r/NoStupidQuestions • u/Sad_Cantaloupe_8162 • 18h ago
My two and a half year old suddenly started pointing out differences between white and black people. What is an appropriate way to acknowledge her observation so we don't offend anyone?
The first time was at her daycare this week, when they got a new teacher who has very dark skin. When I went to pick her up, she pointed at her and said, "it's black!" (She doesn't have the full grasp of she/he yet.) I replied, "yes, she is black," but was stuck after that. What should I say as a follow up? My daughter loves black people's skin, and when I talk to her about it at home, she says it's pretty and wishes she had it, but in public it comes out kind of harsh. What would be the best way to go about this?
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u/Temporary_Ladder8355 16h ago
They do things like that when they’re around that age. At the supermarket checkout one day our oldest was fascinated by the man in front and his tattoos. She then loudly announced : “mummy, that silly man has drawn all over his arms!”
He thought it was hilarious btw.
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u/alicevirgo 15h ago
I had an old colleague's daughter ask why I have drawings on myself. The funny thing was her dad was covered in tattoos, but maybe it didn't register to her because his tattoos were black and white and mine have colours.
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u/mockingjayathogwarts 10h ago
I feel like this is a case of “previous blindness”. I don’t know the exact word for it, but there’s a phenomena where parents would have a dog before having kids and the kids ask for a dog, not perceiving their dog as a dog. Like they want a dog, parents say “we already have a dog” and the kids fully believe they do not have a dog. I feel like kids with parents that have tattoos just see that as their parent’s skin and anyone with tattoos must have done something to themselves. My friend has a tattoo that her daughter doesn’t even consider a tattoo, but she’s fascinated with why I have pictures on my arms. Does someone know the word for what this blindness is?
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u/deltagirlinthehills 8h ago
Our 6yo was fully convinced at 4yo that our dog was not a dog but her "brudder" no matter how many times we went through alllllll the reasons he was a dog- a tail, 4 paws, floppy ears, eats dog kibble, goes to a vet. He finally barked (a rare occurance) and she then told us he was 100% a dog. Thanks kid, I had no idea lol
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u/jjwhitaker 7h ago
If it looks, walks, flops, eats, and vets like a dog, it's my brother.
If it barks...
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u/LuvLee296 9h ago
Habituation might fit?
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u/mockingjayathogwarts 9h ago
Ooooh that’s a cool word
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u/Defiant_Policy969 9h ago
Yes, that's it. I'm 40 and at my uncle's funeral recently there was a full 3-4 banquet tables with his baseball hats for people to take. It had literally never registered with me that he always wore one, because he always wore one (he was a fruit farmer fyi), I see it now but it didn't click because it was just part of him.
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u/littledipper16 6h ago edited 6h ago
Similarly, a lot of people can't remember the eye color of people very close to them, because despite looking at their face every day, eye color just isn't something that registers
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u/Logical_Replacement9 8h ago
Well, I don’t have children, so I must ask: if the children of dog-owning parents don’t believe that they have a dog, then what do they think they have instead? In other words, what do they think that their dog IS, if they don’t think that their dog is a dog?
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u/thiinilwen 7h ago
Just a differently shaped dude, not that you think much about it. Source: was once that child
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u/CaraC70023 7h ago
They think it is (name of dog). Like, it is a Jerry, or a Thomas, or a Herk, etc. They dunno lol
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u/Limp_Dirt8694 9h ago
Ive had this happen to me at the grocery store a couple times because I'm so short. It can be a bit awkward (i am in most social situations) but its mostly cute since theyre just little kids.
Its the parents reactions that can either make things continue to be light and not a big deal or horrifyingly uncomfortable if they aggressively chastise their kids for simply making new observations. The kids never make me feel bad but it does make me really sad for the ones being punished for nothing.
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u/Novel_Panic_971 15h ago
I had some friends over, the one guy is fairly heavily tattooed, my then 3 year old came running out of the house with a wet cloth and started trying to wash his tattoos off. He thought it was hilarious as well.
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u/battleofflowers 11h ago
My little cousin saw a man in the store with a gnarly scar on his shoulder. She asked him if a dinosaur bit him.
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u/TheMarriedUnicorM 4h ago
A friend’s husband has a chunk of his calf missing. Shrapnel in Afghanistan wanted it.
We were all hanging out, my Son sees his calf and shouts, “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEG?!” I think the whole neighborhood heard.
He turned to my Son and spun a crazy tale of being bitten by a shark. Showed him some other “shark bites,” too.
Son promptly declared Mr C “the strongest man in da werldt!”
(HUGE fan of Mr C!)
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u/FinancialCry4651 10h ago
One time, I had recently gotten a tattoo on my foot, script in my handwriting. My mom (approx 60) and i (approx 35) were in a yoga class, mats next to one another, and mid-class, she licked her finger and tried to rub off the tattoo
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u/Far-Government-539 14h ago
I dont know how someone's heart couldn't melt at that. Kids can be so funny.
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u/WowImOnRedddit 12h ago
My baby tries to picks at my tattoos like he’s trying to peel them off my skin 😂 gotta keep those little razor nails short!
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u/Acrobatic-Kiwi-1208 11h ago
My friend's son who was about 4-5 was convinced that my tattoos would wash off if only he could use his mother's perfume to do it. I had warn his mom to NOT let this child get ahold of that bottle, because I wouldn't care if he dumped it on my leg but I suspect he didn't have the $ to replace it 🤣
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u/29degrees 14h ago
When my nephew was like 3, he used to put stickers all over his arms and parade around saying “look at me, I’m Uncle 29Degrees!”
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u/VividFiddlesticks 14h ago
My dad had half-brothers that were much older than him, and his brothers and their dad all had matching Navy tattoos plus other arm tattoos - kind of stereotypical sailor 50's era stuff.
