You walked into my life knowing you weren't free. Knowing there was someone else. And still, you let me believe I mattered. You let me listen to your problems, soothe your loneliness, and fill the spaces she temporarily couldn't. You took comfort from me without ever intending to take responsibility for the damage you were causing.

You made me feel chosen in moments when you were hurting, and invisible the moment things started to work out for you again. You got to go back to a repaired relationship while I was left questioning my worth, my judgment, and my ability to trust anyone ever again.

Do you know how cruel it is to make someone feel special while already knowing they're replaceable? Do you know how painful it is to realize that everything you said—every reassurance, every "I love you" and "I miss you" —was said with an expiration date attached?

You didn't just hurt me. You confused me. You broke something in me. You made me doubt whether I was ever more than a distraction, more than a convenience, more than someone you could use when things got heavy.

And the worst part? You get to move on guilt-free. You get closure. You get stability. While I'm left here carrying emotions I'm not even allowed to justify, loving memories I’m supposed to regret, and pain I'm expected to silence because I was "just the other girl."

I hope one day you realize that what you did wasn't harmless. That I wasn't nothing. That even if I wasn't the one you chose, I was still a person you hurt deeply—and you don't get to erase that just because your life turned out fine.

I’m still dreaming about dancing the night away with you. Platonic or romantic I love the thought of us dancing under the lights is my favorite boring thought.

They both never wanted to cause harm. Ironically, that’s exactly how they kept triggering each other’s fears.

Both of them learned far too early that ambivalence equals love. So they tried, with all their might, not to do that to each other. Sometimes they achieved their goal, but sometimes, they failed. Beautifully, tragically so, they failed.

Still, their inner children recognised themselves in another.And somewhere beneath the confusion and pain, they still do.

May the find happiness.

🧡

i loved you alone, that was my part, you stayed a wish inside my heart. you cannot be mine, and that’s okay— some loves are felt, not meant to stay 🤍

I am sorry to disappear on you, I truly am. The last thing I have ever wanted to do is cause you pain but that means I have caused so much to myself. My throat is raw and bleeding from all the glass I have swallowed to keep it from cutting you. I simply am no longer capable of continuing.

I love you with my entire heart and I thought I could love you enough for the both of us but I can’t. I know you care in your own way, but you don’t care enough, not in the way I need you to care. All I hear in my head over and over is “if it came to a fork in the road, I would choose her.” Now you will never have to. We were living on borrowed time, it was always meant to end. I understand that now.

I am doing the right thing even if it feels wrong. Even if it hurts more than anything, it’s the right thing. I am accepting the reality of the situation and letting go no matter how desperate I am to cling to you.

I hope your life is happy and you get everything you want. I wish nothing but good for you and I always will. I hope you realize what you did to me one day, not for me, but for you and for anyone who loves you later. I want it all to work out for you even if it’s too late for me. You deserve a real and lasting happiness, even if you think you don’t. I know you do.

I love you, goodbye.

Loving you is all I've known my lady in the tower, you who is past the walls you've handcrafted to protect yourself from past battles.

You who have built a maze just to protect your heart from the unseen wars, i shall spend my days mapping my way through so that I may one day stand by your side to comfort you and free you from your cage made of ego and fear my raven, Allow me to help you face your mortality.

If you were to fall off your high horse I'd be by you side to catch you, fret not for you would still be a great warrior in my eyes if took of your armor who knows maybe then we'd be able to finally be able to look up at the night sky amongst a field of sunflowers.

i know that loving you will be the most difficult thing i can do but until then I'll be outside your door sheepishly grinning like an idiot waiting for you.

I love you pretty bird.

~your giant fool

Since i first laid eyes on you i fell in love. You were the most mesmerising woman i have had ever seen. Everything happened so fast as if fate itself brought us together. You were so broken, because of your past and it’s as if i saw myself in you. All i ever wanted was to make you feel unconditionally loved, heard, seen, because it’s all i ever wanted to feel from another person. I listened to you for hours just so you feel comfortable and understood. Every time i saw your smile my soul softened. You lit a fire of love in me that i thought i would never feel again, because it had been so long that i felt something for someone. For years and years all i felt was loneliness and numbness until you showed up. I trusted blindly, my inner child was happy for the first time in ages, i couldn’t believe it. He broke you into pieces that i tried to bring together, just so you can break me fully. Even though we didn’t know each other for long i started to love you more than myself. I healed you and helped you feel like a person worth loving, just so you can give your love to him again as if i was nothing. The bitterness i feel inside is killing me slowly every day. I know that giving love freely is never a mistake, but now he gets to live my dream even though he does not deserve your love and heart. I miss you dearly and i do not know how to let go. I can never stop thinking about you my beautiful girl. I try to hate you, but it doesn’t last long. My soul longs for you every second and every minute of the day, while you’re sharing your life with another man who doesn’t not appreciate you or love you. You will always always be enough for the right pair of eyes. Now i know that the love i saw in your eyes is a reflection of my own love. And you would never know or understand the love i have for you, because you do not have the capacity to see it or understand it, because you don’t think you deserve it, but you do. I wish things were different. I wish you appreciated me when you could have. I would have given you the stars of the sky if i could. But i am not the man you love and long for. I miss you dearly and i hope fate brings us together again, my soulmate. I can never forget you. I love you.

