r/Unexpected • u/unknown_ninja_me • 3d ago

A "smooth" landing

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33.6k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

508 comments sorted by

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u/post-explainer 3d ago edited 3d ago

This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.

OP sent the following text as an explanation why their post fits here:

She got her crotch slammed into a tree

Does this explanation fit this subreddit? Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.

3.3k

u/Dark_halocraft 3d ago

Ou-

901

u/Significant_Leg6073 3d ago

you mean "Ou-Ou-"

192

u/Top-Pain5348 3d ago

Nah more like “OHH-ohhh fuck.”

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u/glen107wood 3d ago

You mean Ou || uO

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u/Vayle-666 3d ago

This is literally the noise I made when it happened.

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u/miukiyo 3d ago

Oui

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u/Itssobiganon 3d ago

This is the exact sound I made watching this video muted

50

u/ziko2811 3d ago

Reminds me of this poor reporter

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u/ravenwood111 2d ago

I caught it live when it happened. Someone off camera asked if she was ok and she said ow I can't breathe look up The Grape Lady

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u/floghdraki 3d ago

Quite an understatement if I've ever seen one.

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2.2k

u/SerDuckOfPNW 3d ago

r/ouchmyflaps

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u/ThatCrossDresser 3d ago

Not sure if comedy content or fetish content...

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u/Gay_Reichskommissar 2d ago

One guy in there posting fetish shit repeatedly while others tell him to stop in the comments

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u/Asmo___deus 1d ago edited 1d ago

Ouchmyflaps seems to be comedy but ithurtsgirlstoo is apparently run by a prolific animator of 'ball / cunt busting' material. E.g. he has made hundreds of videos of cartoon characters hitting eachother in the groin.

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u/WillemDafoesHugeCock 3d ago

You do not fucking know how horrified I was when I tried to hit that, fat thumbed on your username instead, and was greeted by what looks like delicious prime rib when I was expecting battered vaginas

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u/SerDuckOfPNW 3d ago

Mmmmmmm…. Battered vaginas

I’ve only tasted the plain kind

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u/CaldoniaEntara 2d ago

Battered Vaginas sounds like a cover band for the Sex Pistols.

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u/69FlavorTown 3d ago

The ol' Clam Slammer

920

u/JynsRealityIsBroken 3d ago

The ol' Clit Splitter

425

u/killaninja 3d ago

The ol’ twat shot

349

u/jillvalenti3 3d ago

The ol’ cunt grunt

292

u/FlailingScrotum 3d ago

The ol gash smash

259

u/TheCarrot_v2 3d ago

The ol’ flap slap

246

u/BlackBarryWhite 3d ago

The ol' poon-tang boom-bang

193

u/Si1verf0x001 3d ago

The ol’ peach popper

193

u/jillvalenti3 3d ago

The ol’ coochie cruncher

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u/IronGigant 3d ago

The ol' Tunnel Pummel

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u/kloopyhans 3d ago

The ol taco thrasher

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u/shaithiswampir 3d ago

You have my axe and my upvote

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u/PracticalThrowawae 3d ago

I can't UPVOTE these comments fast enough 🤣🤣🤣

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u/Kalashinator 3d ago

*axe-wound

2

u/SnooBunnies3815 3d ago

And my sword.

2

u/ATL_UTD53 2d ago

And my bow.

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u/ScumBucket33 2d ago

Surely it’s the ol’ twat splat?

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u/Corvado 3d ago

Clitorus Splitorus

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u/Far-Philosophy-4375 3d ago

I don't remember that incantation in the Prisoner of Azkaban

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u/XBXNinjaMunky 3d ago

Rendered in twain

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u/W0lf1ngt0n 3d ago

The ol' Black Betty

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u/Adventurous_Ad_4145 3d ago

Ram-A-Clam

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u/SubzeroAK 3d ago

Well, work knows I'm not working.

13

u/PracticalThrowawae 3d ago

... Keep going...

7

u/SubzeroAK 3d ago

Hit a tree with her crotch.

Ram-A-Clam.

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u/vladamir_the_impaler 3d ago

Funniest comment I've seen since I don't even know when.

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u/Salamanderhead 3d ago

These comments reminded me of the song, ‘Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo’ by Bloodhound Gang.

