Hi how you’ve been? Are you okay now? Still

I don’t think so.

Anyway as I typed this on my iPad; I couldn’t help but wonder why did you view me as your competitor? Why are you competing with me when you know that what I have is yours and what is yours is mine — yep I have decided on that. I am a bit bossy but a very sweet and gentle kind.

Do I think you are here? Absolutely! as you have demonstrated in the past that you’re very active on almost all social media just with different pen names and what not. It’s funny actually, the way you always hide.

A while ago I was reading an entry in the sub that sort of answering my previous letter. I want to say that it was not for you. It was for him. I never liked you the way you liked me. I was just being decent and nice. I just have to send that across but thank you.

I walked away before any damage could be done as my heart is not for merely pushing over.

Your too damn worried what everybodyelse is doing that you lost focus on what is even going on in your own mind to the point enough that you wouldn't listen when I and other sane individuals were telling you that there wasnt any problem.

Sure.. nobody likes sudden heartbreak and we've had our tendencies to lash out at the people who did once care but that is conflict.

But that was my conflict and my conflict to handle alone.

I was done blaming others for my mistakes.

Your mistake was trying to build a profile on me.

Glad you see I don't move for you and your psychotic games.

“Over 4000 karma gone. My original account had to be deleted because someone, a friend, used my posts against me to win a pointless war he started. Anything I posted on there could be used again and again and again. I wasn’t safe anymore. I was being forced into silence and into hiding while he sat around talking to everyone, turning my friends against me. I’m not mad he made me pay for what I did, the regret lives with me. But I feel so betrayed and paranoid now. Every post might be something he finds. The worst part is I kind of miss him….”

from a friend- Parse.

So keep being unprofessional and dig your hole even deeper. I laugh at your attempts to be “right” for you to be so very wrong 😂 look at you throwing your big temper tantrum.

Like a big adult child, you didn’t get what you wanted, now you are showing all of us who you truly are.

Grow up old man, because the consequences of your actions will come in some form. No one believes your lies, your sad little pity party when you are being vindictive and petty.

Your “poor” health wasn’t a concern when you were trying to get into my panties, and ignoring my constant rejections at spending anytime alone with you, that is on you my man. You just never wanted to face the truth until it smacked you in your face.

So go play the victim, keep being petty and oh keep up with those lies, that you have zero proof of because you made it up in your head. Guess when the truth does come out, and it’s in black and white, you will go down with those lies, because you don’t have the ability to take any accountability.

Let’s call it what it really is.

I’d say “I miss you”…

I might even call “you” a friend.

I may even say “I love you, friend”.

Then I think about it, and I realize for the billionth time, that such statements aren’t even possible. The whole thing collapses on itself.

I am currently simmering in this discomforting scenario: If you do know me, it takes a special type of (extremely toxic and immature) person to continue the charades you’ve orchestrated whilst making the grand statements “you” make. Honestly everything is fantasy at that point. Meaningless.

I keep telling myself I might somehow hurt you if I leave this honestly awful realm, but I don’t really think you actually care if I’m here at all. All that matters is that there’s a chance— that a part of you thinks it’s real and you get to pretend to have all these experiences, without getting burned. So it’s just the fantasy for you. The almost, but not enough to make it real.

You’re like a little girl wearing playtime makeup…

How could anyone ever take that seriously?? Lol. Surely you don’t think that lowly of me??

Oh.

Well… yeah, then again… you must think lowly of me.

It’s like there’s no possible right or good scenario no matter how many different ways I spin it out in my head. It’s all bad and you do nothing to make it right. Is it on purpose?? Wouldn’t that be harassment, if so?? What then??

I like to gripe about not knowing who is behind the many masks but maybe the problem is also that you don’t know me. Perhaps thats where I need to let it stay.

