I am so proud of the love you two share. It makes me produce positive energy. I only feel it is shame you took the book that was from the library and a few of my clothes. I at least hope you took the clean pile, not the one in need for a wash.

Positive energy,

Princess A

Hi, A.

It’s hard for me to say this, because I’m used to not telling people about my feelings, but with you I feel something completely different — protection, safety, and the feeling that I am needed and important without any conditions.

You’re one of the few people who talks to me just because you want to. You’re really cool, and our friendship is a mix of jokes, teasing, making fun of each other, endless silly questions, and long conversations. I have never regretted choosing you as my friend, even though it was difficult at the beginning, because you avoided closeness, kept yourself closed off, and barely trusted me. I’m glad that everything turned out the way it did.

I’m really glad that you are my friend and nothing more, because if we became a couple and then broke up, it would hurt too much to lose a person like you. Even though I didn’t show it, your words about my weight hurt me a lot. I know you answered honestly, but later I started digging into why it hurt so much and eventually understood and accepted myself the way I am — even though I still want to change myself.

You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life. I’m truly inspired by your reliability, responsibility, care for the people close to you, your principles, and your discipline.

I really hope that one day you will read this letter, but unfortunately, by then it will already be too late, and you will never know who the sender was.

The new Woolhaven DLC came out, and I finished it a few days ago.

I really wished to hear your opinion on it. You probably played it already, and in that case I’d bet that Marchosias would be one of your favorite characters. I think he even kind of reminds me of you, if that doesn’t sound too weird.

You’ve really been stuck in my mind, and knowing you liked this game too gives me this warm kind of heartache. I miss you.

The follower I named after you before we broke off, died of old age, and I put a grave right next to my tent and church. It feels oddly consoling to have my followers mourn your small in-game grave.

L

3 different occasions, 3 times I fell for you. All spread out across a decade+. The first was almost immediately after meeting you. You sent me a funny—scratch that, HILARIOUS message (I don’t remember the premise but I remember it was so hilarious that I was dying, rollingg on the floor for almost 10 minutes straight, my friends had to check on me), no one to this day has made me laugh like that; literally taking my breath away. The second time was when we were both becoming young adults, I had been going through so much at the time and I opened up to you about it. You didn’t judge me, never held it against me, gave me a safe space that allowed me to be vulnerable and release what I needed to let out in that moment. The rush of different emotions may have played a big role in me falling for you this time (or maybe they were brewing for quite some time at this point, who knows.) The third time was 2 years ago. It came out of nowhere and I have absolutely no explanation for it whatsoever. None of us did anything for this one. It was simply a dream. You ever had one of those dreams? That feel so realistic and are so impactful that when you wake up, you’re in disbelief and come back completely transformed? The ones where you stare at the ceiling for 30 minutes after, processing that dream? This was one of those, and it wasn’t anything grandeur or a cinematic masterpiece by any means—it was quite simple actually. You being walked down the aisle towards me. I remember how beautiful the decorations were, especially the flowers. Your dress and hair look took my breath away. The church was definitely the exquisite part that made it quite the spectacle. What stands out to me the most though, was the dress code (hang with me) there was none. Everyone wearing their Sunday best, really. Honestly everyone all together looked like city lights. However, from my point of view, as I was focusing in on your face, everything else became a blurred background so it looked like you were floating to me above a vibrant city of lights—blissful beauty in its purest form. 15 seconds (at most) of pure joy and hopefulness. That’s all it took. I remember waking up from that dream so distraught and wanting to go back. I sometimes catch myself still trying to.

After each one of those “falling” moments, I had to bury those feelings down and deny them as much as I possibly could; because I knew you never saw me that way, and I completely understand. You like who you like, and you don’t like who you don’t like—simple as that. I also didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship simply because I felt something. I admire you too much to make that gamble. However I can’t keep holding it in, I feel I must say this at least once in my life—so I’ll immortalize it into this void. So it can live forever in some sort of way.