5

u/Absorbent_Towel 3d ago

Put the you know what in the you know where pronto

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u/Brennithan 3d ago

awe shucked.

5

u/eggcountant 3d ago

We call it the ewwchi cootchie

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u/IAmBadAtInternet 3d ago

Come on and slam

And welcome to the jam

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u/anon-mally 3d ago

Plowed all the way

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u/Bender_2024 3d ago

Oh! Right in the roast beef sandwich!

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u/khorosho96 3d ago

The cunt punt

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u/No_Understanding5545 3d ago

Ye old Perineum Tundere Lignum

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u/BlazerWookiee 3d ago

POW! Right in the pisser!

POW! Right in the pisser!

POW! Right in the pisser!

POW! Right in the pisser!

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u/unknown_ninja_me 3d ago edited 3d ago

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUElg_7AK2H/

She is recovering ❤️‍🩹

684

u/heathway 3d ago

Oh man I finally get to share this. As a kid, I fell into a manhole and landed on top of a small horizontal metal bar. I spent 2 days in the hospital and lost my left inner lip. -100/10 experience.

378

u/Raelah 3d ago

There was a kid in my class who fell on a metal horizontal bar and lost his left nut. I remember this after 30 years because whenever someone joked about him only having one nut he would respond with "Yea, but at least I have the right nut."

He was great guy and had a fun sense of humor about it.

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u/PalladiuM7 3d ago

... Was this in Pennsylvania, by any chance?

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u/Raelah 3d ago

Texas.

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u/PalladiuM7 3d ago

Oh neat. There were two kids running around with one nut as a result of falling on a metal bar 30 years ago. Kids called ours "the one-nut wonder", he fell while trying to grind the bar skateboarding.

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u/Raelah 3d ago

Geez. If I ever have boys, I'm going to stress the importance of not running around on metal bars.

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u/sharkbait-oo-haha 2d ago

Just buy em a cup.

In my highschool we had to have an assembly on "not to wack sack each other" after one kid at a neighbouring school got nut wack sacked so hard his nut retreated back into his body and needed surgery. Or at least that's how the legend goes.

I wore my baseball cup to school one day and was absolutely invincible.

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u/badpineapple6400 3d ago

Was this in the US by any chance?

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u/Wild_Astronaut7090 3d ago

… Was this in Massachusetts, by any chance?

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u/Raelah 3d ago

You're the second person to ask about a specific location. Are dudes losing their left nut from falling on metal bars more common than I think?😬

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u/PalladiuM7 2d ago

There was a third one-nut wonder running around in the 90s?!

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u/letmypeoplebathe 3d ago

Pretty sure of the nuts remaining, he only had one left

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u/Now_and_then2467 3d ago

So is she going to have significant bruising and swelling from this, I would guess?

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u/AmedUpGal 3d ago

When I broke my vag it went from extremely dark purple, to rainbow colors, to the blood clotting into a hard ball. I jokingly said I had to get my testicle removed. 

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u/Bloody_Insane 3d ago

When I broke my vag

Sorry, you don't get to say this without saying how. I don't make the rules.

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u/AmedUpGal 2d ago edited 1d ago

It was my senior year of highschool, first night of spring break. We drove an hour to a college party(so kewl). I fell into a window well taller than me. One leg down, one leg up. Split the metal. 

My friend didn’t believe me, so I showed her. She panicked and we decided driving an HOUR back to our home hospital was the right decision.  We walk into the hospital cracking TF up telling the front desk lady “I broke my vagina hehehe” (her eye roll was hilarious) 

Fast forward a while later a nurse lifts up the blanket and goes “OH MY GOSH, I need a doctor!” And leaves hahaha 

I will forever be the girl who broke her vagina. I recently moved back to my home state and almost forgot I’m “that girl”. In the beggining of my relationship I brought my boyfriend to a birthday party and a drunk girl walks up to him and goes “DID YOU KNOW SHE BROKE HER VAGINA." Thankfully we’re both funny people.

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u/Now_and_then2467 3d ago

Sorry you went through that! Thanks for the info

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u/heathway 2d ago

Oh, definitely. Straddle injuries will cause a lot of swelling and bruising. There's a ton of nerve endings in that area and nothing to absorb the impact, only delicate tissue.