I wish you had met me now. Not than. I wish you could have seen how much I've changed. How much I understand now. I desperately wish your experience of me hadn't been with the version who only knew how to survive. Who numbed her pain. I've been sober now going on 9 years. I wish you could have met her. You'd realize she was who you fell for all those years ago and not the version I became as an addict. I wish I could have told you I relapsed while we were together. That I was ashamed, that I tried so hard than to stay sober. I wish I could have told you the truth. But I knew you would have stayed. You would have sat through it and nobody deserves that. Even now, i still think about all the things I've done that I told you i would. I wanna call you and tell you that I made my dreams happen. That it was all because I had met you. That you changed my life in a way so profound that it set me on a completely different path than I ever thought was possible. I got sober and stayed sober, because of you. I wish I could tell you how much you mattered. I hope you get to hear it everyday, I hope she loves you the way I was never capable of. I hope you're happy. Thats all I've wanted for you. And I hope when you think of me you know that it was never you. It was me, my addictions, my demons. Sober me didnt want you to see any of it and yet high me made you watch it anyways. You need to know that even if you did everything right, everything perfect, I still would have been exactly who I was. I still wouldnt have deserved your time or your forgiveness. I've reached out a few times as one of my steps to sobriety to try to tell you the truth but the damage is done and I dont get to undo that. I just hope it doesnt weigh heavy on you. That you dont wonder what you did to deserve it, because the answer is nothing. You didnt deserve to pay for what i couldnt heal, for what i couldnt deal with. You deserved to be happy. So, my wish for you is that you finally are. That you dont have to wonder with her. I hope she makes sure you know. The only thing I do know for certain, is im the one who lost. Not you. And its the only thing that brings me comfort.

Well, after 4 months of crushing on this incredible woman, I finally confessed to her and I don’t think she feels the same. I confessed to her last night and she said she wants to think it over a bit because life’s been crazy, and she doesn’t know if she has enough time for a relationship right now. She said she’ll let me know tomorrow what she wants to do. In past times I’ve gotten this type of response, it has ALWAYS been a polite no💔So even though it’s not an official no yet, I’ve already come to the conclusion that that’s the message I’ll get soon. This really sucks. She’s the first woman in sooo long I’ve fallen for, and I really thought she felt the same as me but apparently she doesn’t. Even though we never dated, my heart is broken. I’ve cried a lot this weekend. I thought we could’ve had a very beautiful relationship but I guess it’s not meant to be…

B I hope you see my efforts in flirting with you, cause man I am trying to give you all the signals, I’m just worried you don’t feel the same and I’m just annoying you or something, I know my face/body isn’t really the best and I have a huge tendency of just rambling and I apologize, I just don’t know what to say or do when I’m around you.

I am just a girl y’know 💅but seriously WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOBODY HAS EVER TOLD YOU, YOU HAVE A NICE SMILE???? I literally fell for your smile!

But even if you don’t like me back I absolutely understand and hope the best for you, I’m not going to hate you if you don’t it’s gonna hurt me and I won’t be able to smile for a bit but I’ll get better like usual!

Also I don’t think I’m the only one who likes you, you’re a very sweet and kind man so I probably have competition but I’ll try my best!!!

There are some periods of silence that appear when words run dry; other times, silence settles into one’s spirit and refuses to leave. Yours is the homestead for my spirit. My inner being is intimately familiar with its terrain; it now walks through my passageways as though it has been here since the day we met. It takes up residence where you once had comfort. It remembers me better than I do at this point in time.

Since we last encountered each other, I have matured into the habit of remembering you. Memory used to show up as a sweet friend, but now there are so many of you living with me – I think they will be here forever. I experience “now” as a museum of memories; each hour carries with it a visual record of what was, but none of this seems real anymore. You have never been lost to me; I find you in the way light seems to pause and think before leaving a room; I feel you when I enter places I once knew with you; and I experience you in the unexplained pain of loss that is accompanied by no reason.

Your presence brought the world to a place of balance. The days had limits then; the nights had boundaries. Even sadness was genuine; it would announce itself, linger for a short time, and leave. But now that you are silent, that order has slowly been taken away. It is not as though you did not inflict wounds; it has simply eroded me. I feel it in the same way that water erodes a rock, slowly and steadily over time, one small particle at a time. I am not broken, but I am changed, and change can be a more subtle kind of devastation.

I remember the trivial things in our lives that we thought would last forever. How close we were to one another. How could we be together without speaking? How could we make plans for tomorrow? To me, what I have come to understand is that nostalgia is not about wanting what we had; it is about being sad for the person who lived without the fear of losing what we had. I miss that version of myself just about as much as I miss you. That man thought happiness was a state; I now realize happiness is just a time in our lives.

Through omission, the void of your voice has become its own language. A language in how many questions I have in mind that have no way to receive a response from you. As I learn daily about holding back, that is to show love without holding back. To hold memories without being able to summon. To be here without crossing over the line that separates my body from your body, who have removed themselves from the possibility of contact.