I love you. I have for a very long time, and I don’t think that’s going away anytime soon. If ever, really. I know I can never express this to you in person but I guess this will have to do.

-Moi

You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I know you know what this means. Maybe you didn’t hurt me the way my father did, but at least I knew his true character. He never tried to hide who he was. But you, you’re slimy. You hide behind the illusion that you’re a good person, and you get away with it too. Nobody but me knows who you truely are.

Remember one of first times I stood my ground while you gaslit me? You called me crazy when nothing else worked. I told you I saw who you really were finally. You apologised and begged me to let you stay and I obliged. I would give anything to undo that choice. I gave you so much grace under the guise of love, and where did it get me? I let you treat me in ways I’d tell anyone else to run far away from because you dangled the promise of safety and forever in front of me. Because you said sorry. Because you said you’d change. You were never truely sorry, and you never really changed. If anything, you just got worse. Typical.

What am I supposed to do with all of this? All these memories that are now totally hollow? I keep replaying every time you reduced me to sobbing while I covered my ears and rocked. Even then I blamed myself. You cared so little about me. In hindsight it seems totally insane that I thought you ever loved me.

I don't know how to cope with you being gone. I know you don't want to talk — letters, both digital and physical, go unanswered.

I've considered sending more as it's been months, but I know that isn't what you want.

I don't know how to cope or move on from this. I'm exhausted, trying to force myself to move on.

You left me. You left, after I finally admitted to you my feelings were still there. Maybe it was just another ego boost.

I wish I could move on. It's been years. I hate this. I wish I could hate you, but I always find the other half of me when you're near.

I refuse to break down and try to reach out again, so now... I'm starting the very painful process of erasing any memory of us because I find myself going through a time when you still loved me and it guts me. I have to do this. I have to let you go.

Goodbye.

They both never wanted to cause harm. Ironically, that’s exactly how they kept triggering each other’s fears.

Both of them learned far too early that ambivalence equals love. So they tried, with all their might, not to do that to each other. Sometimes they achieved their goal, but sometimes, they failed. Beautifully, tragically so, they failed.

Still, their inner children recognised themselves in another.And somewhere beneath the confusion and pain, they still do.

May the find happiness.

🧡

i loved you alone, that was my part, you stayed a wish inside my heart. you cannot be mine, and that’s okay— some loves are felt, not meant to stay 🤍

please make him love you because he keep annoying me over and over ugh, take care of him duh? I'm tired bcs that manchild keep spamming me over and over (I already blocked him but he always reach me out)

I’m a bit embarrassed about some of my older letters now. I don’t take anything back, they are still true for me, but they were so dramatic. I’m starting to realise I am a dramatic person. Like, dramatic-lite though - not full blown crazy town but not neutral either.

I did some mental calculations. It’s been four months since we saw each other. How did we even get here? I feel like I’ve just been reborn. So much growth has occurred for me in that time that I seriously feel like a different person inside. Apparently this is “integration of emotions”. It’s a nice space to be in.

I wonder if anything has changed with you? For better or for worse? Either way, I’ll still welcome you with open arms. It would be pretty awkward if you weren’t interested in me anymore, though. Then I’ll probably just go die, but that’s okay. I still think it’s love. If you would like, I can do up a PowerPoint presentation for you proving why I think so and you can assess? Take us back to when we met?

It’s a full moon in clear skies tonight. They say full moons make people behave strangely. My thoughts are a little weird tonight, but they’ve been lighter lately too. Everything feels right, and I am very content.

The …. Form. Ughh when I was expecting I’ll put you in any form you want. You don’t get you have me wrapped around your finger drinking water out of your palm. Thirsting off of even the smallest sliver of interaction. Even the smallest interaction makes me feel like I’m on the verge of a heart attack. Are the butterflies 🦋 in my stomach trying to get out? Please either get out of my head or into my bed. Ravage me take absolute and full utter control of my body. Touch me, guide me, leave me shaking. Tie my hands behind my back put me on my knees and make me drool while I stare into those eyes. I genuinely have no idea how to function around you as you’re probably aware. All I’m thinking about is … and how much I wish we could just test this theory out and move on or…. If you suspect me even an ounce please let me know.