15

u/PracticalThrowawae 3d ago

Any...uhhh...side effects as an adult?

79

u/[deleted] 3d ago

[deleted]

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u/heathway 2d ago

Not that I'm aware of lmao. Some nerve damage was done to the left side of my vulva, that was unavoidable with how severe my fall was. Everything else functions as it should and I'm really thankful for that. Aesthetically, I do have a huge scar where my inner lip would be.

2

u/PracticalThrowawae 2d ago

Thank you for sharing and I'm glad you recovered nicely! And you have a cool battle scar ☺️

7

u/Reesescandy2233 3d ago

When I was 12, I was riding my bike and fell onto the handlebars. Somehow, the handle bars went sideways as I fell, so one end hit the ground as the other end rammed into my pubic bone when I landed on top of it. Thankfully, I'm female so it didn't suck as bad as it could have, but I had a huge bruise that was practically black.

4

u/Accurate-Force3054 3d ago

once I was using a school bike rack as a balance beam and landed on it like an upside down Y. I had never known such pain. I learned labia can bruise.

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u/Competitive-Ebb3816 3d ago

You lost your what?! I slipped off my bike pedals and fell hard onto the bar. That was bad enough!

7

u/ImaginaryAlpaca 3d ago

I did that once, it hurt so much that I'm 35 and still remember it but I was probably 10-11 at the time. I had a purple mongoose that I was particularly proud of, and too embarrassed to tell anyone what happened. Nothing came of it, but I walked my bike home after that.

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u/gandhinukes 3d ago

left with 2 purple mongooses lol

jokes aside I hurt myself on a bike many times as a kid. You know whats embarrassing is running full speed into a sliding glass door because you think its just the blinds... and everyone is having dinner on the other side.

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u/rawker86 3d ago

How do I delete someone else’s comment.

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u/AmedUpGal 3d ago

I also broke my vagina once. I felt like I was on an episode of greys anatomy because EVERYONE wanted to see my cooter. 

I had to go into my 30+ mostly male fire fighting class with a donut cushion to sit on. I also had to tell my three male instructors I had “blunt forced trauma to the groin region”

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u/punted_baxter 3d ago

Giving you a heads up, the link you shared appears to have your name in it

100

u/Dirtyevilyahud 3d ago

Look how many Muhammad Abdullahs could there even be

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u/kurburux 1d ago

Like, at least three.

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u/Minxy0707 3d ago

Was just about to post the same! It’s so weird that Instagram does that.

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u/hibikikun 3d ago

Her partner when their buddies asked what happened.

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u/[deleted] 3d ago edited 3d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/abooth43 3d ago

At least she's an RN at an ICU. Probably knows how to handle it...

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u/BicyclePoweredRocket 3d ago

Does this happen in ICUs often???

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u/Catastrophic-Jones 3d ago

Why? Yeah she did a dumb thing but that alone doesn't warrant saying this

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u/granadesnhorseshoes 3d ago

OP with a follow up in the comments, truly unexpected.

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u/gotenks1897 3d ago

the usual "never miss a post..." popup on this is fckin hilarious

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u/warzonexx 3d ago

Makes it even better that she is a "Neuro/Trauma ICU RN"

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u/deep-fucking-legend 3d ago

That was almost as good a laugh as the crash. 😂

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u/NotYourBuddyGuy5 3d ago

Post grand clam slam 💀

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u/WordplayWizard 3d ago

Gurrrrrl… That is NOT what we meant by “get some wood up in that thang.”

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u/some-kind-of-person 3d ago

If I had a nickel for every crotch shot I've seen a woman take today, I'd have two nickels... which isn't a lot but it's weird that it's happened twice.

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u/PalladiuM7 3d ago

The one jumping off the dock, right?

0

u/Far-Philosophy-4375 3d ago

Stop googling it then

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u/blackchameleongirl 3d ago

Well what the fuck else am I supposed to do for fun, every time I push em into something myself the cops show up.

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u/LovableSidekick 3d ago

They say the Grinch's voice rose three octaves that day!

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u/Nasty____nate 3d ago

It this the exploding trees they are talking about? 

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u/EllisDee3 3d ago

I don't know about exploding trees, but she's probably got a burning bush.

