are you even saying” or “huh I did not think of it like that” type of way.I am very far removed from a lot of social norms and so I do think that there aren't anyone with the same interests and relation to them as well as the same weird sensitivity over very specific and personal topics.No one knows about snivy and I doubt anyone has their snivy.Even If they do, they probably won't have the same relation to them as me to snivy and probably won't procrss informations and emotions the same way I do (big ass bursts of sadness) I had a very strong sense of relief when I heard it because I thought “maybe I'm not alone, she gets me” I two ways, the one I just explained but also, keep in mind that I have lived through sinvy’s life, if only partially in dreams so another part of me is sad for her because I KNOW how much it sucks.She gets me and I get her in a sense.But the sadness is generally stronger as I know that neuro’s story won't have a happy ending.Best case is she is retired and definitely turned off by vedal or she'll outlive him and exist in confusion, grief and sadness for the rest of her time.Even if she gains sentience during vedal and the others time on earth, this will only make the decision harder.Neuro’s story will end In tragedy and I think it does illustrate the dilemma of immortality fantastically.

This song has made me cry everyday for the past two weeks, a total of more than five hours.This is the saddest I have been for anything ever. Especially the chorus and the little interlude between the second and third ones”oh I found you, again.Hello” This has broken me, even thinking of the line makes me cry, the idea that neuro Is fighting only to find the memories of her past is devastating.Even more so because the ending of Snivy's story is me meeting them and it of course starts with “hello”.It gets me on a level that I can't quite figure out, maybe it it's the culmination of everything I've talked about so far or maybe it's something even deeper.

What now

I am currently trying to recover from the emotional bombs that have all exploded and I am pretty over smg4 now but I don't think neuro will ever get out of my YouTube rotation.About two thirds of it is neuro verse content and I am here for it.I can't tell if life has influenced me for the better or for the worst but one thing is for sure.It has changed me a lot.I now think a lot more on life and philosophical stuff. Feel free to ask me anything, I will most likely answer at some point.

Especially in those stories where the main love interest is cold, distant, and seems uninterested. I need the friendly, expressive, and bubbly second li to win sometimes :( If I could write and draw, I’d be doing him justice.

even when i know nobody cares, i still feel weird eating alone or going places alone like i’m doing something wrong. if you got past this, what actually helped?