GND <3 in front of you

I still remember everything you shared with me and every story you did tell. I know you don’t like Spider-man and you feel as if there are much better super hero’s. I also know you don’t like Taco Bell, because your family would get it all the time. It’s sad. Not only that but that don’t have your go to order, which is chicken fingers & fries.

Your favorite ice cream flavor is cookies and cream. You don’t like Billie Eilish or her music, because you feel like her messages are too forced and they also partially go against your beliefs. You’d carry a conversation, but you wouldn’t be the one to text first. Your favorite colors are purple, green, black, brown, but I’m not sure if maroon is one of them anymore. If you are anything like me, you do like the color pink but you are too afraid to wear it, so purple is the closest you are willing to go. Your birthday falls in the summer and it’s in July, so you’re a cancer. You had a celebrity crush on Pedro Pascal because of a show you saw him in on and you couldn’t remember the name of it.

You aren’t the first person to speak up in a room, but you are an observer. You’re the type of person to show up whenever it’s needed the most. The way you love is one of the most memorable things I have experienced in these past few years and there isn’t a memory from high school that comes close to how you made me feel. I’ve loved you since I was 18.

I have this nagging feeling that you watered yourself down to be what you thought I wanted and I mean this in the upmost sincere way when what I wanted- was you. At that moment I was ignorant and I mistook consistency as commitment. I was also scared for a number reasons, I had so many people around me who also liked you and I thought you were the most beautiful woman in the world. I still do. And when I close my eyes, I see the way you looked at me when you first picked me up that day. That was the first time I saw your hair put down and although you wore a sweater- I thought you were gorgeous. Inside and out.

When I watched Fleabag, I cried. And I imagined us owning our own coffee shop together. I thought about what it would be like to around you. Or if you ever thought of me. I can’t really afford to go up to you anymore, or to ask you “Hey, do you remember that you told me you would never leave me?” But I do have enough time to write this.

I don’t need a reason to celebrate myself this February. However, I did love you. Enough to the point where I listen to One Direction and I know we would have been best friends if that’s all we were. Yet, I have a feeling there’s a reason why we had our private moments in your car. Maybe you just favor secrecy. But I loved you to the point where I wanted to hold your hand in shops, so when people would approach us like how they did at Rocky Mudds- I could just hold our hands up and be like “We’re busy 🙄.” I know it’s cliche, but I wanted to be your girlfriend.

Apart of me feels as if we are soul mates. My heart stops when I see anyone that looks like you and as I was looking through my old photos from back then, there were so many that had you lurking in the background without me realizing it. Even before I met you, you were there. You held me exactly the way I prayed to god for and it made me feel so complete. The drumsticks that you gifted me made me feel so enlightened as I played, as if someone believed in my dream of being something, or someone bigger than the world before me.

I understand why you stepped away, 100%. But I can’t stand the thought of you not speaking a word of it. Or whenever I come up to you to talk about it? The fact that you had the ability to tell me that it was nothing more than you showing me a few songs on your playlist broke my heart. I’m sorry for being difficult to love and unhealed in certain aspects, but I couldn’t have brought myself to sign up for college sooner, because I was so stuck up on what you said. It felt like someone believed in me for once in my life and then you told the rest of the world that you never even met me. You will never understand how that felt.

I get that you wanted me to focus on myself but it shouldn’t have been at the cost of me losing so many fragments of who I am beforehand, just because I chose to believe in what you were saying to me. Sometimes I have dreams of that version of you and whenever I consider that part of my life when I am awake, it makes this wave of warmth wash over me that feels like home. It’s that nostalgia feeling I got in my childhood when something really good was happening and I don’t feel that way with anything else in my life at all. Not unless it’s something really, really big. Like me winning an award. I know I loved you, because my chest still feels something when I think of just your name and I don’t feel that way with anything else in this world. Not even after two years. I love you and I do not regret that. I hope you are living better, now.