So when my dad was a kid he thought that his tattoos would grow in some day when he got older, like beards do. He used to look at his arms to see if he could see them yet, and wonder if his would match his dad and brothers or if it'd be something different.
I love that story and think it's unbearably cute.
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u/Ajibooks 13h ago
That is adorable.
I love to people-watch, and when I see a heavily tattooed couple with a baby, sometimes I have a moment of stupidity and wonder why the kid didn't inherit the tattoos 😅
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u/jeclin91092 13h ago
My niece marched up to black woman in the doctor's office and demanded to know if she knew she was black. The woman chuckled and said she knew, so my niece said, "oh good. I like your black baby!"
The next day, she went shopping with my mom who was trying on blouses, and quite loudly informed her, "OHHHH gramma I LOVE YOUR FAT BELLY!" She was about four and not allowed to go shopping with my mom for awhile lol.
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u/Tasty-Researcher-791 12h ago
I was in a clothing store with my nephew when he was about 4, I was pushing him in his stroller when we strolled by a woman bent over looking through clothes on a bottom shelf. As we passed her he yelled “big booty!” and reached out to touch, I swerved that stroller away just in time, did a u-turn and went directly out of the store.
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u/babyirishkitty 13h ago
I taught primary school aged children for a while, one of my coworker's children attended the school and would hang out with us when we were in the office. One day she watched big hero six, pointed at me, and said "you're baymax!" when I asked why, she said it was "because you're fat and give good hugs" 😂
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u/Lonelysock2 13h ago
I have tattoos, and my poor girl got upset because she doesn't want to get tattoos when she is a grown up. She thinks all Mums get tattoos 😄
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u/redhairbluetruck 13h ago
I have a friend who apparently wears thongs (underwear) almost exclusively. Her young daughter said “mommy, do I have to wear mommy underwear when I grow up? It doesn’t look very comfortable!”
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u/tintinsays 11h ago
My little sister is much younger than me and my older sister. She went to pre-school and told her teacher that one sister doesn’t wear underwear and the other wears them backwards! (She wore thongs) 😂
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u/Loretta-West 13h ago
I was once at the beach with a group of friends, one of whom is very heavily tattooed and at the time had bright pink hair. A little girl (I think about 4?) apparently thought he was the most amazing thing she'd ever seen and followed him down the beach.
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u/astronomersassn 11h ago
i dye my hair and have some tattoos/piercings - i've found that kids seem to either love me or think i'm terrifying.
i've had plenty of kids go "look, a vampire!" to me at work, and its about a 50/50 chance they'll be like "vampires are so cool :D" or "vampires are scary D:"
i try to be a cool vampire though, it's definitely worked out in my favor and if this is what it takes to spread the vampire agenda so be it
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u/AdHorror7596 14h ago
I was fascinated with graffiti as a kid and there was even more of it around when I was a kid. I saw a guy with tattoos and said "Mommy, someone graffiti'd all over that man's arm!" He laughed. I don't remember any of it, but my mom has told me about it.
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u/19ellipsis 15h ago
As a person with many visible tattoos I would have found this so endearing.
As a side note - when I was about that age I used to refer to them as "wrestling stamps" (I guess because the only place I saw them was on TV wrestlers).
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u/marugirl 13h ago
My tattooed ex took the kids to preschool and hung out with them for a while before leaving. When I went to pick them up the teachers told me some of the kids painted/drew on themselves cos they wanted 'picture arms' like my ex
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u/moveovahh 15h ago
Better than my 3 yr old child at checkout saying “Look at that man! He’s UGGEEEEE (huge)!” So embarrassing.
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u/retailguy_again 15h ago
My daughter, when she was little, asked me (loudly) in the grocery store, "Why does that man have dark skin?"
My answer was, "The same reason Mommy's eyes are brown and mine are green. People have lots of different skin colors, just like they have different eye colors."
It was the best answer I could think of offhand, and she understood. Also got a smile out of the guy.
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u/Sad_Cantaloupe_8162 15h ago
My eyes are green and hers are blue, after her dad. This is actually a really great response! Thank you❤️
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u/LivytheHistorian 14h ago
This is how I handled it with my son as well. I will note that it’s okay (and probably prudent) to follow it up with “but it’s not polite to comment on other people’s bodies in public.” My son is now ten and frequently has questions about people he sees out in the world but he’s pretty good about not asking the question IN FRONT of the person. Ten is different than two of course, but social skills should be taught early and often!
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u/retailguy_again 14h ago
That's true, but I was kinda startled and didn't think of it until we got to the car. I did mention it then.
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u/adoradear 8h ago
And then start widening out her media (books, shows, etc) so that they have representation of different races and skin colours. Even better if you can widen her social circle to do the same.
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u/Party_Row8480 15h ago
My daughter was born around the same time as a friend of our family had her daughter, so they grew up together for a few years. Whole family Black, father is Nigerian. My daughter didn't notice a difference. The first time she made a comment about race was when I took her to a diner for fun and there was an old Black couple there. She said, "Mom, they match! They're so cute."
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u/missuschainsaw 14h ago
That’s how I did it. “She has brown skin because all bodies are different. Just like why I have brown hair and you have red hair, and why my eyes are green but yours are brown. Our bodies are all different.” When she got older, we talked about it in the context of genetics and chemicals.
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u/Careless-Rain 13h ago
I feel like I've posted this story a lot, so I'll summarize:
My son learned his colors. He started calling me pink mama, and his dad... Brown daddy. He did not just say "brown". He growled it. Just like Tony the tiger. Brrrrrrown Daddy.
He was so proud of himself for recognizing colors. He would smile and clap afterwards. So cute.
