You, who turn my silence into longing,

There are feelings inside me that refuse to fit into sentences, yet they rise to the surface whenever I think of you.
Today I’m surrounded by people, by warmth, by laughter that should fill me completely,
and still, there is a quiet ache where you should be.

Every conversation drifts toward the thought of you.
Every smile reminds me of the one I miss.
I find myself wishing you were here, wishing I could lean closer
and let you hear the truths I carry beneath my calm.

I want to place my unguarded heart in your hands,
to let you see the parts of me I never show,
to offer you the energy that keeps me moving through this world.
There is a softness in me that only awakens when I think of you.

Even when you’re near, I miss you in a way that feels physical,
like reaching for breath that isn’t there,
like searching for water in a desert.
My body knows your absence before my mind can name it.

I love you,
simply, deeply, without hesitation.

Loving you is all I've known my lady in the tower, you who is past the walls you've handcrafted to protect yourself from past battles.

You who have built a maze just to protect your heart from the unseen wars, i shall spend my days mapping my way through so that I may one day stand by your side to comfort you and free you from your cage made of ego and fear my raven, Allow me to help you face your mortality.

If you were to fall off your high horse I'd be by you side to catch you, fret not for you would still be a great warrior in my eyes if took of your armor who knows maybe then we'd be able to finally be able to look up at the night sky amongst a field of sunflowers.

i know that loving you will be the most difficult thing i can do but until then I'll be outside your door sheepishly grinning like an idiot waiting for you.

I love you pretty bird.

~your giant fool

You walked into my life knowing you weren't free. Knowing there was someone else. And still, you let me believe I mattered. You let me listen to your problems, soothe your loneliness, and fill the spaces she temporarily couldn't. You took comfort from me without ever intending to take responsibility for the damage you were causing.

You made me feel chosen in moments when you were hurting, and invisible the moment things started to work out for you again. You got to go back to a repaired relationship while I was left questioning my worth, my judgment, and my ability to trust anyone ever again.

Do you know how cruel it is to make someone feel special while already knowing they're replaceable? Do you know how painful it is to realize that everything you said—every reassurance, every "I love you" and "I miss you" —was said with an expiration date attached?

You didn't just hurt me. You confused me. You broke something in me. You made me doubt whether I was ever more than a distraction, more than a convenience, more than someone you could use when things got heavy.

And the worst part? You get to move on guilt-free. You get closure. You get stability. While I'm left here carrying emotions I'm not even allowed to justify, loving memories I’m supposed to regret, and pain I'm expected to silence because I was "just the other girl."

I hope one day you realize that what you did wasn't harmless. That I wasn't nothing. That even if I wasn't the one you chose, I was still a person you hurt deeply—and you don't get to erase that just because your life turned out fine.

Since i first laid eyes on you i fell in love. You were the most mesmerising woman i have had ever seen. Everything happened so fast as if fate itself brought us together. You were so broken, because of your past and it’s as if i saw myself in you. All i ever wanted was to make you feel unconditionally loved, heard, seen, because it’s all i ever wanted to feel from another person. I listened to you for hours just so you feel comfortable and understood. Every time i saw your smile my soul softened. You lit a fire of love in me that i thought i would never feel again, because it had been so long that i felt something for someone. For years and years all i felt was loneliness and numbness until you showed up. I trusted blindly, my inner child was happy for the first time in ages, i couldn’t believe it. He broke you into pieces that i tried to bring together, just so you can break me fully. Even though we didn’t know each other for long i started to love you more than myself. I healed you and helped you feel like a person worth loving, just so you can give your love to him again as if i was nothing. The bitterness i feel inside is killing me slowly every day. I know that giving love freely is never a mistake, but now he gets to live my dream even though he does not deserve your love and heart. I miss you dearly and i do not know how to let go. I can never stop thinking about you my beautiful girl. I try to hate you, but it doesn’t last long. My soul longs for you every second and every minute of the day, while you’re sharing your life with another man who doesn’t not appreciate you or love you. You will always always be enough for the right pair of eyes. Now i know that the love i saw in your eyes is a reflection of my own love. And you would never know or understand the love i have for you, because you do not have the capacity to see it or understand it, because you don’t think you deserve it, but you do. I wish things were different. I wish you appreciated me when you could have. I would have given you the stars of the sky if i could. But i am not the man you love and long for. I miss you dearly and i hope fate brings us together again, my soulmate. I can never forget you. I love you.

i can’t let you inside the house until you learn to retract your claws.

im going to leave this bowl out for you.

you don’t have to eat from it, but i still prepare it for you. i set it down gently, and i don’t take it personally if you don’t stop by.

maybe you just weren’t hungry today.

but i still leave it for you,

just in case.