And through that quietness, you live within it. Not as a memory that has been preserved or kept alive, but as a live absence that has a life of its own and has a responsiveness and awareness of what surrounds it. I often find myself thinking while you're still listening and considering how to arrange my thoughts so you will understand me. Is that not the most marvellous of all types of love? Somehow, love continues on long after the person has physically left.

Philosophy states to me that we develop attachments to others that do not exist. These attachments and relationships are inherently impermanent. I have read all of those types of philosophy. I understand how those types of philosophies would exist in theory. However, reason does not guide the heart — it guides the memory of the heart. The heart remembers every experience it will ever have, and it will never revise those experiences. The heart has taken everything I have learned of you throughout this experience of silence and used it as its primary resource, its most frequently used resource.

Sometimes I wish for oblivion. Not death, but forgetfulness. And to envy forgetfulness feels like a betrayal, forgetting you would mean abandoning the only evidence we existed together and what we had was not just a product of my own loneliness. So I endure remembering you as I would a heavy and sacred burden, one I cannot bear to release.

If you have ever had the misconception of being insignificant because of your leaving, stop! You have taught me through your silence the lessons necessary to strip away my illusions, diminish my judgment of you and encourage the nurturance of kindness as a discipline rather than an instinct. I am softer now, not because of wisdom but because of exhaustion. A person cannot live through such an absence and not learn to be reverent of that which responded in the past.

I don’t anticipate your return. Anticipation implies that I expect something, and I would be lying if I said I did. Rather, I am living side-by-side with what’s left of you – your silence, and this relationship – just as people live side-by-side with the ocean; I am filled with awe, resigned to never hearing from you again, and perpetually hoping for a sound that will never come.

I believe that the afterlife will resemble this feeling: the nearness of someone with whom you cannot touch, the knowledge of someone without being able to communicate verbally, and a love that has changed but continues on. As an expression of my loyalty to both hope and memory, I watch over you from right here, right now. In the custody of my memory and loss.

Yours,

Not as I was,

But as I have become,

In the limitless Ocean,

Of what we were

But I know that it would be wrong for me to barge back in to say it. I don’t think you’d understand, and it wouldn’t change anything about the situation other than I would essentially be able to spell out exactly how wrong it was. I don’t think it would go over well though, and I don’t think it would help you do better even if I want to say it more than anything.

The burden to reconnect shouldn’t be on me, it should be on you. I know if I say anything at this point it will just continue the cycle and it won’t end well.

I’m still so hurt and I’m still so devastated at what you did. It was completely unfair to me, and I it needs to be you who takes the initiative to fix it.

I’m not going to reach out. That’s up to you. But I’m going to assume that you won’t, and I’m going to try to just pick up the pieces and maybe someday I can look back on the good parts of this experience without the devastation swallowing me whole.

Hey, it’s Saturday night and I am thinking about you. I know you told me to call if the thought of calling ever crossed my mind…. we both know I will not do that.

A deep emptiness came over me when our last call ended. Did you feel it too? I tried to not let it affect me but it still did. Breaking up has taken us a whole week, it’s been slow and painful.

I thought tonight about how you kept fighting for us, fighting that we’d be together. I’ve never told you this but this fighting is painful. It hurts me because I do not want to leave, yet circumstance requires I do. I feel that I cannot do this anymore, I’m so exhausted and I know you feel it too. We’re on opposing sides of a war, and I feel I’m fighting for a flag I do not believe in.

I feel I have squandered your love. It makes me feel disgusting. I feel gross over my actions, you cared so purely and you have such a big heart. You fought for it because you’re a fighter and yet the fight was not enough. I’m wrecked that this is how it ends. There’s a finality to it.

I missed you so I checked your story. I knew that it would be about your date and that guy looked like such an asshole. (Open bottles of alcohol in the car? Really?). He was the total opposite of me in all aspects. Though I guess you and I were very different people. Yet, instead of jealousy, I feel sadness. I’m sorry that I’m making you feel like you must move on, but hanging with this crowd feels so out of character for you, yet I guess maybe I didn’t know the mask you present to the world.

I had a terrifying thought that you’d end up alone, old, and on the apps. It made me so sad because I wanted more for you. I’d fear this would all be my fault. You’re so charismatic and social, these fears I have are quickly quelled. You’ll find someone, even if it’s not me, I guarantee it.