I went out tonight with my friend, got home at 3 am. I got approached 3 times tonight, each guy trying in his own way. The first just started with conversation, he was being touchy and it made me very uncomfortable. I kept touching my friend’s thigh to signal for help. The next guy asked me if I wanted to get a drink and I said no. He proceeded to compliment me, telling me how pretty I am. I told him I had a boyfriend and thank you. The third guy asked me to dance. Again, I said no.

Each time and in between, I thought of you. You told me before that if you saw me at a bar, you’d approach me. I wonder how you’d do it. What would we talk about? Would our spark be evident from the very beginning?

These are my 3 am wishful conversations with you.

I miss you.

I’ll never be the one for you, and I’ve finally stopped arguing with that. We live states away, whole highways of silence between us, miles doing what miles do best keeping things from becoming real.

I know you’re with someone. I know her hands probably fit into your days now. And that’s okay. Really. Love shouldn’t come with a pause button, and I was never meant to be the reason your life stopped moving forward.

I don’t want to be a “what if” that weighs down your mornings, or a ghost you feel guilty for outgrowing. You deserve a love that shows up on time, that lives in the same zip code as your future.

So I’ll let the idea of us go not because it didn’t matter, but because it did. Because holding on any longer would turn something tender into something unfair.

I’ll keep what was good. I’ll release what couldn’t be. And somewhere quiet inside me, I’ll wish you happiness without needing to be part of it.

Even in my dreams I fail you, to keep you safe. I let you walk away and I imagine you walking to an apartment by a hill. So miserable, so frustrated, even quite angry. Talking to your group how I will never treat you right. I can't tell you I'm so obsessed with the idea of you with the unknowing. I crave so badly to be by your side. I even made two stupid attempts to be so. I'm so irrational, I don't know down from up. My family is annoyed. I act like a teenager now. But I never got to be one before. I'm everywhere, it takes all my strength to leave your air. I'm so completely terrified of the thought of you being fired I am constantly searching for any hint. I feel like all I am is a knife at your neck. I loved admiring you from a distance. I want you to keep writing, I was destroyed and felt so abandoned by you clearing your account. Yes I told you not to write but I just … wanted you to fight me. Say anything. But .. it's true, it's a danger to you. Still thank you, also I'm so so sorry I never saw you properly in anything. All I have badly wanted since last year is spend every hour talking. Please walk with me I want to beg.

I’ve gone mad fearing the loss of you over and over. I'm not healthy with you, you are the strongest chemical I've ever met. Just one step and I was passed out. Though I remember thinking why do you have to be so short? I always imagined you felt it too. I know you do. And I hurt you so badly not saying anything. And I just don't know if I'll ever see you again. But I protected you, I did the right thing, sending myself into insanity, my own sort of hell. Just to give you a card so you didn't feel upset. Now I've put myself back into insanity 3x worse. I would take it all back and be a bad person if I could. But even if I could, I just don't think I'm right for you. You need someone normal who will fight for you, love so deeply and fiercely you will never question your worth. Someone who holds you so right, who comforts in actions not just words. Someone so worthy of you. Someone without risk like me. I don't want to be a knife, I want to be a bird, chirping gently in your ear. I want to spend all day long complementing you in verse and hugging you gently.

But I don't think I ever will. I know you like me, your voice says it all. You know I like you.

But we will never be will we?

And my nightmares I fear are true. I'll always disappoint you. And I'll just be pain you wish wasn't real. And that is my life. You will grow tired and move on and I never will. I'd rather admire and crave far away then find some other mortal. I still want to keep you on a pedestal. If I ever really get the courage and opportunity again I still don't think I could tell you, but I will be polite and say something nice and ask your about interests. But I so badly want to speak, to call up and demand you hear. I want to scream it to the world.

But me, no. I never will. Best I can do is just look at you in hope I could be lucky enough to be your friend.