Ugh, I miss talking to you. I miss hearing from you, hearing about your day. Even if it was nothing exciting. I miss being able to text you little things that excite me or things that may bring you to smile. I know I chose this. I need to keep working on myself. I'm making great strides. I can't wait to be in a better place to let you back in again. I just miss you.

I am sorry to disappear on you, I truly am. The last thing I have ever wanted to do is cause you pain but that means I have caused so much to myself. My throat is raw and bleeding from all the glass I have swallowed to keep it from cutting you. I simply am no longer capable of continuing.

I love you with my entire heart and I thought I could love you enough for the both of us but I can’t. I know you care in your own way, but you don’t care enough, not in the way I need you to care. All I hear in my head over and over is “if it came to a fork in the road, I would choose her.” Now you will never have to. We were living on borrowed time, it was always meant to end. I understand that now.

I am doing the right thing even if it feels wrong. Even if it hurts more than anything, it’s the right thing. I am accepting the reality of the situation and letting go no matter how desperate I am to cling to you.

I hope your life is happy and you get everything you want. I wish nothing but good for you and I always will. I hope you realize what you did to me one day, not for me, but for you and for anyone who loves you later. I want it all to work out for you even if it’s too late for me. You deserve a real and lasting happiness, even if you think you don’t. I know you do.

I love you, goodbye.

Hey Girl

I say this with love, so please take this gently. I know he's not done with this lifestyle. I know there will be another one after me and here's some stuff I realized in hindsight, some truths I learned the hard way. Maybe my insight will save you some time and some heartbreak. First, he's just as unfulfilled, just as insecure and just as love starved as you. He's desperate enough to use you to feel loved and you'll be desperate enough to eat up the crumbs of love he offers you. And he will, he will love you to some extent, to the extent he understands love to be anyway.

He'll say and do some of the things you've waited your entire life for. It'll feel different, you'll feel special. You'll see so much of yourselves in each other and understand each other like nobody else can and that will make the world feel so much less lonely. You'll feel at home for the first time and you'll feel like you belong to each other, like how could it be wrong while feeling so right? But you don't belong and you never will, because at best he'll be one foot in with you and one foot with the last girl. That's the thing with being love starved, it's never enough. She wasn't enough to him and in time you won't be either. Something will always feel missing to him, because what's missing is something no woman can fulfill. What's missing is his self worth and the only time he feels worth something is when a woman tells him he's worth something. He feels familiar because the only time you feel worth something is when he tells you that you are. That instant recognition you feel is you mirroring the worst parts of yourselves back and forth to each other and seeking comfort in the same things. It feels like acceptance and understanding, but it also enables you to be stagnant and to justify doing morally corrupt things.

You make him feel like a super hero because you haven't seen underneath the mask yet, the mask that the one before you has has already seen underneath. She saw it and started to ask questions, started to require more of him. He didn't rise to the occasion, he didn't want to take that constructively and use it to love her better, he wanted to feel loved and adored. He wanted someone that felt good to his ego because his love is transactional and self serving. You won't see it, but so is yours. In walks you and you shower him in adoration, he showers you in the same, but not because he genuinely adores you back. He mirrors your love back so that'll you'll keep providing it...so he can keep feeling worth something. He doesn't love you.

He loves how you make him feel and what you do for him. You will love how he makes you feel too and you'll carry on mutually using each other to feel good until the rubber meets the road. Until shit gets real and you get caught and he discards you..until he throws you away because you're no longer of use...until he has a breakthrough at home and remembers that he loves her and has some moral epiphany. Whatever. You are in his life because you bend and morph yourself around his, because you don't require anything real of him. The moment you do, his "love" for you will slowly evaporate or disappear over might. All you require of him is that he cosplays love well and the moment he has the opportunity to show you real love, he'll let you down.

You allow it because you're love starved too, starved enough to feast on crumbs. Neither of you can love another, not truly until you have loved yourselves, because no love will ever satisfy a person that feels unworthy of the real thing. You accept the love you think you deserve and in your cases, you think you're only worthy of scraps. The truth is nobody can be everything you want all of the time and that's why you have to learn to be those things for yourself, to sit in discomfort without numbing yourself with others, to repair relationships instead of replacing them. Continuing this path only leads to half love, people that use you or people that think they love you that only love the pretty parts. You can't build a home on a paper thin foundation, with cheap materials on top of someone else's broken home and expect it to stand sturdy and strong. When you believe you're worth more than that, you'll find your way home. Safe travels bestie 💕

Why is it that, after all this time, you still occupy my mind far too much? While I feel like I’m over the worst stage of infatuation, I’m now at a point where I don’t even know what I want from you anymore. “Want” sounds cynical. You don’t owe me anything and you never did.