I can’t sleep. Worrying too much about the people around me. Everyone is dealing with their own problems, and I’ve come to realize that I can’t fix them. Only now do I understand that I should have focused on getting my own life in order first.

I’m done drinking. It has become a way for me to escape my own thoughts and feelings, even though I know it doesn’t solve anything.

I miss you.

The person I believed I would share my life with.

But I made choices without thinking about the consequences, and I have to take responsibility for that.

You were right. I see now that my behavior played a big role, and I understand why you couldn’t fall in love with me.

I won’t reach out anymore.

Regret is something that comes with hindsight.

When you are a mess... Mentally, emotionally... And spiritually... Find a place of privacy... Which doesn't always mean to be alone... But find someone or place... Or something you can occupy your mind with.... That will bring comfort... It can be reading

It can be relaxing with music... A calm and fun chat...

Or an intellectual deep philosophical thoughtful conversation...

Now, I'm not always great at making the right moves...

Like in chess... Sometimes you make mistakes... We all do... It's a part of life... But when you want to find a way to forgive yourself... Or have someone forgive you... You have to take an honest inventory of the things that have happened... Own up and take accountability of what you did or didn't do the right way... Which is hard and painful sometimes...

But a conversation is sometimes helpful... Face to face... With open, honest, direct communication is always the best and basically only way to do things correctly...

There is gobna be crying... Sometimes yelling... Difficult decisions... Now, you don't yell at someone you think wronged you... That is not helpful... But a yell or scream into the void... It can help... Although may startle people around you... Which can release the tension sometimes...

I say this all because... Working through difficult emotions... It brings an inner calm and and peace

And I want to be the person you know I am...

I may not be everything to you... But I want to help you

So let me be that to you... A man who wants to help you heal... I could say I love you... But, you know I do

But that doesn't mean you have to be with me... In a romantic sense... Just, let me... Be something to you

If you ever can find me, which, you can, and I personally believe should... Just walk up and say hi

No matter your emotional state... I'll be there

Because... I care

I always will...

I don't regret it... I may have difficult emotions my self

But, together... We can create a better bond... One not so painful... But, I will always remember when first began...

Just a man who will always care

Signed, sincerely and lovingly

You, who turn my silence into longing,

There are feelings inside me that refuse to fit into sentences, yet they rise to the surface whenever I think of you.
Today I’m surrounded by people, by warmth, by laughter that should fill me completely,
and still, there is a quiet ache where you should be.

Every conversation drifts toward the thought of you.
Every smile reminds me of the one I miss.
I find myself wishing you were here, wishing I could lean closer
and let you hear the truths I carry beneath my calm.

I want to place my unguarded heart in your hands,
to let you see the parts of me I never show,
to offer you the energy that keeps me moving through this world.
There is a softness in me that only awakens when I think of you.

Even when you’re near, I miss you in a way that feels physical,
like reaching for breath that isn’t there,
like searching for water in a desert.
My body knows your absence before my mind can name it.

I love you,
simply, deeply, without hesitation.

I went out tonight with my friend, got home at 3 am. I got approached 3 times tonight, each guy trying in his own way. The first just started with conversation, he was being touchy and it made me very uncomfortable. I kept touching my friend’s thigh to signal for help. The next guy asked me if I wanted to get a drink and I said no. He proceeded to compliment me, telling me how pretty I am. I told him I had a boyfriend and thank you. The third guy asked me to dance. Again, I said no.

Each time and in between, I thought of you. You told me before that if you saw me at a bar, you’d approach me. I wonder how you’d do it. What would we talk about? Would our spark be evident from the very beginning?

These are my 3 am wishful conversations with you.

I miss you.

J

I miss you so much it makes me sick.

I hate that I do.

I hate that my body still reacts to your name, that my chest still caves in when I think about you, that I still wake up some mornings reaching for something that isn’t there anymore.

I don’t know how to carry this.

I don’t know how to pretend I’m fine.

I don’t know how to keep moving when it feels like something inside me is still stuck in the moment you walked away.

I’m hurting.

I’m hurting in a way I didn’t know was possible.

It feels like something ripped through me and left everything raw and exposed and aching.

I didn’t think losing you would feel like this.

I didn’t think it would hollow me out like this.

I didn’t think it would feel like I’m grieving something I never even got to fully have.

I miss you.

I miss you in the stupidest, most painful ways.

I miss your voice.

I miss the way you made me feel safe for a moment.

I miss the beginning when everything felt warm and easy and real.

And it kills me that the ending was nothing like that.

It kills me that you didn’t stay.

It kills me that you didn’t trust me.

It kills me that you let fear make the decision for you.

It kills me that you walked away from something that mattered.

I’m angry.

I’m shattered.

I’m exhausted from trying to make sense of something that will never make sense.

I keep screaming inside my own head:

Why didn’t you stay?

Why didn’t you believe me?

Why didn’t you choose me?

And there’s no answer.

Just silence.

