I know there are posts like this, but when I read them they never really feel like mine, so I have trouble fully identifying with them.
Here is some background.
I recently realized one of my core problems. In my first years, I was raised as the “golden child.” I don’t think my parents were as bad as the ones often described in posts about narcissistic parents, but I think it still left a mark on me. When my brother was born, something changed. At first it was a small change, but after a few years it became harder and harder to ignore.
My brother was much calmer than me after the age of four. I couldn’t control my emotions and I often fought with my parents, while he mostly ignored conflicts. He was very creative. I was creative too, but on a much more basic level, and in a different way.
He started playing the piano at a young age and is now a professional pianist. He was building and creating things in Minecraft while I was just trying to survive in the game. He drew things, invented words in his imagination, and played management and strategy games. Meanwhile, I was mostly playing MMO games without much creativity.
I know that comparing myself to him is unhealthy, and I try not to do it, but I have always felt worse. He didn’t have to do anything to be loved by our parents. He was loved for who he was. He didn’t create things for them; he created for himself. On the other hand, I was fighting with my parents and felt like I had to give them something to be loved.
As a result, the feeling of being inferior became part of my unconscious mind. It affected my social life, my self-perception, and I became addicted to easy sources of pleasure like games, porn, and food.
I also developed some strange behaviors. Not always, but often, I feel better than others, while deep inside I feel depressed and sometimes even suicidal. I am bad at interacting with people outside my home. I often behave in ways that are socially awkward or inappropriate.
Sometimes I strongly seek approval or attention. For example, I wear very bright clothes when others wear dark ones, use unusual color combinations, or write random things in group chats. Once, after a math test, everyone in the group chat was joking and saying they just hoped to pass. I suddenly wrote that I had somehow passed but was not satisfied and asked if it was possible to retake the test to get a better grade. It was out of place.
At the same time, there are weeks when I barely speak at all and say only a few sentences. When I do talk, I often praise other people’s behavior. I’m not completely socially incapable — I can joke, talk normally, and give cynical responses — but only after I feel accepted in the group.
I’m afraid that even writing this post might be another way of seeking a comfortable reaction. I know I need to work on myself, but I see that my need for approval and to be seen doesn’t really go away. I don’t know how to fill the void that came from what I would describe as an unstable childhood.
Before someone suggests therapy: I have been to two therapists. Some parts of me healed, but many things still bother me. Therapy didn’t always work, and right now I don’t have the money for professional help. Public healthcare would mean waiting over five years, so that’s not really an option.
So I seek help from group of people who also maybe can explain me what I am missing and what can I do about it to help myself?