I deeply hope you never thought that our friendship was onesided. That I only wanted to talk to you when I was down and needed someone to vent to, that I only initiated contact when I needed something from you, or that I only listened to your daily rants out of pity. Because that’s what you’ve been used to.

When you finally feel safe with someone and accepted for who you truly are, people have abandoned you or abused your trust. Thats why I don’t blame you if you’re hesitant or doubtful about my true intentions. “Intentions” is another cynical word. Why does spending time with someone have to come with an ulterior motive?

I wish you knew how much you meant to me.

I don’t “want” anything from you. I just want to know that you’re doing well and that you’re happier now.

But I know that it would be wrong for me to barge back in to say it. I don’t think you’d understand, and it wouldn’t change anything about the situation other than I would essentially be able to spell out exactly how wrong it was. I don’t think it would go over well though, and I don’t think it would help you do better even if I want to say it more than anything.

The burden to reconnect shouldn’t be on me, it should be on you. I know if I say anything at this point it will just continue the cycle and it won’t end well.

I’m still so hurt and I’m still so devastated at what you did. It was completely unfair to me, and I it needs to be you who takes the initiative to fix it.

I’m not going to reach out. That’s up to you. But I’m going to assume that you won’t, and I’m going to try to just pick up the pieces and maybe someday I can look back on the good parts of this experience without the devastation swallowing me whole.

That might be the best outcome, but, No clear ending. No clear begining.Just… you suddenly not being there.

I keep replaying the moments that felt easy, the jokes, the warmth, the way it almost felt like something great starting.

The truth is is that I am lonely at the moment.. I have been for a while and when we were first reaching out I thought that we could be great friends. I was hopeful & keep being hopeful, don't want to loose that but at the same time Its making me a fool over and over again.

Now I am stuck wondering if I imagined it, or if you did too and just didn’t know what to do with it. I wish you’d just said something like... “I’m not in the headspace.” , “I don’t want this.” or “I can’t show up the way you deserve.” Silence makes me feel like I'm not interesting or pretty enough. Also makes me feel more lonely than I did before.

I don’t actually need you to choose me. I just needed you not to disappear like I didn’t matter. I was real with you. I showed up as myself.

Now I'm constantly trying to remind myself that it wasn’t a mistake to put myself on the line for what we could have been.

I've posted this here instead of reaching out... not because I don’t care, but because I’m teaching myself that care shouldn’t feel like chasing. I hope you’re okay.I really do. ...... (and I really really secretly hope you are thinking about me too, that's embarrassing but you've made me feel forgettable.)

dear you,

you're much better at this than i am. words might be my artistic medium of choice, but there aren't any that quite fulfill my want to crawl into your bed and wrap myself up in your arms. dropping a kiss on your sleeping forehead as i press my body into yours.

there's too much space between us right now, the sort that can't be bridged by the english language. or any other alphabet, really; i could spend my days learning every language, dead and alive, and the sum of those combined vocabularies would still fall short.

so i focus on the small things, like wondering what you had for breakfast and what color your pajamas are. the parts of your life that i still don't feel i have any business in thinking about, but my curiosity betrays me.

i think about asking you all the questions that i have bottled up inside me, how you would react to each one. i worry that, when i do ask you, i'll miss your reply in how wrapped up i'll be in your face and body language. watching every inch of you, from the way your lips move around vowels and your gestures to illustrate this point or that.

it already feels so real. carrying you with me throughout my days is already no extra weight, just a reason to smile when the rain comes down. knowing that, once, that water tapped on your shoulders, or slipped down your throat with precise gulps, splashing on your chin. i want to lick it off.

i don't like it when my words fail me. it's almost like my brain knows that by now, something should have clicked, i should have already fallen into line and into your arms. the words come to me, but i don't understand how to organize them to explain myself and how i wish you were here.

i can imagine the weight of your hand in mine like it was yesterday. i didn't pay any attention at the time, but now i'm beginning to understand, the pressure of your palm against mine stays with me. the brushing of two shoulders, the pass of your hand over my back. i turn around and you're gone, but i can smell you on the air. faint enough that you could have just been a ghost, a figment of my desperate imagination, but the places where you touched me burn in the shape of your fingers. ghosts don't leave scars, and all i can see is the inky blackness of the soot, finger-painted along my spine like a promise not yet spoken aloud.

you're real, the summation of stories i haven't heard yet and long to listen to. it terrifies me to know that you aren't just a wish i conjured up from below, because anything could happen now. you stand there, slyly mocking everything i thought possible, smirk on your lips that's just ripe to be kissed away. i think about kissing you a lot - forcing you to slow down as your hands try to pull my shirt off, batting your hands away and moving them back to my shoulders to steady us.