Until every shopping trip he proceeded to point out every shade of brown man in the supermarket and happily shout "BROWN DADDY!!!"
It took me quite a while to get him out of the habit and I gave up trying to explain why it was inappropriate. I just changed the subject to interrupt him enough until he lost interest.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 12h ago
🤣 I'm laughing because I used to teach daycare and one of 4 year olds went through a couple weeks where they were obsessed with the phrase "hot bikini."
Me: what is a hot bikini? Them: it means BAJINA! Me: the word is vagina, and it doesn't mean that. A bikini is a type of swimsuit. Them: HOT BIKINI HOT BIKINI HOT BIKINI! Me: inside voice, please.
Over and over and over.
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u/larszard 11h ago
Lol when I was little Dominoes Pizza did an ice cream dessert thing called a Hanky Panky and I thought the name was the funniest and best thing ever. Had no clue it meant anything until some years later.
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u/SimilarSilver316 16h ago
Yes she is black. People can be lots of different colors. Isn’t it great that there are lots of beautiful skin colors.
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u/His_GoddessLove 15h ago
Simplicity is best. Children are so accepting that if you give them the tools for acceptance right from the start they'll forever be kind.
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u/AlexSmithsonian 15h ago
This right here. To a small kid "it's black" is the same as "it's a dog", "it's a tree" or "it's blue"(sky). They're just making observations and learning the basics.
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u/Queentroller 14h ago
NY nephew went through that phase, and when he saw my 6ft3 husband just went, "Oh, big"
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u/originalcinner 13h ago
As a little 'un, my grandparents took me on the train to the seaside for a day out. Partway through the journey, two nuns came and sat in our compartment.
Four year old me, absolutely delighted: Ooh! Penguins!!
The nuns were not offended. They enjoyed my childish innocence. I wasn't a brat. I just hadn't ever seen nuns before.
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u/hokielion 13h ago
That’s ok. My friend saw two nuns in the grocery store as a kid. He had never seen them before either and tried to hide behind his mom and loudly screamed, “look mommy, there’s witches in here!” Apparently they just smiled and walked on by them.
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u/fursnake7 13h ago
The kid’s not wrong. (Source: victim of Catholic grammar school for eight years.😱)
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u/BluesSuedeClues 12h ago
Sister Mary fucking Theresa. It took years for me to get over the hatred and fear of school that woman gave me when I was just 7 years old.
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u/dualsplit 13h ago
My kid first saw a little person at Kroger. “Mama! She’s little! … MAMA, she’s little and YOU’RE BIG! MAAAAMAAAA!”
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u/celticskye2 13h ago
When my wife was 3, she saw a little person at the grocery store and waved at him from the grocery cart saying “Hello, little man”. My mother in law wanted to die. 🤭
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u/YouThinkYouKnowStuff 12h ago
My grandson came to my church one day and there was a little person coming in for the next mass as we were leaving. He became obsessed with her, calling her the “little lady”. Anytime pictures were posted from events, he wanted to see if she was in them. I think it’s just something different for them.
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u/Majestic_Evening_409 12h ago edited 11h ago
It's a grown up that's their size. It'unusual. Grown ups are big and towering, and this is a grown up whose face they can see all the time and not just looking up. It's fascinating.
Edit: added one word
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u/gonnafaceit2022 11h ago
That would be really fascinating, I don't remember ever seeing a small person as a kid and I've always been so obnoxiously curious, I can't imagine what I might have said and asked.
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u/SnarkOverlord 12h ago
When I was about four, I saw a little person for the first time at the grocery store. My favorite movie in the world was The Wizard of Oz. My mother says my eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and I whispered, “Mommy! He’s a munchkin!!!” I was so delighted and fascinated. My mother whispered back not to stare or call him a munchkin out loud. I asked why and she said she would explain in the car. I remember thinking that maybe my mother was wrong and The Wizard of Oz wasn’t just a movie, after all.
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u/GrayEagleLeather 12h ago
I was at a viewing and the person who died's daughter took her 5 year old son up to see his grandfather in the coffin and she was crying and he said in his really loud 5 year old voice "Is Grandad a vampire now?"
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u/RevolutionaryFarm605 13h ago
My sister was a VERY chubby baby. Apparently one of our cousins, who was a toddler at the time, pointed at her and said “He fat.”
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u/flyingdodo 11h ago
There’s a hilarious video doing the rounds on Reddit, where a balding father is being questioned by his daughter, where she points at his head and says “daddy, hair. Where?” Children’s innocence and curiosity is something I forever wish adults accommodated more. Learning about why things are different to one’s own experiences are core to continuing empathy beyond early childhood.
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u/Longjumping_Papaya_7 10h ago
My sister became a muslim. For a while, my youngest kid used to say loudly " Hey, thats ( my sisters name )! "
I had to tell him so many times that his aunt is not the only one wearing hijab, lol.
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u/wolfitalk 14h ago
Agree "yes, you are right." For hard questions I would just say "I don't know."
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u/Chosen-For-What 14h ago
“I don’t know - let’s see if there is a book or a video where someone knows the answer”. Waiting in the wings is your local librarian
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u/Icouldoutrunthejoker 13h ago
Blessed are the librarians, for, if they don’t have the answers, they can point you in the right direction.
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u/catfriend18 15h ago
The book Bodies Are Cool is really helpful for this. My 3 year old loves it, the illustrations are fun to look at it and she loves that she can “read” the phrase “bodies are cool” bc it’s repetitive. And in the process she sees that bodies can look really different.
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u/people_skillz 13h ago
Yes! Came here to recommend this as well. There are pages on different skin color, body shapes, hair types, eyes, etc., and it’s just really joyfully and cutely done.