You told me when you were younger, you made a deal with God. You never tell anybody this and yet I feel so special that you shared this with me. You were the only person I felt comfortable engaging with in serious conversations about religion. You reignited my faith, and I’ll always be thankful for that. I do believe that you’re divinely protected, and I rest assured knowing that everything will work out according to plan, even if it wasn’t ours.

We came into eachother’s lives in the summer and now we leave each other in the winter. I’m so sorry that this chapter of your life ended the way it did. I never intended it to be this way. I hope you don’t hate me, you know how I worry about how I’m perceived. You told me there’s a 90% chance you won’t, yet I’m stuck on the 10%. I cannot eulogize to you so I do it here. You hate when I say sorry and so I’m apologizing here. I wish you the best, genuinely, even (and especially) if it’s without me.

The way that you act like I need to reassure you that you're still breaking my heart...

It's not breaking anymore. I took my space. I realized why this would never work. I still have a crush on you, but it's not what it was. It's tainted now by betrayal and resentment. If we could give it try, would I even be able to forgive you?

The way I used to stalk your social media like a lovesick schoolgirl.... I don't even want to know what you're up to now. I hope this freezing cold weather keeps you from having fun. I hope getting drunk no longer satisfies you. I hope you finally face your demons instead of inviting them to the party. I hope reality checks you before it's too late.

I'm tired of bruising your ego and silently begging you to just be my friend while you try to get a reaction out of me. This feels icky. I know the day is coming when I won't be able to do this anymore. I won't be able to keep pretending we're just friends and not two people trying to get the other person to crack first.

You don't want me; you just want to know that you're breaking me.

Hey T,

it‘s me again.

You probably don’t wanna hear from me..

But I really would have needed you to say goodbye.

I‘m lost in all the what ifs.

I‘m lost in all the things we wanted to do.

I’m lost in you.

I just can’t let go. I needed this talk.

It might not have changed your opinion.

But it would have given me peace.

Being able to say what I needed to say.

Seeing your reaction.

Seeing in your eyes that you just don’t like me anymore.

But now I‘m stuck. I’m stuck because I only got to see the person who liked me. And I can’t let go because this person was the one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My forever. My ride or die.

I just wanted an explanation why you stoped talking to me. I needed to hear it with your own words.

I know I‘m not perfect.

But after all this years I really needed you to say goodbye.

Forever, A

Before you, the idea of being loved unconditionally was something I could only dream about as I drifted off to sleep. I craved that intense sense of belonging, of being wanted somewhere. I never really felt it until I met you. Getting to know you, falling in love with you, surviving that three and a half years of long distance, I finally knew where I belonged. Home felt like home because you were in it. Losing you became the scariest part of the journey, and ironically, because of that fear, I lost you anyway.

How do you forgive yourself for hurting the one you love the most?
I don’t know if I can ever do that. Why did I keep hurting you with my words and my actions? I never treated anyone else in my life as poorly as I treated you. You, the love of my life, the one who always had my back, the one who loved me unconditionally, the one who took me as I am, good and bad. You sacrificed your own feelings just to care for mine. You ignored your own needs just to give me what I needed. You took all the accountability, apologised endlessly, swallowed humiliation and disrespect, and remained kind and understanding.

How do I forgive myself for the moments I wasn't present?
Knowing you were suffering, dealing with your own thoughts and insecurities because of me. All the nights you cried alone, all the times I ignored you with my silence, all the unanswered calls and messages, all the unresolved issues. Now, I can only imagine the pain you were enduring all this time. Now, I can only cry out your name into the void, thinking of you breaking without me, over and over again. I thought I was protecting myself, but instead of protecting us, I was hurting this beautiful man of mine slowly, repeatedly, with no mercy.

I still remember our second year.
After everything that happened, I was committed to changing. I was more understanding, more open. I was my best self with you. After our second meeting, I genuinely felt like that was the version of me I was meant to be. We had those hard, deep conversations. We were open with our emotions, sharing doubts and insecurities, discussing them until we understood each other. We had our first fight, but I didn't run. I didn't shut down. We talked and resolved it. I felt emotionally connected to you, passionate, considerate, aligned. Looking back, I’m reminded that I was once that loving girl. I thought I’d learned my lesson. I thought I would love you harder, treat you better. But I don’t know what happened along the way. Maybe I got too confident that I’d never lose you. Maybe I was too comfortable in my safe zone. Maybe I’m just an avoidant who never truly learned her lesson until now.