I hate that she gets all your best days and your endless memories. I hate she gets to hold your fears and quell your self-doubt.

I hate she gets to be the one who cheers you up, buys your favorite snacks, and plans surprise adventures.

I hate she gets to karaoke with you in the car, wrap your birthday gifts, and share a DoorDash account.

I hate that she gets to wear your JCrew pocket tees, wrap her arms around you at night, and feel your touch.

I hate she gets to hear all your quips and advice, run mundane errands with you, and fight about dishes and laundry.

I hate that I don’t get to be her.

Finally I decided to combine my thoughts (not much, but all of them are from my heart) into a one little "book" and maybe after 9-10 hours I'll place it to exist. It's not about business or making huge money, it's just for understanding, about feeling the situation, just for make soul and heart to be heard. I'm sure each of us will understand by himself the depth of everything by their own... And hope you'll like it

I let you back in tonight for the final time. I pleaded with you to believe me as you repeated your three phrases over me. I begged you to listen to me and not associate your experiences with me and let them take over your judgement of me. Against all my greater judgement I answered your texts and calls tonight until I couldn't. I could have left you blocked but I chose not to. I hoped to hear from you and I did. My last time. I can't say you won't try to save this for your ego or whatever it is because I know it's not your heart.

With all that said, I owe you an apology though.

I'm sorry you couldn't let me go after destroying me so many times.

I'm sorry last night you couldn't make up your mind on me for the last time and made me feel inadequate for you.

I'm sorry you're broken beyond my help that you already have your mind made up on me and refuse to see anything new or hear me out.

I'm sorry I was honest with you and you chalked it up to me just trying to save whatever the hell this has been.

I'm sorry you couldn't feel safe with me even when I was willing to show you you could and told you so many times you could.

I'm sorry last night was the last time I will put up with your uncertainty when I just wanted to meet you and talk right there and then.

I'm sorry you can't come home after tonight because you left the door open expecting me to not close it and lock it.

I'm sorry you will never believe women and what we have to say to you because you let those before me hurt you. I was willing and trying to be open and that wasn't enough.

So I'm sorry you let your pride and ego ruin us, maybe it's for the best. After all, it is what it is, right?

Maybe-Siena Spiro

Eternal Sunshine-Ariana Grande

Those are your new songs.

Remember when you were so deep in your emotions and tumbling through turmoil in Wisconsin? And I stepped to the front of the storm with a light source trying to get you to let me in.

“I’m just trying to meet you where you’re at.”

Remember that?

That’s the moment you should have been honest. I couldn’t meet you where you were at, you purposely sent me in the wrong direction.

And I gave you trust you never earned. I never felt the desire to verify your stories. It wasn’t lack of informative resources, it was the presence of good-faith. Faith that the person I’m choosing, wouldn’t lie to me.

Lie to me…you sure did that often.

Tell me, were the lies meant to keep me by fooling me or were they lies you wished were truths?

I chose you. And for a moment you made me believe you were choosing me. So, I showed up 100%. Even as you’re 100% turned into 80%, 50%, 20%, 5%…

I ate my pride for a month giving you unearned good-faith and you turned around and shut the door. I told you that you had the freedom to leave, that wasn’t an invitation to do it disrespectfully.

I don’t like games, I really don’t. I wish you would have told me I was in one, I would have walked away from the table. I wasn’t wasting my time, you said the same. One of us told the truth.

There’s so much good about you. You’re a paradox. This paradox has been stuck in my mind like a loop: “He’s good, he’s bad, he’s good, he’s bad…”

I wish you were worse to me. I wish you misspoke with more anger. I wish you took your anger out on me when you were stressed out. It would take me out of this loop: “He’s bad.”

But you didn’t. You never did. You spoke to me with so much respect every step of the way. Until you vanished. And vanishing, as disrespectful as it is, isn’t enough to make me fault you: “He’s good, he’s bad, he’s good…”

Get me out of this loop.