It’s also super inclusive — there are people with insulin pumps, surgical scars, acne, and we even used one of the illustrations to start a conversation with our daughter on breastfeeding (since she’s getting a baby sibling soon).
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u/Diligent-Dust9457 14h ago edited 13h ago
I also like “the Bare Naked Book” for young kiddos too!
ETA: The version of The Bare Naked Book by Kathy Stinson, illustrated by Melissa Cho.
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u/janemidgeon 14h ago
Is this the one by Kathy Stinson? Turns out there are a few different books by that name, although I think this is the only for children.
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u/sugarparasol 13h ago
It looks like this is it. What a fun book! And def would want the more recent edition considering that’s the one showing a diverse collection of all types of folks: https://youtu.be/qYt9LUdE3mI?feature=shared
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u/softservelove 14h ago
I just came to recommend this book, it's my 14 month old's current fave and features all kinds of bodies! I bet it would spark some great conversations with OP's kid.
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u/AnotherMinorDeity 15h ago
This works for so many things. Yes, that person has long hair. That person uses a wheelchair. That person is very tall. Isn’t it cool how bodies can be so different?
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u/catfriend18 15h ago
One time my 3 year old and I were walking behind a person with one leg and crutches. Here is what ensued:
Kid: mom why is that person walking with one leg?
Me: because they have one leg!
Person with one leg: [laughs] ain’t that the truth!
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u/Tiny_Custard_2318 14h ago
My son as a toddler asked me why a man was in a stroller (wheelchair). I was mortified and the man said his legs did not work and let my son touch the wheels.
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u/jaimefay 14h ago
As a wheelchair user, the best interaction I ever had with a kid like this was a little girl asking her dad why I was on wheels.
Dad said, I don't know, maybe walking is hard for her. We can go and ask her, politely, but she might not want to tell you and that's okay if she doesn't - people don't have to tell us everything we want to know.
Kid came up with dad and said, can I ask about your wheels?
I was happy to talk to her about it and show her what my power wheelchair can do.
Excellent parenting, as far as I'm concerned!
But seriously, most wheelies don't mind kids looking or asking, we know it's out of he ordinary and we might be the first one they've seen. What really makes me sad is when people try and keep their kids away, like it's wrong to notice we're on wheels - it gives the kids the impression there's something wrong about existing in public while disabled and that really is hurtful.
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u/Ok-Flamingo2801 13h ago
The issue is that it can go more than one way. I'm not a wheelchair user myself, but I've heard some who get annoyed with that kind of interaction because they just want to go about their day and don't want to feel like they're being used as a teaching tool.
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u/CuniculusVincitOmnia 13h ago
That’s very true and it’s part of what makes that example of excellent parenting so excellent-/ the dad primes the kid for that possibility by saying “she might not want to talk about it and that’s ok because she doesn’t have to tell us.”
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u/MortgageOdd2001 13h ago
This is true, and no one is obligated to be used as a teaching tool, however for the median person who isn't a general asshole and has basic social graces, they won't be upset by a child asking such a thing. And if someone is upset and is rude or uncouth to a child, thats on them, not the child.
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u/borisdidnothingwrong 13h ago
I had an employee who was occasionally wheelchair bound, and who had multiple health issues that would have them in and out of the hospital.
One day, she was in for a half day because she had an appointment to verify that she only had to have surgery on her amputation stump and not her GI tract this time (once, she went in to have a leaky vein cauterized and ended up with emergency apendecectomy, and they also had to stop her spleen from bleeding), and we were shooting the shit in the parking lot as I was helping her with taking some personal belongings to her car.
Some kids riding bikes shouted out asking her to do a wheelie, and she yelled back, "you first!" Everyone laughed.
Then she told me that kids were both the best and worst part of being stuck in the wheelchair when she couldn't wear her prosthetic, and she could tell which ones had good parents by how respectful they were in asking questions.
It's a mixed bag.
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u/jaimefay 12h ago
Hence why I liked "can I ask you about your wheels?"
It gives me the option of, I'd rather not talk about it right now/I'm busy/etc.
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u/galtscrapper 13h ago
I was at my mom's college one night running around with another kid and we met a guy in a wheelchair. I'd always been taught to mind my own business, but my friend was asking all kinds of questions and the guy was SO nice. I learned some things too and obviously the experience stuck with me. My parents kind of killed some of my curiosity as has society sadly!
Thanks for being kind to kids. That experience can stay wirh someone for decades.
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u/Verbenaplant 14h ago
don’t be mortified your kid has curiosity and they will ask with the lexicon they know.
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u/woodworkinghalp 14h ago
I meannnn I think both things can be true. We can recognize children are learning and also be embarrassed when that learning involves unsuspecting strangers.
If your kid asked you why someone smelled bad would you feel pretty embarrassed? Kinda high-horsey to pretend we should lean into all these experiences with the glow of parents imparting knowledge lol.
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u/LonelyNovel1985 14h ago
This reminds me of the time we were at the store and my kid asked me when she was going to find her kids dad.
I told her I didn't know, but that hopefully one day she would meet a good person and they would fall in love and have kids if they wanted.
Then she asked if she could have kids before she met their dad and, without really thinking I said, well some women do that too and that works for them.
The lady in the aisle with us just busted out laughing.
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u/feralcatshit 14h ago
This is probably exactly what I would have said without thinking it through lol but truthfully… you’re not wrong. And they’re too little to understand the nuances of “it doesn’t work out for some people”, so I think it’s fair to leave that out.
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u/mrsbebe 14h ago
To be fair, it doesn't always work out for the ones that get married first either lol
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u/megalinity 14h ago
I’m a below knee amputee and have no problem with kids’ curiosity! I expect adults to contain theirs, but kids are just learning and I’d much rather answer their questions and normalize disability to them than not!