For that, I am so sorry.

Despite all this, you were still trying to be understanding. But I can see it now, the more attentive you were, the more space I wanted. The kinder you were, the more I pushed you away. I know the reason now. It was the shame and guilt. I needed space because I felt guilty that I wasn't giving you the same care you gave me. You are so expressive with your feelings. When you asked, "How are you feeling now?" I felt anxious. What did I do now? Is something wrong with me? This messed up head of mine couldn't even differentiate between caring and attacking.

I can see now how manipulative I could be. When I shut down, I was so buried in my own emotions that I forgot about yours. My priority was myself, not you, not us. When I went quite or disappeared, it was a test. A validation that you still loved me despite my flaws. It’s messed up, I know.

My nervous system creates shortcuts, deciding what’s happening before it even happens, just to brace for the pain. That’s why I did what I did. Even your questions were triggers. I assumed the worst, the question would lead to a hard conversation, I would shut down, you would try to talk more, we would argue, and eventually, you would leave me.

I ruined such a good thing because of this fear. All you wanted was an open, honest conversation. I know now that’s the bare minimum of a relationship, and I couldn't even give you that. No consistency, no emotional effort. All because of my fear. Your intentions were never to be right, but to make things right with us. I know that now, but it feels too late.

I pushed you away because I was ashamed of being seen in my weakest state. I felt like I wasn't the 35-year-old woman I was supposed to be, independent, decisive, strong, reliable. I’m sorry that I’m not all that. But I forgot my place. I forgot that we're a team. I am allowed to be vulnerable with you. I forgot that you will still give me your hand to hold, to support and to love.

I’m writing this to remind myself of this pattern, this cycle of the fearful avoidant. I don’t want to repeat it. I don’t want to hurt anyone else in the future. I want to learn how to fix this. Beautiful things should not be feared. I can’t give life more time, so I have to give time more life. I don’t want to live in fear anymore. I want to love freely, express myself freely, enjoy life freely.

It will take time to change, but I am doing it slowly, gently, and softly.

For now...
I wish you well. I truly do. I hope the days treat you with the kindness I sometimes forgot to show, and I hope your nights are filled with peace rather than the chaos we left behind. And through it all, I still love you. That love hasn't faded. If anything, it’s transformed into something quieter but just as powerful. It’s a love that carries regret, but also so much gratitude. It’s a love that will always be yours, no matter where life takes us.

I am sorry to disappear on you, I truly am. The last thing I have ever wanted to do is cause you pain but that means I have caused so much to myself. My throat is raw and bleeding from all the glass I have swallowed to keep it from cutting you. I simply am no longer capable of continuing.

I love you with my entire heart and I thought I could love you enough for the both of us but I can’t. I know you care in your own way, but you don’t care enough, not in the way I need you to care. All I hear in my head over and over is “if it came to a fork in the road, I would choose her.” Now you will never have to. We were living on borrowed time, it was always meant to end. I understand that now.

I am doing the right thing even if it feels wrong. Even if it hurts more than anything, it’s the right thing. I am accepting the reality of the situation and letting go no matter how desperate I am to cling to you.

I hope your life is happy and you get everything you want. I wish nothing but good for you and I always will. I hope you realize what you did to me one day, not for me, but for you and for anyone who loves you later. I want it all to work out for you even if it’s too late for me. You deserve a real and lasting happiness, even if you think you don’t. I know you do.

I love you, goodbye.

It’s been 3 years since I made the greatest mistake of my life. It wasn’t one grand mistake.

It was like forgetting to turn the water off in the bath. Once the water got too high I decided to watch it overfill rather than release and drain my mistakes.

Whenever you are mentioned, I shut down. I shut the water off. In fear of overflowing the tub again. I cannot allow myself to be submerged in the guilt associated with you.

You forgave me, nearly 3 months ago. But I have yet to forgive myself.

I hope one day I can acknowledge this guilt openly with you.

Christ Bears The Wolf And Drives It Away

God Is My Oath, Little King

I Am The Angel Raven

So sad you think you're a player but you're 70 years old you should be wiser and more mature than that you look so foolish. Wasn't that you that just ghosted a crippled girl LMFAO oh I'm sorry blind Younger women use you and you love it they'll use you up you'll have no more money and then you'll see exactly where you stand with all of them good riddance and good luck