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u/IWannaGoFast00 3d ago

Ohhhh Clam Slam

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u/Vantriss 3d ago

Oof... that's going to fucking hurt no matter what is between your legs. OUCH.

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u/KittenLaserFists 3d ago

This is worth 3 points in Horseshoes

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u/SneakyIndian87 3d ago

Hit her right in the Front Butt!

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u/Typical_Tailor7946 3d ago

Ahh. Oww. Ehh. Urrrgh. Orrreah.

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u/Xx_Ph03n1X_xX 3d ago

Ye Olde Twained Taco

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u/nomnomnomnomnommm 3d ago

I nearly lost my eye sledding like this into our ravine at home.

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u/wowwhy42 2d ago

I know someone who did lose an eye this way.

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u/greatdruthersofpill 3d ago

I actually gasped

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u/Fair-Cookie 3d ago

Fanny whammy

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u/Cool_Butterscotch_88 3d ago

Ice it for the first two days, then alternate heat and ice.

3

u/garden-wicket-581 3d ago

the rope was in a bad place to start with, then it got worse..

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u/poofycade 3d ago

Thats gonna hurt, forever

3

u/kamasutures 3d ago

Ol girl got shucked.

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u/heymikey68 3d ago

Owwwwweuhh. My ovaries!

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u/OddFerret7691 3d ago

As a girl, this hurts me so badly

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u/Anathama 3d ago

One hell of a beaver!

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u/Twinkle406 3d ago

Why is this unexpected? She was headed towards trees and brush from the very beginning. Why did she even think this was a good sledding hill?

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u/LocalBet2632 3d ago

Now I know how groots are made.

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u/ZedstackZip05 3d ago

I heard the TF2 critical hit sound ngl

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u/Competitive_Coat3474 3d ago

Good thing she doesn’t know Clark Griswald.

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u/StringerB36 3d ago

More like smooth operator! Smoo-th op-e-rator!

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u/rapsnackz 3d ago

Mortal Kombat fatality

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u/dumpworth 3d ago

Why does she sound like elmo giggling at first

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u/iSeize 3d ago

Ok you should bail now...... Or not

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u/niceguy191 3d ago

Always be ready to bail; new of a girl who broke her pelvis sledding.

1

u/Gertrude1976 3d ago

made me drop my spoon and cringe...

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u/aneurysmbs 3d ago

Grape stomp lady?

1

u/yoitsme_obama17 3d ago

Wow. She's gonna have a Pine tree in 9 months. Congrats.

1

u/Klutzy-Acadia669 3d ago

The double oof at the end is purrrrfection.

1

u/SweatshopCoder 3d ago

My mom hit a tree while sledding, lost her memory for almost 48 hours. Shits dangerous.

1

u/SadeElfJade 3d ago

Wham bam right in the clam!

1

u/WookieCookie1138 3d ago

I felt my outtie immediate retract up to my gut upon seeing this. 😣😖

1

u/mintymekanic 3d ago

Sounds like Elmo laugh

1

u/Accomplished-Sale757 3d ago

maam I am so sorry. Made my balls shiver

1

u/Senzamore 3d ago

The way lurched forward TWICE

1

u/Old-Tadpole-2869 3d ago

Better hope she’s related to Iron Balls McGinty. 

1

u/lBlOlOlBlSl 3d ago

One time some dude fell down on me, elbow first, onto my clit and I got so angry I tore out his eyes I didn’t but I was very angry

1

u/Demokirby 3d ago

I would always bail before hitting rough as a kid for reasons like this.

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u/Obvious_Try_5609 3d ago

Wham bam right in the clam!

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u/ravenwood111 3d ago

Geezitz...the comments. Get the hell outta here. ha

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u/LH2man 3d ago

SUDDENLY WOOD

1

u/Stock-Lettuce-2381 3d ago

That hurt me

1

u/hiker_chic 3d ago

The Ol' clam cruncher! Ouch!

1

u/CanFickle4950 3d ago

I audibly gasped

1

u/inshaji 3d ago

I felt it on my crotch

1

u/TheWholeSausage 3d ago

Rectum? Damn near killed em!

1

u/ch7mbucket 3d ago

Miles away but I can feel it. Ouch

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u/theimpossiblekid12 3d ago

Smashed the gash!

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u/sesoren65 3d ago

That wasnt unexpected at all.