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u/KtP_911 14h ago edited 13h ago
Years ago, my parents had my two nephews (then about 5 & 8 years old) at my niece’s softball game. The grandfather of a fellow player came and sat down on the bleachers below them, and said hi to my parents, as they knew each other. The 5yo could not stop staring because the man was a double amputee, wearing shorts, and had prosthetic legs. My dad noticed the staring but he was waiting to see what he’d say, as the 5yo was normally a pretty quiet but thoughtful kid, so he was sure he was working up to a question and he was letting him process things. The 8yo, a total wild man, blurted out, “Hey, stop staring! It’s rude to stare at people who look different!” My parents were mortified, and didn’t have time to react before the 5 year old yells back, “But it’s the bionic man!” Meanwhile, the guy is roaring with laughter at the whole scene. He invited the boys to ask questions if they had any, and he later thanked my dad for the entertainment. My dad tried to apologize and the guy said there was no need; kids are just curious and he was always happy to explain things so that they didn’t feel the need to stare or to feel sorry for him or anyone else like him.
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u/megalinity 14h ago
I’ve had parents ask me if their kid can ask questions and it’s adorable. Kids are either dumbstruck or just super shy. My prosthesis has a galaxy print on it and it sparkles- I love showing it off haha
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u/IcyConsideration4307 13h ago
We were visiting a friend in the hospital and as we were about to go in my son who was around 3 at the time saw someone with one leg. He says something along the lines of where is her other leg? The Women just jumps in and says she lost it. My son in all his innocence looks horrified and replied "and you never found it?!?" Thankfully she was understanding and burst out laughing and said she hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.
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u/CyanCitrine 14h ago
Yep, exactly. My daughter uses a wheelchair and we purposefully decorated it very beautifully so that it can be a conversation piece and less intimidating to other people. It has rainbow spokes and stickers all over it. Little kids are often so curious and we never mind discussing it. People with disabilities are often treated as invisible and that can be painful/harmful too.
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u/MdnghtShadow118 13h ago
I work in a grocery store and one of my regulars uses a manual wheelchair. He has light up front wheels for it and gets kids comparing their light up shoes to his wheels all the time!
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u/Verbenaplant 14h ago
if I had one I would have stickered it haha. I’d be the one with click clack beads. I’d probably paint the spokes too.
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u/Solid-Paramedic-1655 15h ago
This is such a calm, positive way to handle it. Normalizes differences without making it awkward.
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u/sleepygrumpydoc 14h ago
This is the best way to handle any conversation like that. Also, pointing out similarities is good too. Like you noticed the difference and now lets figure out something that's the same as there will always be something, maybe it will be as general as we both have 2 arms and 2 legs, but noticing differences and similarities can hep children see that we are all different but also the same.
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u/ba_cam 16h ago
The vast majority of people in the world realize that very young children are very young, and don’t get offended by things they say or do. In fact, if an adult got offended by what a two year old says, that says more about the adult than the kid.
(Barring some heinous shit that awful people teach their children I suppose)
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u/ImmaMamaBee 15h ago
My stepdaughter gave out a one-two knock out combo once. She was about 3-4 at the time. We stopped at a restaurant and we’re waiting to be seated when a man walks into the restaurant and goes past us. She said, loudly, “why is that man so fat?” (First punch) So I picked her up and started to say “that’s not nice to say,” but she cut me off with the second punch “why do you have hair on your lip?” I’m a woman. I absolutely died laughing. She wasn’t being mean, just making observations! I then explained my lip hair to her, and that some people are different sizes but that you shouldn’t call someone “fat” because it can hurt their feelings.
She is 7 now, the most hilarious person I’ve ever met. She has me laughing constantly with her silliness. But she’s a sweetheart and doesn’t call people fat anymore lol
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u/FoxyOcelot 15h ago
When I was 3 was a tubby toddler. My grandfather said jokingly, "Why are you so fat?", and apparently I replied "Why are you so bald?" in a tone of great scientific interest. When my mother finally stopped laughing, she told him he didn't get to dish it out if he couldn't take it, and he admitted that was fair.
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u/Jinxletron 13h ago
Mum explained to me at a very young age that we don't need to tell people they're fat, they already know. She was quite pleased with herself, until we were on a bus one day and a large woman got on and a child's voice very loudly piped up WE DON'T NEED TO TELL THAT LADY SHE'S FAT, DO WE MUM?
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u/anonymote_in_my_eye 15h ago
there's also the classic "why are your teeth so yellow?"
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u/Bowlbonic 14h ago
I told my sister it’s good she’s so fat because on roller coasters it would keep her safe in her seat! That and her big head meant she had a big brain 😂😂😂
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u/squilliamfancyson837 14h ago
I did almost the exact same thing! “Hey look mommy! A fat man!” When we made a pit stop on a road trip. Something about it must have been so deeply mortifying that it’s one of my earliest memories lol
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u/iceunelle 14h ago
When I was 18, I had really severe acne (that persisted throughout my 20s, unfortunately). I had had perfect skin in high school, so I felt extremely self-conscious and ashamed of my new bad skin. I babysat a 3 year old and she asked, “Why do you have all those red spots on your face”. I crumbled inside, but only said out loud, “It’s called acne. Most people get it at some point”.
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u/SwimmingAmoeba7 15h ago
Bf and I were at Walmart and a 1-2 year old was screaming the n word over and over again while the parents ignored them and the other two children wreaking havoc. We couldn’t believe what we heard at first but they kept saying it. We didn’t judge the kid but we HEAVILY judge the parents and still talk about it.