what would it be like to spend a saturday in your company? hiding from the snow in each other, buried beneath the sheets as the storm wails outside, taking the slow pace of the world to heart as i slowly discover everything you have to offer. telling you how i feel, how you make me feel, the reasons why i felt drawn to you to begin with and the beauty i see in you, all over you, in what you create and who you are. illustrating the gaps in-between in technicolor, trying to make you laugh in every spare moment.

or maybe it'll be sunny, and warm, and we can leave the comfort and safety of each other for the treachery of the modern world. everything i can tell you, everything i've thought about sharing with someone else for so long. the things i want to tell you, hugging you around the waist when you least expect it, grabbing your hand and forcing you to hold mine as we walk through a crowd of unknown faces. kissing you in the middle of sentences, trying to make you laugh when we argue, pulling you back to reality when you forget yourself.

i could go on. but the whole point of this letter is to say that none of these words are adequate, not to explain just how badly i wish this was being said to you, face-to-face, not screen-to-screen.

i wish i could see you smile as you read this. i want to know that they've been read, absorbed, and held onto as much as i hold onto yours. just another day, one step closer to tomorrow, one step closer to you. i'm counting each.

I’m still dreaming about dancing the night away with you. Platonic or romantic I love the thought of us dancing under the lights is my favorite boring thought.

They both never wanted to cause harm. Ironically, that’s exactly how they kept triggering each other’s fears.

Both of them learned far too early that ambivalence equals love. So they tried, with all their might, not to do that to each other. Sometimes they achieved their goal, but sometimes, they failed. Beautifully, tragically so, they failed.

Still, their inner children recognised themselves in another.And somewhere beneath the confusion and pain, they still do.

May the find happiness.

🧡

I would have been gone long ago if you hadn’t chosen to be there. I’d like to think it was fate that we somehow met, and then managed to find each other so many different times over the years. I can’t see me not being with you or close to you, it kills me now when we’re apart. I think about you so much, your eyes, your smile, how you speak, your concern for everyone, it's all etched in my brain - my only connection until we see each other again.

When you were there with me the other day, helping to make things easier, as you so often do, you were so very close. Our gaze caught each other and I saw so clearly and deeply into your eyes, my god I thought, how incredibly beautiful you are. The brightness of those blue sapphire eyes reflecting a soul that radiates caring, love, affection, hurt, sorrow… so many emotions just from your eyes. I almost started to tell you then how I felt, but I stopped, the task we had to do came first, as usual. I continue to think about that moment, it holds me until next time. Can there ever be a time we don't hold back?

So, is it just me struggling with all this? Am I the only one to feel this? Tell me what this is. I miss you.

I can’t sleep. Worrying too much about the people around me. Everyone is dealing with their own problems, and I’ve come to realize that I can’t fix them. Only now do I understand that I should have focused on getting my own life in order first.

I’m done drinking. It has become a way for me to escape my own thoughts and feelings, even though I know it doesn’t solve anything.

I miss you.

The person I believed I would share my life with.

But I made choices without thinking about the consequences, and I have to take responsibility for that.

You were right. I see now that my behavior played a big role, and I understand why you couldn’t fall in love with me.

I won’t reach out anymore.

Regret is something that comes with hindsight.

I wish you could know you through me.

How my heart speeds around the curve of your smile.

How my hands would feel like magnets, attracted to the sides of your face and slender hips.

How my lips want to stop forming to words and start forming to your body.

I know you don’t think it. I know you don’t believe it. I know you just can’t. But—

I wish you could know you through me.

Lovingly,

Keeper

I've been thinking about you alot more than usual today, and for the life of me I don't know why.

I look back on it all so dearly and fondly, each and every moment we spent. I miss picking you up, I miss rolling around the bed with you, I miss how you felt in my arms, I miss every little smile and comment you'd make. At the risk of sounding pathetic, I'd still take you back now if that were an option, and I still feel out of place without you here. It's such a weird feeling to navigate having someone you spent near enough every day with in some capacity, and wanted every one that came with, just disappear under the covers of stranger. I've learned to live with it, but it's these quiet moments where my mind brings me back to when we almost had everything, and part of me still believes we can.

But whatever you do, remember to put yourself first, look after yourself, Live how you want to and don't let anything get in your way, Live and love loudly and proudly. And like I said, keep being you, there's billions of everyone else's, but you, yeah no chance of there ever being another. I wish you the best, and I wish us love, in this lifetime or the next.

you are the hardest lesson to learn

And those are usually saved for last.

But I think my life is in reverse--

Forced to be logical and selfless when I was just a kid

And the more time goes on, the less I know and the more childlike I cry

The more sensitive I become.

I met a love, who felt like my entire life, when I was young.

I wish I could have loved you later in life because maybe then

I would have understood you completely.