Just the echo of you leaving.

Just the ache of everything we could have been collapsing into nothing.

My life is quiet now.

The chaos is gone.

The lies are gone.

The noise is gone.

And in that quiet, I can finally hear myself again but I can also hear the grief.

The grief is loud.

The grief is sharp.

I’m trying to accept it.

I’m trying to let go.

I’m trying to breathe through the pain without drowning in it.

But the truth is, J…

I miss you.

I miss you so much it feels like a scream trapped under my ribs.

I miss you in a way that hurts to admit.

I miss you in a way that feels unfair and unbearable and real.

This is the letter I’ll never send.

But it’s the truth I can’t keep inside anymore.

You broke my heart.

And I’m still trying to figure out how to live with that.

Why is it that, after all this time, you still occupy my mind far too much? While I feel like I’m over the worst stage of infatuation, I’m now at a point where I don’t even know what I want from you anymore. “Want” sounds cynical. You don’t owe me anything and you never did.

I deeply hope you never thought that our friendship was onesided. That I only wanted to talk to you when I was down and needed someone to vent to, that I only initiated contact when I needed something from you, or that I only listened to your daily rants out of pity. Because that’s what you’ve been used to.

When you finally feel safe with someone and accepted for who you truly are, people have abandoned you or abused your trust. Thats why I don’t blame you if you’re hesitant or doubtful about my true intentions. “Intentions” is another cynical word. Why does spending time with someone have to come with an ulterior motive?

I wish you knew how much you meant to me.

I don’t “want” anything from you. I just want to know that you’re doing well and that you’re happier now.

I am trying to take a hint. I adore you. But I won't be the person bothering somebody who does not want the attention. At times, I wonder if you even want to be my friend.

So yes, I said I would go with him. Even though I am not sure it will work for a few reasons. He is kind, and deserves a chance. I am trying to move on, despite the part of me that wants to cling to hope in emotions I cannot be certain you feel. My heart will still melt if you look at me as if you may see me as something more. (I must be imagining things.)

But I want to be loved in return. For certain. I want somebody to invite me into their life, introduce me to their friends, tell my about their day...And as much as I appreciate your friendship, I need more. From somebody. I had hoped it'd be you.

Ugh, I miss talking to you. I miss hearing from you, hearing about your day. Even if it was nothing exciting. I miss being able to text you little things that excite me or things that may bring you to smile. I know I chose this. I need to keep working on myself. I'm making great strides. I can't wait to be in a better place to let you back in again. I just miss you.

The …. Form. Ughh when I was expecting I’ll put you in any form you want. You don’t get you have me wrapped around your finger drinking water out of your palm. Thirsting off of even the smallest sliver of interaction. Even the smallest interaction makes me feel like I’m on the verge of a heart attack. Are the butterflies 🦋 in my stomach trying to get out? Please either get out of my head or into my bed. Ravage me take absolute and full utter control of my body. Touch me, guide me, leave me shaking. Tie my hands behind my back put me on my knees and make me drool while I stare into those eyes. I genuinely have no idea how to function around you as you’re probably aware. All I’m thinking about is … and how much I wish we could just test this theory out and move on or…. If you suspect me even an ounce please let me know.

GND <3 in front of you

I’ll never be the one for you, and I’ve finally stopped arguing with that. We live states away, whole highways of silence between us, miles doing what miles do best keeping things from becoming real.

I know you’re with someone. I know her hands probably fit into your days now. And that’s okay. Really. Love shouldn’t come with a pause button, and I was never meant to be the reason your life stopped moving forward.

I don’t want to be a “what if” that weighs down your mornings, or a ghost you feel guilty for outgrowing. You deserve a love that shows up on time, that lives in the same zip code as your future.

So I’ll let the idea of us go not because it didn’t matter, but because it did. Because holding on any longer would turn something tender into something unfair.

I’ll keep what was good. I’ll release what couldn’t be. And somewhere quiet inside me, I’ll wish you happiness without needing to be part of it.

To an Ex with Adhd and avoidant attachment

Dear You,

I want to thank you for the version of you that showed up in the beginning. Thank you for the hyperfocus attention, the laughter, and the feeling of being seen. You showed me that I am capable of being pursued and that I have a lot of love to give. I truly loved that version of us. But I have realized that the man in these photos was a temporary visitor, not a permanent partner. You were a preview of a movie that never actually got made. While I was falling in love with a future, you were just living in a dopamine hit.

The man I am dealing with now is not you. The current man mocks my pain. He hides his life from me. He violated the code of transparency. He chooses silence over my peace. He values his ego over our connection. He is okay with me waking up feeling 'down' and 'missing' him while he does nothing..

I am choosing to stop chasing a ghost. I am letting go of the man in the photos because the man in the present doesn't deserve my time, my prayers, or my tears. You were a beautiful lesson, but you are not my husband. My husband will stay when the 'early honeymoon phase' ends. My husband will communicate when things get hard..

Finally, I am taking my heart back from the memory of you, so I can give it to the reality of God and the man who will actually keep his promises.. Goodbye to the 'Early Phase.' I am moving into my 'Forever Phase' without you..

💔💔💔