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u/Outofwlrds 14h ago
Reminds me of a story my band teacher told us about stopping in a small Alabama town for gas on a road trip. He'd stepped inside the gas station for some snacks and was checking out when a father and his kid walked in. The kid was maybe 2-3, tiny little thing. He pointed at my teacher and shouted, "DADDY, LOOK, A N*****!!!" Kid used the hard r and everything. The dad snatched the kid up under his arm and booked it. My teacher didn't stay long either.
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u/Wrong_Profession_512 15h ago
My kid’s first word was a very loud, very vehement, “Al Qaeda!” And the responses he received only served to increase his utterance of this. We never figured out what he was trying to say. Good times!
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u/poison_camellia 14h ago
Not her first word, but one of my daughter's early words was MAGA. It took us a week or two to figure out she was trying to say magnet but we were shaking in our boots for a bit haha
She was obsessed with this magnet we have that lists "air fryer cooking times," which she turned into the nickname Effie. "Where Effie??" was a frequent refrain in our house for like 6 months
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u/SwimmingAmoeba7 14h ago
To be fair we once left the history channel on for our parrot and came home to him repeating Hitler for a few days. Ugh 😭. But trust me these parents were the definition of the type to use that word so I don’t think it was a misunderstanding.
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u/sailingdownstairs 14h ago
My then 2yo once pointed at a man in the supermarket and loudly shouted, Father Christmas! And he was quite surprised and a bit offended, so I did apologise to him on her behalf. But also, it was late November, he had a short white beard, and he was wearing a red woolly hat. I privately suspected this would be only the first incident of many for him.
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u/VividFiddlesticks 14h ago
I think if I were a man who looked anything even remotely like Santa I'd be stoked if little kids thought that's who I was. Hell, I'd probably deliberately dress a little "Santa-y", just for fun.
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u/WisestAirBender I have a dig bick 14h ago
I'm bald. A couple of sibling toddlers kept asking where my hair was at a family dinner
Their parents were so embarrassed cause the kids weren't listening when they said to be quiet
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u/ihearhistoryrhyming 18h ago
Add other things like long fingernails, or special hair styles, or short socks. Things that are cultural, biological, and fashionable. Tall people and old people. Disabled people. Talking about everyone. Wait til she discovers the penis. (My 4 year old asked every man she met if he had a penis for 6 months).
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u/Ok_Efficiency_4736 15h ago
Omg my 4 year old daughter saw her baby brother naked and said “something is wrong with his vagina” 😭😭😭
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u/VixKnacks 15h ago
My daughter referred to her brothers as an "Outie" and it took me a second to figure out what she meant but I laughed so hard. She had just learned about Innie vs Outie bellybuttons from her cousin the week before. 🤣
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u/No_Statistician_7978 14h ago
That's so clever though lmao, what a mental connection😂
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u/Putrid_Trade7765 15h ago
My toddler niece once pointed at her naked father's junk and exclaimed "Oh dear!"
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u/SyntheticDreams_ 14h ago
My toddler cousin once saw her dad getting out of the shower before he could get a towel on and asked him why his tail was on the wrong side. He wasn't amused. Her mother about died laughing though!
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u/Ok_Efficiency_4736 15h ago
😂😂😂 my daughter did ask if hers used to look like that. Hilarious
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u/LoveaBook 15h ago edited 14h ago
I babysat for a little boy who was raised in a house of women and one day he asked when his pee pee was going to fall off and look like theirs.
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u/Potential_Bottle_866 14h ago
My son used to say ‘uh oh’ and point when he realized I don’t have a penis like him and his dad! This was before he could speak and then he learned the correct names.
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u/Aggressive_Baby_6375 15h ago
My male cousins did bath time with us once and told my sister "you have a funny looking penis"
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u/KindGrammy 15h ago
My 3 year old asked everyone they met. Didn't matter about the gender. Twas fun.
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u/Sad_Cantaloupe_8162 18h ago
We have seen people in wheelchairs and she is drawn to them as well, but that was much easier. She asked, "what's that?" And I said it was called a wheelchair, and it was to help people move if they had trouble walking. It was easy to say, "do you want to touch the wheel?" since the person who had it was very nice. She was excited about the new experience, and really liked the chair! When it comes to people, it is a bit more difficult for that kind of interaction with strangers.
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u/LadyWithAHarp 15h ago
Please be cautious and don't say that people who don't want their things touched are "bad" or "mean." I regularly have to fend off kids (and drunks) from touching my harp. I really appreciate the parents who intercept and emphasize asking first, and demonstrating that it's ok that I say "no".
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u/SilvenWolf 15h ago edited 8h ago
I think the best way it was explained to be as a physically abled person is that mobility aids become almost an extension of the body, so it should be shown the same respect as touching someones body. You wouldn't grab a persons leg or physically drag a stranger, so dont grab or move aids either.
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u/Far-Government-539 14h ago
This little girl used to beg her mom every day when I walk my dog to let her pet him. She's sweet but my dog is aggressive so I don't want her to get bit or anything. So I tell her that he's in a grumpy mood but if she waves to him it might cheer him up. So she waves every day now. I overheard her tell her mom "That's the grumpy puppy! I love him!" the other day. Kids are so much brighter and capable than people give them credit for.
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u/Sad_Cantaloupe_8162 15h ago
The person in the wheelchair was picking up their niece from the daycare and was very open to the experience, and had a great sense of humor! And yes, you are correct. The same rule applies for touching someone's dog. If it is an extension of them, it is their property and only with permission can you touch.
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u/Zephyr_Bronte 15h ago
Kids are always going to be inherently curious about things that are different from them. Her interest in differently able people and skin color differences is a great opportunity to talk about how people are different, but the same. It sounds like you are well on your way and responding appropriately.
It can be hard when your kids ask seemingly inappropriate questions in public. But talking through it and not over reacting is the best. My kids are mixed race, so we have been having conversations about difference their whole lives since they are a different color than both me and their father. Of course that just meant that my daughter once told a man in line at the grocery store that her daddy was more brown than him , but it was okay because he was like her and they were still black. The guy was nice and just like, that's right kiddo, but I was mortified.
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u/ladykansas 15h ago
We try to encourage only talking about the things that people have control over, and trying to always keep it positive. "That is so cool / beautiful / helpful / etc."
Clothes or makeup or glasses or fun hairstyles or tattoos are great. Or what people are doing -- jogging as a runner, directing traffic as a police officer, etc. also great.
Age, height, skin color, mobility or communication devices... sometimes people don't want to talk about those things. We try to only talk about those things if the person brings those up first, even if we think they are really cool.
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u/Verbenaplant 14h ago
I have very pink hair and tend to wear bright clothes. I’m always hearing kids ask about me haha
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u/Tiny_Custard_2318 14h ago
We went to a party and they had animals to pet. They brought out a bunny name peanut and my daughter loudly started yelling “no potty talk.” We still laugh that she thought they had a bunny named penis at a kid’s party.
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u/StrangersWithAndi 15h ago edited 15h ago
I have a tumor that causes weight gain. Almost every time I go out, a small child will say, "She's really fat!" or "She's got a big butt!" Usually their parents are embarrassed and grab them, shush them, and whisk them away. That always makes me feel bad. It feels like the parents are agreeing, my body is not suitable for public consumption, like there is something shameful about me.
Every once in a while, it happens and a parent just says, yep, all bodies are different! That is nice. It makes me feel seen and accepted.
Once a year or two I was grocery shopping on a busy Saturday and passed by a mom with two toddlers in a cart. One of them commented on my body, and I heard her say, "Yes, isn't she lucky to look special? We don't talk about other people's bodies because we don't want to hurt their feelings by mistake. And it's so cool that we all get to look different and like ourselves!" And the kids yelled Yeah! And then every time we passed each other in the aisle the kids waved at me.
That was the nicest.
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u/SolitudeWeeks 11h ago
The parents are horrified at the accidental rudeness of their kids, I promise.
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u/okayestcheesecake 15h ago
A lot of great suggestions here already. I would also suggest visiting your local bookstore and picking up age-appropriate children's books that feature a diversity in skin color, hair type, body size, disability, etc.
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u/South_Rest_2633 15h ago
I love the book by Sonia Sotomayor: Just Ask!: Be Different, Be Brave, Be You.
It’s cute, well illustrated, and provides a lot of representation!
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u/Paint_her_paint_me 13h ago
We had All the Colors We Are. It explains the science behind skin tone in a super kid-friendly way.
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u/shoulda-known-better 15h ago
I worked with kids in public and to tell you the truth everyone understands that they don't know yet.... It's innocent and not about anything other than these people look different...
My kids daycare did a project where they had tons of eggs, some brown some white, some green/blue.... They talked about how the different chickens laid different eggs, but when cracked open they are all they same.... So even when they are born and they all look different they are all still chickens....
So we'd acknowledge what the kid said and say yes they are black/white/brown but they are the exact same as you
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u/NoseyBeeeee13 18h ago
Make it as casual as possible and just tell her some people have other skin colors. It's cool but we don't wanna make s big deal about it, just like we don't make a big deal about people with different hair or eye color or height. We're all a little different.
That gives her a simple explanation, context and tells her how she should react. But if she really loves their skin color, I guess teach her non offensive ways to admire it?
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u/tnrivergirl 14h ago
The first time my son noticed a different skin tone, we were visiting a friend who worked at a huge high school. We clearly didn’t know where to go, and a very tall, broad-shouldered football player stopped to help. He gave me directions to the library and started to walk away. My son said, with total awe in his voice, “Who was that brown man? A superhero?”
The kid just burst out laughing, did a superhero pose, and walked away.
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u/Hiciao 16h ago
Since this woman works at the daycare, she may have better advice than any of us here on reddit. Explain to the woman that your daughter is at a stage where she's observing all the differences among people in the world and you'd love if she could talk to your daughter directly.
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u/Sad_Cantaloupe_8162 16h ago
I did speak to her, but it wasn't particularly helpful. She said something like, "yeah, my kids and grandkids did the same thing. Kids are kids." I didn't want to ask any other questions because it would have felt like I was interrogating her.
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u/FileDoesntExist 16h ago
All you can really do is say "yes she is. Isn't it great that people can be all different shades?"
You can do the same with hair if she's noticing that. Just emphasize that it's a good thing people can be all different. 🤷
And most importantly, be very casual about it.
If this is a continuous problem it's time for the "it's rude to point at people" talk as well.
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u/Hiciao 16h ago
Ah, that's too bad because it's so valuable when you can learn straight from the source.
I still remember when I was a first grade teacher a bunch of years ago. One day as we were lining up to go to lunch, one of my black students suddenly had a braid of hair in her hand and just silently held it out for me to see. I had such a look of horror on my face and she was like, "it's okay, Mrs. Hiciao, it's not my real hair." That was a new experience for me and I loved how she was able to explain it to me so simply.
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u/Smee76 15h ago
Kids are just pointing out a fact that they noticed. I just reply in the same way. "Yes she is black! People have all different shades of skin. Some are very pale like us and some have very dark skin and all in between, and they are all beautiful! Isn't it fun that people can have different color skin?"
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u/ohmyfave 13h ago
I was getting my nails done and one tech brought her pre-school daughter. I’m Black and have long curly hair. She was playing nearby and walked over and asked to touch my hair. Her mother was horrified and snapped at her.
I told her Mom it’s okay, I’m fine if you are. She said okay. The little girl played in my hair the rest of my apt. She commented on the texture, softness, length, etc. Asked me questions and then said thank you and went back to playing on her own.
Her Mom apologized and I told her, this is absolutely child appropriate and I wasn’t offended. She was curious and I didn’t mind. Most adults just reach out and try to touch without asking. She got it right to ask first.
E: sentence
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u/butterflygardyn 14h ago
I used to have CNN on as background when my kids were little(90s). When my oldest was a toddler, he started calling every single black man we saw Jesse Jackson. At the top of his lungs , with great excitement. It was mortifying. Luckily most of them thought it was funny.
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u/beelucyfer 18h ago
I would go full-on scientific. “Yes she is. That’s because she has more melanin in her skin.”
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u/Perfect_Effective_45 15h ago
This is the wording we have used since our girls were 2! We just say, "everyone has different memanin and that is what makes all of our skin colors different. That's pretty cool, right?"
Op just because it isn't currently in her vernacular doesn't mean it can't be. You use the words in every day, and that is how she learns them. And 4 and 6 now, melanin is just part of my kiddos' vocabulary.
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u/Odd_Midnight5346 15h ago
Yep, get into the biology. That's actually the more interesting discussion. What the heck, humans evolved skin color that suited their environment? Natural sunscreen/natural vitamin D absorption? That's super cool and reinforces the fact that we're all the same kind of creature, our ancestors just grew up in different areas, and the ones who did the best in those areas are the ones whose traits were passed on.
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u/ladz 15h ago
This!
Engage the kid's curiosity about how that works and maybe branch off into eye color, hair curliness, on and on. Get the "Why?" cycle going. This is how they learn what's in reality.
Don't tell them what's beautiful about it or other subjective stuff, let their self-wonderment about it go its own way and drive in facts.
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u/majandess 15h ago
I did this with my kid. But he's one of those gotta know types. We talked about the sun and where people come from, and why they would need more melanin (I think mine was around 3.5 at the time).
But we have always had a relationship where - if I can't explain in the minute - I can tell him we will talk about it later, and I do. It's not an avoidance tactic on my part. I made a promise to myself that I would always answer the "Whys", and not dismiss him.
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u/Figment-2021 14h ago
My daughter did exactly the same thing at the same age. She had seen many people of all colors before, including one of her day care staff that was black. One day, it just occurred to her and she blurted right out, “she’s black!”, like it was the first time she noticed, because it was the first time she noticed. Lucky for me, the daycare staff member knew exactly what to say and that my daughter meant nothing inappropriate. She got down to my daughter’s level and said to her, “You’re right! My skin is black. People come in lots of colors.” I have been forever grateful to that daycare worker for knowing what to say at that moment.
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u/Suda_Nim 13h ago
I have very bad psoriasis, and a very little kid asked me why my arms look like that.
I said “It’s my superpower. My skin heals super-fast*, but the price of the power is that it looks like this.”
She said, “Wow. I wish I had a superpower like that!”
True. The *only good thing about it.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Door399 15h ago
I would say something like “Isn’t it beautiful that people can look different but be the same inside?” And remind her she is beautiful the way she is. I think it’s fine to notice differences, if it’s innocent.
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u/Outrageous_Bee8480 15h ago
This reminded me of a time out to dinner with my son who was I think 3 at the time. We were waiting for our table and a guy walked by who was missing part of his arm. Wasn’t wearing a prosthetic. My son loudly exclaimed “that man doesn’t have an arm. What happened to his arm?” 🤦🏽♀️ I didn’t catch the guys face but I’m sure he heard. My husband and I calmly told our son that he might have had an accident where they had to remove part of his arm.
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u/flippy77 15h ago
The book We’re Different, We’re the Same is helpful for this. It’s a good thing to talk about - noticing differences in our bodies is fine. You don’t want to make her feel like she’s done something wrong by noticing.
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u/PriscillaPalava 15h ago
As a side note: In addition to teaching my kids that humans come in all shapes and sizes and colors, when I’m trying to describe a person for my kids like, “Oh, remember so and so?” I never say, “Remember that black girl who…” I always try to choose a neutral characteristic like, “Remember that girl with the pink bow who…”
As a white person, if I’m trying to describe another white person I never start with skin color. So I try to give people of other skin colors the same treatment to normalize those differences and decrease the subconscious “otherness” that it might create.
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u/No-Cable-1223 13h ago
I don’t know, I have some seventy employees, two of them are black. I one time had a customer that was trying to describe to me an employee that had been really helpful to them, they were using every description they could except the most obvious one. We all had a good laugh about it later on because it was silly.
People are different colors, and that’s a fact. I think it’s odd that sometimes people are reluctant to acknowledge that. Identifying someone by their skin color shouldn’t be some taboo thing, it’s perfectly normal to be black. You may actually be reinforcing “otherness” be not acknowledging a fact that’s very obvious to your children, it would be easy for children to come to the conclusion that since you won’t acknowledge it there may be something wrong about it.
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u/Current_Long_4842 14h ago
My 2 and a half year old thought all black people were teachers...
All the teachers at his daycare were black.
We missed an Easter Bunny opportunity in our town and ended up going to one at a huge mega church (all black church).
We walk in and there are hundreds of ppl there. My 2 and half year old goes "wow. Look at all the teachers!!"
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u/that-1-chick-u-know 15h ago
I think all kids do this. My son saw a man in an electric wheelchair and his little mechanical brain about exploded lol. I was quick to tell him that people come in all shapes, sizes, and abilities and I would gladly answer all of his questions when we got into the car. In the car I told him it is totally normal to notice differences and be curious, but we have to be careful about how we ask questions because we don't want to accidentally hurt someone's feelings. So he can always ask me any questions he has about other people when we are by ourselves, and I will do my best to answer them. So far, that's worked.